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Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts

Monday, February 22

Monday 4:56 am

It’s very early morning. I woke up due to Mike snoring and couldn’t get back to sleep. There are so many things to think and worry about. I just read that we’ve reached 500,000 Covid-19 deaths in the US ( Reuters)and Dr. Fauci said the pandemic may continue into 2022(People). Pretty depressing news. No wonder there are so many people with anxiety and depression. This is day two of me trying to snap out of it and get back on track with my eating and exercise. Due to what’s going on with the kids and the funeral Friday I’ll need to keep myself on a short leash emotionally and focus on positives. It may sound weird but that’s my plan. I’m going to the pool this morning early, have shopping to do and will take several walks. Mike is swamped with work and busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest so I can’t depend on him for comfort or to vent to. He’s not very warm and fuzzy like that anyway. He always insists I quit being a wuss. He’s right, of course. 

I’m drinking my coffee, trying to wake up. I’m only eating between noon and 6pm and then limited carbs. My gut feels better on this system. I have more energy and focus. I started getting off track in January a little here and there but then it snowballed and I was eating bullshit again so now am getting back on my better habits. Food is medicine to fuel and heal your body. I am lucky to still be alive. I have to take care of my body the best I can. I cannot let my emotions sabotage my health. I have a crazy amount of sub jobs available to me. Most of the area schools are back to in-person or hybrid learning. There were twenty-four available jobs for today. I’m not accepting any in person sub jobs until two weeks after I’ve had the second vaccine. March 9 would be the earliest date I could have it but I haven’t gotten an email yet to schedule it. Mike got his five days after me and they already set his second vaccine appointment. He got his here at Sun City and got the Pfizer. It got the Moderna through my school district, so still waiting to schedule my second dose. 

Besides the stage four colon cancer, my ex husband also had a couple serious blood clots the doctors were concerned about. One by his heart and one in his leg. Supposedly he’d been doing better with his chemo treatments, gained a bit of weight back, more energy and doing better. The night before he died he fell on the ice when he got home from the sale barn and told his mother and our son he was just tired and wanted to go to bed. The next morning he got up and got dressed to go to the sale barn and just fell over on his bed and died. My son found him a couple hours after he died. I bet one of those clots got him. My kids are all now dealing with all this stuff. He had cattle in Missouri and Nebraska and locally. What a huge mess. You just never know. Life is short and you should never assume you have another day. I need to be as loving, giving, joyful and grateful as I can be every single day for the rest of my life.





















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7:37




Wednesday, June 10

Chew bone

6:30am
Mike is getting ready to go to physical therapy for his shoulders. He goes at 7am every Wednesday and Friday. It must be helping as I don't hear him complain of pain or grimace as much. I gathered the trash for trash day and took the puppy out. She only peed and when we came back inside she wasn't concerned much with eating and drinking after being in her cage all night. She's more concerned with exploring, chewing and playing. Bitzi now has a crate, portable platpen, car carrier, chicken chew ring, knitted chew bandana, stuffed dog chew toy, squeaky ball, squeaky bone, collars and leashes. It's unbelievable how many dog accessories we've suddenly acquired now. After nearly five years of not having a pet you forget how it adds up. 



Lola and Henna are still asleep. That's good. They stayed up until almost ten which is late for Henna. Lola has two other sisters and a brother at her dad and stepmoms house. She's bombarded by little kids in both her houses and expected to help with the little ones. Lola is really sharp and more mature for her age. I really missed these girls for those months when their mom( my oldest daughter Samantha) wasn't talking to anyone. Her excuse was her fibromyalgia and nerves but I suspect marital problems were a lot of it. She's been married to Bob, Hennessy's dad, for eight years. Bob is a construction worker. For the last year or so he's been working at a job in Evansville Indiana and coming home for the weekend once a month. A difficult arrangement for a woman I am sure.

It rained and stormed pretty good last night. The grass was wet as I walked around the house with Bitzi. It's hot and humid and the air is thick. I'm having to douse every exposed inch of my skin with mosquito repellant now as I'm some big juicy magnet that attracts them. It's miserable with itchy bites.  

The girls have been taking baths in my jacuzzi tub every night. Last night I took one after they were finished. It's really been getting a work out. I'm going to scrub it out today which is a chore to stretch and reach and scrub. It's good having kids in the house. They eat almost constantly and drag lots of stuff out to the living room. They're pretty good about cleaning up when I ask them. Next week the boys will be here. I haven't informed Mike yet. He's working during the day ( in the little back office) anyway and I'll be tending them. 

7:19 Mike has gone to therapy. I made the bed and tidied up a bit. The puppy is sleeping again although I let her out of her cage. 

My younger daughter said today her dads oncologist is supposed to call to let her know what time to bring him in to get his chemo port surgically installed. Gary wanted to go ahead with the chemo although his diagnosis is pretty bleak. Sarah is the one helping take care of him ( along with her 3 boys at home). Samantha has a pretty shakey relationship with her dad and realizes what a slimy SOB he's been. No matter, I'm trying to help Sarah and take the boys for a while next week. 


Thursday, April 30

Frogs in the distance

10:58am  I’ve been up since 6. I went for a long walk clear down Oak Grove to Cold Springs drive and back on the other side of the street then walked the winding path up the hill in the park across the street from our house. It was chilly, windy and damp out and I had the hood up on my hoodie and tied close around my face so the wind was tolerable. I didn’t see anyone at all out except for at the end when I was going up the steep incline of the hill this jock guy whizzed past me speed walking and then passed me again as he was coming back down. The path makes a loop at the top and there’s a nice sitting bench on the top, in the middle and at the bottom. Moving here to this house with a much smaller yard I’m glad for the park with all the beautiful mature oak trees, flowers and benches right across the street. I call it “goat mountain” and secretly consider it mine. I like to perch at the top on the bench looking down at my kingdom. I chuckle to myself every time I’m up there thinking that. Hey, whatever floats your boat. 

 ike had me cut his hair with his beard trimmer this morning. There isn’t much there to trim but the cuttings did make a little mess on his bathroom sink counter. He used to have thick bushy black hair. Now the hair he does have is mostly gray. I’ve encouraged him to shave it off for a long time but he won’t. 

I can hear the frogs from the marsh behind our yard down the hill chirping and whirring away through our back sliding door. They’re in frog heaven after that heavy rain. 

I


My youngest daughter Sarah texted me last night that her dad’s colonoscopy biopsy showed a cancerous mass. He’s got to go talk to the doctor Tuesday about surgery and chemo. I feel bad for our kids and grandkids mostly. Gary and I only really started speaking again after 24 years when he was very ill a year ago. He’s been going to some hick doctor in Havana so no wonder it’s taken so long to find out what was wrong. I just feel numb and bacd and it brings back memories of all the stuff from our turbulent 15- year marriage. All the blame was not on him but a lot of it was. I don’t profess to be an angel or without blame. Man, I feel like a car with 350,000 miles on the original engine. This just combines with all the other bad stuff to create the shitstorm tidal wave I felt was coming all through the month of December. I felt it in my gut and deep in my bones. 




12:25pm I just ate a spinach artichoke linguine Lean Cuisine for lunch. I stocked up on a bunch of Lean Cuisines to save cooking and going to the grocery store. Mike refuses to eat them. Yesterday I had a butternut squash and spring vegetables one. Pretty good.




I’m supposed to have three group 5th grade zoom meetings this afternoon. I do not feel at all like doing them. This is all so frustrating. Teaching beginning band students in groups online is like crawling naked over flaming porcupines. I’m sure it’s hard for the students as well. These last few weeks have drug on soooooo slowly like a stoned sloth. Unbearably slow. I HATE this f-Ing bullshit!!!!


I’ve stopped watching the Covid-19 daily press briefings. I’m trying to avoid social media for the most part due to all the batshit crazy things people are posting about politically-fueled conspiracy theories regarding the virus. Please God make it stop! 



The Zoom lessons went okay after all. We’re having meat-free tacos for dinner with yellow rice, refried black beans, diced onions and tomatoes, corn, verde sauce, Mexican cheese, sour cream and Franks hot sauce on flour tortillas. Really good! Tomorrow I’m making pot roast in the crockpot. Last night we got Chicago- style pizza and watched the next to the last episode of Ozark on Netflix. Tonight we’ll watch the last episode of season three. 

Monday, March 9

Beef vegetable soup and homemade biscuits on a rainy day

3:31 Monday 3/9.

I’m home from work. It’s been raining all day. I took some homemade vegetable soup out of the freezer and put it in a pot on the stove to simmer. I dazzled it up with some added ingredients. I made some biscuits but haven’t put them in to bake yet.
Mike and his brother took their mother to the oncologist today to get the results from the PET scan and brain MRI. It’s stage 4 and has progressed from the lung to the brain and lymph nodes #cancersucks, #curecancer.   Mike said his mom was taking it well like nothing was wrong. In shock I’m sure. He’ll tell me more later when he gets home. I’m very sad. I know Mike is sad too but he won’t admit it or let it get to him.


Monday, February 24

FN Monday

Pretty bad sore throat this morning. The sky is really gloomy and overcast. There’s a bunch of snow, rain and wind coming tonight and tomorrow.

More later. 





5:02 pm  I went to the dentist after work and got my three fillings done. Now the left side of my face is numb.
At about 12:45 Michael called me and said his mother was having a complete hysterical sobbing breakdown. His Aunt called him and said she was over there and Annette kind of had a nervous breakdown and was sobbing and wailing so much she couldn’t talk and could barely breathe. It’s another week until her PET scan and brain MRI to see if the left lung cancer has spread but she is totally losing it. They called the doctor and her nurse called back and finally got her to calm down. This isn’t good. She shouldn’t be living alone. I’ve said it for a long time but they don’t listen to me.

Wednesday, February 12

Trudging through the snow and fog like a zombie

I need to get my gluteus maximus out of the recliner and start getting my hot mess self ready to go to school. It’s supposed to snow again this afternoon. My throat is still sore and hoarse ( third day). Last night I put Vic’s vaporub on my throat with a towel. I’ll gargle with warm salt water before I leave.
     I still feel very low and glum with thoughts of my daughter’s bullshit and Annettes biopsy results. It’s like someone dropped a load of bricks on me. I kept tearing up last night thinking about Mike and his siblings going over to Annette’s this morning to tell her about her biopsy results. It’s got to be difficult. Mike is pretty tough. He just comes out and says things and tells the truth no matter what.
     Okay getting up and getting ready for work. I’ll probably add more later. I will need to vent to you. I am not one who can hold things inside. 

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11:43 I have a pretty generous time gap between schools on Wednesday. I finished up at my first school and then went to the gas station and filled up. Now I'm killing time before I go in to my next school. I've caught up with emails. I texted Mike and he said his mother took the cancer new surprisingly well. It will probably take a while to sink in. I think they're trying to her scheduled with an oncologist appointment now.  I tried calling my daughter again and left a message. 

It's getting colder now and getting ready to start snowing. 








Tuesday, February 11

Intuition or something else?

I remember before Christmas I kept having this feeling something big was coming, that something major was going to happen, some significant life- changing thing. I wasn’t really sure but I could feel it coming in my bones. Now for some unknown reason my daughter has cut me, her father, her siblings and who knows who else out of her life and won’t talk or communicate. Out of the blue. We have no idea what on earth is going on. Also my ex father-in-law died and now my mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer today via results from a lung biopsy. She doesn’t know yet. Mike and his brothers and sister are going over there tomorrow to tell her. She had breast cancer on the same side about fifteen years ago treated with a lumpectomy and radiation. All her checkups and mammograms have been clear. I am just sick over this. She’s been sad, irritable and depressed for four years since her husband , Jerry, died of liver cancer. They’re going to get her a PET scan and battery of tests to find out just how progressed it is. I wish there was something I could do. 
I feel SO SAD and awful.




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