Owl

5:37 am

I’ve been up for a couple hours. I can’t shut my brain down and go back to sleep. Mike and Hennessy and Bitzi are sleeping. 

Mike’s mom is home from the hospital and Mike’s sister Nancy stayed with her last night and the night before. All her hospital tests came back normal. Her vitals were fine. I don’t know if her symptoms were brought on by acute depression and anxiety or what. In the last couple days she has told people “ I think I’m going to die today.” Everyone is worried and frustrated. We were going to go see her last night but there were other relatives there and she was exhausted. I think she’s starved for attention and shouldn’t be living alone but she’s not my mother. One of the two neighbor ladies who rode with me and Hennessy Tuesday to Lake Geneva has memory loss and seemingly beginning dementia. I didn’t really know her very well when she asked if she could ride with me. I’ve chatted very briefly with her at our monthly neighbor ladies lunches. But her sitting next to me in the front seat for 30 minutes up there and back made it clear she has significant memory issues. She kept asking me the same questions over and over and saying other oddball things. Then we walked around to a couple stores together before the lunch cruise. I’ve had significant brain issues in the past due to my brain lymphoma. This stuff lately is just scary and has stirred up a bunch of anxiety and fear in me. I tell myself everything happens for a reason. It’s supposed to thunderstorm all day today.

In a few weeks Mike and I will have been married 22 years and together for 24 years. We’ve gone through a lot of hard times and stress, illness and drama. He says I’m grouchy all the time and never smile. I think exactly the same about him. I guess I’ve allowed life to grind me down. I feel ground down. This last year has been awful with all the family drama and worry. I feel like Mike and I never have any fun anymore. We’re just tending our duties and going through the motions like coworkers. 

My daughter Sarah left her husband last October. Good riddance - never liked him anyway. Her ex is being a real total asshole and isn’t giving her any child support. It’s been enough of a heartache for her losing her dad and the screwed up will and LLC. Will all this crap EVER end?

Tomorrow morning at 8:30 neighbors ( about 8 of them) are coming here to meet for the third time planning our annual neighborhood picnic in August. We have 114 people coming to the picnic. People have been dropping checks in a box on my front porch for a month. Next summer when my 2 years are up being a neighborhood rep I’m not doing it again. Too much bullshit to put up with for no pay. 

Enough

The Garden Club

Good day. It’s Thursday at 1:26 pm. I’m doing laundry and waiting to go to my massage appointment. We got home from Lake Geneva a little before 10 and right away I left to go to the tea for new members of the Garden Club. It was very nice and lasted about 90 minutes. I’m looking forward to participating. There are over 300 members!

Tomorrow I’m driving down to Lewistown and staying overnight at Big Horse Inn with Sarah’s boys and seeing Alex’s new baby Oliver. I’m so excited! I’m coming back home Saturday and bringing Hennessy with me. She’s going into 2nd grade next year. She’s staying a couple weeks. I haven’t mentioned it to Mike yet. At 4:00 today I have to go back to the chiropractor. We’re also getting a dresser and nightstands from Mike’s mom. 

Cheer up Buttercup

The whoosh of the air conditioner and the ceiling fans whirring is the noise in the background as I peck this out on my IPad while finishing my second coffee. I’m feeling better and able to drink coffee again.  My bag is packed. Bitzi’s bag of stuff to take to the kennel is packed. I’ve been depressed and crying a bit the last few days. I keep getting these rising waves of emotion over all the stuff that has happened. I know- the past IS the past. I should be - I AM- grateful for my blessings. That doesn’t erase anything or wipe out your hard drive of memories. I’ll try to quit feeling suck-y. I’m just too fucking sensitive, obviously. 

A fresh new day

This morning I took the opportunity to sleep in until after 7. Compared to recent nights I slept pretty well with less than constant coughing. This stuff I get is exhausting, depressing and so completely gross with all the mucous. Until going back in to the schools after I retired, I was somewhat healthy and free of the mucous monster. The money has been good but not so much to be worth my compromised health. I’m doing laundry ( a lot of gross hack towels and sweaty clothes) and I deep cleaned my bathroom and all the surfaces after taking a nice long steamy shower.

I didn’t have a fever all day yesterday and felt better by 2:15 when I had my doctor video visit. He prescribed an antibiotic and I’ve gotten 3 of them in so far. I feel much improved and even took Bitzi on a 1- mile walk around the neighborhood. I’ve been so congested and out of breath lately so have only been taking her up the hill at the park across the street.

I have to go to Goodwill to drop off some stuff and run in Aldi’s and get some more sugar to make hummingbird nectar and some salad mixes and a chicken to roast. I have hardly cooked much at all the past couple months what with working and neighborhood rep functions. Next Friday I’m going down to Canton / Lewistown area to visit my family and see the new baby Oliver. I should feel better and be germ free by then. I’m going to get my handicapped sister Vicki and take her out to lunch in Peoria on my way home.

Next Tuesday through Thursday Mike and I and his son Casey and wife Jackie and their 4- month old son Aiden are going to the resort in Lake Geneva and staying in a 2-bedroom  condo unit. We’ll swim, go shopping, go out to eat. I told them I would watch Aiden if they want to go do something. Mike and I now have 7 grandsons and 2 granddaughters from our combined kids. His daughter is expecting another boy in November!

Time to stop

It’s 5:40. In a bit I have to pack my lunch and go get ready to leave. I’m still congested and woke up earlier feeling like the right side of my throat feels sore just a little. I don’t know what is going on now. I have band practice after work today. I practiced a little a couple times but haven’t nailed the stuff yet. I haven’t really fully accepted playing alto sax yet. My sax is a really heavy old Bundy too.

Last night was our Sun City neighborhood #3 “ Ladies’ Night Out” that I organized. There were about 30 of us seated at 3 tables for dinner and drinks. It was pretty fun but I was tired.

I’m having close neighbors over for a “ drinks on the driveway” gathering here at home on Friday the 28th. 

I’m rethinking taking the June summer program teaching job. It’s good money and appealing but I’m feeling tired. This current job would end and then I’d go right into the next one for a month. The June job is special needs preschoolers 4 days a week and 7am-noon those days. Preschoolers can be exhausting though. I haven’t accepted it yet.