Putting on my suit of armor

I drove about four hours this morning. When I got home I took a shower and washed a load of clothes. I’m just zoning out now.

I’m very upset with some of my adult children but this is a long infected pain hurt that I can’t fix. It smells of the stench of their father although he died over three years ago. His will created a large portion of the mess. His last FU to me through the kids. I go around feeling like there are daggers stabbing into my gut and heart.

Just keep swimming….

High mileage

It’s late afternoon. We just went to Rookies and I had fish tacos and a fruit cup. I only ate one taco and brought two home. It was good. It’s going to storm soon. I had planned to take Bitzi for a long walk later but it’s supposed to storm soon. I took a water aerobics class outside this morning. Tomorrow I’m going to leave home before nine and drive a few hours. I’m taking my handicapped sister out to lunch then going to my daughter’s. I’ll drive home Sunday with my grandson then Monday we’re going to Door County for a few days. 

About two hours ago I started feeling like my right ear was getting infected - like a swimmers ear feeling. I also have a bad left wrist and knee that act up periodically and have to be wrapped and babied. I’m legally blind in my left eye from the detached retina. Both eyes are damaged from the lymphoma. My lower back is frequently uncooperative. I’m like some beat up old trick with 300,000 miles on her. Patch the tires, replace the oil and just keep driving. 

Two of my cousins are now close to passing away. 

I pray for their peace and end to their suffering.

Alfie

What's it all about Alfie
Is it just for the moment we live

What's it all about
When you sort it out, Alfie
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind?

And if, if only fools are kind, Alfie
Then I guess it is wise to be cruel
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie
What will you lend on an old golden rule?

As sure as I believe there's a heaven above
Alfie, I know there's something much more
Something even non-believers can believe in

I believe in love, Alfie
Without true love we just exist, Alfie
Until you find the love you've missed
You're nothing, Alfie

When you walk let your heart lead the way

And you'll find love any day Alfie, Alfie

- Dionne Warwick 1966

This is mid morning on Thursday. I took an 8am water aerobics class. I haven’t been too keen on the instructor for quite some time. I’ve just been going for the convenient early hour it runs but today was the last of her classes I’ll be attending. Yuck. I’ll go earlier and work out on my own.

I’m feeling a bit in limbo today with my emotions and attitude. It’s a whole swirling blender of stuff I won’t get into here. You don’t need to know, trust me. 

I went on a bus trip to a casino in Michigan yesterday. Overall it was a good day. I didn’t win or lose much so I consider it good. 

Tomorrow morning I have a pool class with a different instructor at an outdoor pool. 

JDI

Just Do It. This is not a practice or rehearsal. Life is short. Don’t wait. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and jump. Who cares what others think?

Stewing

Evidently adult millennium children going “ no contact” with family has become a pretty widespread thing. I’m just sick of the bullshit and manipulation. If someone wants to walk out of your life LET THEM GO.

Bedtime

It’s been an okay day. There was a brief thunderstorm and heavy rain this afternoon. Tomorrow should be not as hot. Poor little Bitzi has been struggling with the heat the past couple weeks. I gave her a trim today and a bath.

Ceiling fan

I’m sitting on the couch under the whirring ceiling fan. It’s pretty hot outside. The landscaping guys came over and trimmed up all the overgrown bushes so now it looks really neat and tidy out there. This morning I took Bitzi for a golf cart ride and a walk around the lake before it got too hot.

Blessings

I am counting my blessings this morning. I know how lucky and blessed I am to be here.

This morning is still and calm. I’m sipping my coffee with the dog on my lap. My weight is an issue. I am hypothyroid and am taking a beta blocker that slows down my metabolism so 2 strikes against me. I try to keep active and eat healthy but obviously it’s not working. I’m adding fluff like a snowball rolling down a mountain. I need to change up some things if I want to live longer and stay active. You never see fat eighty year olds. Less weight means less stress on my heart, immune system, bones, joints. Less weight makes it easier to walk and stay active. I’ve had way too many high-dose steroids for years to fight my lymphoma. They have messed up my metabolism. I must overcome.

It is what it is

This too shall pass.

There seems to be a trend with gen Xers of going “ no contact” with family. My oldest daughter has been doing it off and on for years and I’ve just had it. Okay Let Them.

It was a pretty good day otherwise. I got some things accomplished.

This too shall pass.

Turn the page

Sunday July 6 and I just finally remembered to get our online fishing licenses for the year. I am much more of a fan of fishing than Mike but he doesn’t dislike it. He just didn’t go fishing when he was growing up. That’s about all my family did besides gardening. 

I am working very hard every day on being and staying positive about everything. I’m done with worrying about what ifs. I am actively trying to suck all the juice out of daily life. That’s it. 

Next on my to do list is to inspect our fishing equipment. I don’t know where Mike stashed it in the garage when we moved here in March. 

Overall I’ve pretty much had it with various people’s bullshit. As Mel Robbin’s says, “ Let Them.” I do not care.