I’m taking the dog with me when I leave in about an hour.
Saturday, September 5
7:28am. I was just too damned tired yesterday and decided to stay home and make my drive today. Besides Mike wanted me to go to Seigles in Elgin and look at kitchen cabinets. I still think we should just clean, sand, prime and paint our existing cabinets. I’m more concerned about new counters, sink and lighting to tell the truth. Everything moves at glacial speed with him and it drives me feckin nuts.
Tuesday, August 25
11:15 I went over to the lodge for my scheduled indoor pool time and just as I scanned my ID card and entered the fire alarm went off and everyone evacuated the building. I stood outside for a while. Police and fire responders came. I saw nor smelled any smoke so eventually I just got in my car and came home. Since the one- hour pool times and cleanings in between are scheduled all day my time was used up a lot so I just gave up. I’m still a bit tired from yesterday anyway.
I have a phone interview later for a neurologist’s receptionist position. Sounds like it might be a good deal. As long as Mike is still working I might as well work too. We don’t know when the axe will fall on him.
1:57. I thought the interview went well and I’m excited about it. There are other candidates being interviewed though. I know the neurologist. This is a good company to work for. I am hopeful.
Mike has been worried about TRS screwing up my retirement stuff. All these years I have covered him with my school district insurance for everything and now he’s going on his own company’s insurance. He’s had me go recheck everything again today. He’s being a worry wart but better safe than sorry.
We’re going to our resort in Lake Geneva next week and staying in a luxury condo. It’s a little weird because it’s only 30 miles away but hey, it’s going somewhere. Bitzi will be going to a kennel and making lots of new dog friends!
Friday, August 7
I’m on my first coffee. I’m trying to be quiet. Mike just got up. It’s our twenty-first anniversary today. We have nothing special planned. He got me a card. I haven’t even opened it yet. I got him nothing. He doesn’t like gifts.
Mike has to work today. I’m pretty sure he’s going to work and hang on as long as he can. He says he loves his job but it’s changing beneath him all the time.
I’m driving the four grandkids back to Canton and maybe seeing my sisters. Depending on Vicki’s condition, I may stay over or I may drive back home. If I come back home I’ll go into clean up and recovery mode and then just relax. Tomorrow is a big birthday party for our neighbor’s 100th birthday. John is a WW II navy / coast guard veteran. He and his wife Fran are pretty cool.
I’ve been waiting until the end of summertime go get my car washed, waxed and detailed. There was no point to it while hauling the kids around. Maybe next week.
I can hear my faint wheezing peeping squeaking from my lungs when I exhale. I have been feeling a bit more uncomfortable and mildly congested at night. Although I have no diagnosed pollen allergies I react to something in the air at the end of summer/ beginning of fall. Usually a couple weeks in to the school year is when it gets cranked up. The mold spores disputed into the air from the falling leaves maybe.
I’m leaving Bitzi home. If I do have to go to OSF hospital and see Vicki I can’t take a dog in and she can’t just stay in the car. Mike can tend her. He usually takes a break and walks around the house every so often.
All the scheduled times to use the big indoor pool next week are already taken. They make the time slots for the following week available online at 9 am every Wednesday. I forgot about it until last night but every slot is full. I suppose I’ll try the outdoor pool. Mike never goes with me. Never to the pool, fitness center, on walks. People assume I’m a widow. It’s just the way it is.
I took the dog out. Lately when I take her out she’s too distracted by looking at stuff, finding sticks to eat, sniffing, digging in the dirt to get down to business and pee. I take her out numerous times a day on walks. Mike takes her out around 9pm and then again around 12am. We take her food and water away about 8pm. She still isn’t allowed to roam free in the house because she’s peed on rugs a few times. She has an 8- panel portable wire puppy pen and a dog crate. She’s in the crate from around 9pm-6am with a couple outings to go pee. She’s five months old now. In another month she might come in heat. I haven’t decided yet whether to spay her or let her have a litter of puppies. The vet said I should wait until she’s 18 months old to breed her. She’s probably not going to weigh 10 pounds when she’s fully grown. I would have to find a similar-sized suitable male. Just not even sure I want to but there’s still a lot of time to decide.
6:42 I’m back home and exhausted. I drove all the way down and back. Vicki is not in an acute condition or in the hospital so I didn’t stay. The kids are back home. My skin biopsies were all benign. Thank God.
Thursday, June 18
7:14 am. I’m awake and still foggy headed. I’m sitting here drinking my coffee. Mike is bustling around in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. The landscapers came today - normally they come on Friday. It took them under fifteen minutes to buzz the yard and vanish. I’m taking the boys back today - meeting Sarah in Lacon. They started getting homesick yesterday and asked if they could go home a day early. I’m tired. I got too much sun on my arms and back while working in the yard yesterday. I had put sunscreen on in the morning but didn’t reapply it in the afternoon. I’m planning to leave here with the boys by 8:30 and I’m taking the puppy along so I’ll have to stop to let her out to drink & play.
Saturday, June 13
9:42pm Saturday I drove the girls back home to Norris then picked up the boys in Lewistown then drove back home. I’m really tired from driving.
10:49 The boys are in bed. I soaked in the hot tub and exfoliated and put Eucerin on my dry skin. My achiness is better. This week I'm going to take the boys fishing, to the garden, walking the paths of Sun City, to Lake Geneva and shopping. Boys have less drama than girls.
Wednesday, June 10
Mike is getting ready to go to physical therapy for his shoulders. He goes at 7am every Wednesday and Friday. It must be helping as I don't hear him complain of pain or grimace as much. I gathered the trash for trash day and took the puppy out. She only peed and when we came back inside she wasn't concerned much with eating and drinking after being in her cage all night. She's more concerned with exploring, chewing and playing. Bitzi now has a crate, portable platpen, car carrier, chicken chew ring, knitted chew bandana, stuffed dog chew toy, squeaky ball, squeaky bone, collars and leashes. It's unbelievable how many dog accessories we've suddenly acquired now. After nearly five years of not having a pet you forget how it adds up.
Lola and Henna are still asleep. That's good. They stayed up until almost ten which is late for Henna. Lola has two other sisters and a brother at her dad and stepmoms house. She's bombarded by little kids in both her houses and expected to help with the little ones. Lola is really sharp and more mature for her age. I really missed these girls for those months when their mom( my oldest daughter Samantha) wasn't talking to anyone. Her excuse was her fibromyalgia and nerves but I suspect marital problems were a lot of it. She's been married to Bob, Hennessy's dad, for eight years. Bob is a construction worker. For the last year or so he's been working at a job in Evansville Indiana and coming home for the weekend once a month. A difficult arrangement for a woman I am sure.
It rained and stormed pretty good last night. The grass was wet as I walked around the house with Bitzi. It's hot and humid and the air is thick. I'm having to douse every exposed inch of my skin with mosquito repellant now as I'm some big juicy magnet that attracts them. It's miserable with itchy bites.
The girls have been taking baths in my jacuzzi tub every night. Last night I took one after they were finished. It's really been getting a work out. I'm going to scrub it out today which is a chore to stretch and reach and scrub. It's good having kids in the house. They eat almost constantly and drag lots of stuff out to the living room. They're pretty good about cleaning up when I ask them. Next week the boys will be here. I haven't informed Mike yet. He's working during the day ( in the little back office) anyway and I'll be tending them.
7:19 Mike has gone to therapy. I made the bed and tidied up a bit. The puppy is sleeping again although I let her out of her cage.
My younger daughter said today her dads oncologist is supposed to call to let her know what time to bring him in to get his chemo port surgically installed. Gary wanted to go ahead with the chemo although his diagnosis is pretty bleak. Sarah is the one helping take care of him ( along with her 3 boys at home). Samantha has a pretty shakey relationship with her dad and realizes what a slimy SOB he's been. No matter, I'm trying to help Sarah and take the boys for a while next week.
Sunday, June 7
7:12 Sunday June 7
Lola (13) and Hennessy (6) are here staying the week. They rode home with me. I didn't feel very well Friday or Saturday. I had a swollen painful left knee that was difficult to walk on and also what seemed to be the start of a UTI. I felt pretty shitty when I got all the way home with the puppy and the girls yesterday. I iced my knee and wrapped it and propped it up. I chugged a TON of water for hours trying to flush away my UTI or whatever was going on. I feel a LOY better today. I've been icing my knee and drinking a lot.
Wednesday, April 22
I’m mentally unwinding from eight back to back Zoom lessons. The last boy, a fifth grade trumpet, is REALLY bad. Painfully bad. Plus the audio / video delay and distortion make it even worse to bear. It’s been raining and gloomy all day and it just started pelting down on the roof again. The weather in Lewistown looked warm and sunny today in the videos my daughter from Lewistown sent me of her and the boys out walking and playing in the yard.
Today is my first day back on keto and intermittent fasting. When I was so badly sick with what I thought was flu in mid January into February I lost a bunch of weight and didn’t feel like eating. But once I came out of that I’ve been eating poorly and my gut doesn’t feel right. Ugh! It’s hell to get old.
At the Wynn a few years back.
I didn’t mean to sound like a bitch earlier. Most of my students are very good. I’m just frazzled right now. This too shall pass. I had some celery with cream cheese, some spinach and black coffee today. I have my “ big meal” with a few carbs and be finished eating by 6pm. The I’ll fast until 10 am tomorrow. After a few days it’s not so bad. I’m only on my one a day thyroid pill. No other medicines. No blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol medicines at all. I don’t want to screw that up by eating poorly and packing on the pounds. I have had enough drugs ( chemo) to last a life time. I very seldom ever drink alcohol at all - maybe 2 beers in a year. Life has been exciting enough.
I try not to even think of politics anymore. It’s too upset. I seriously won’t be able to bear it or function if Trump gets re-elected. I will totally lose my shit and go postal. If you know me you know it’s very likely. Is Biden going to be tough enough to swing this? Or is Russian and the toxic Trump cult going to bring him down?
Arlo is going to be 3 next week. How did he get that big? I miss those kids SO much. I can’t wait for this bullshit to be over so I can hug my grandkids!
I have a Parmesan crusted fish Lean Cuisine in the microwave. yum.
Our last staff day of this suck-y school year is May 28. A year to remember in your nightmares. Almost over. This ain’t my first rodeo. Just keep swimming.
We’re doing the best we can with the circumstances. We keep getting up in the morning. We keep breathing in and out. We keep telling ourselves things will work out. Everything will be alright. We keep seeing the suffering and watching people die. We try to move on carrying all the pain, hurt, loss, disappointment, failure, loss betrayal. We keep patching bandages on our torn bleeding aching souls. We just keep trudging through the ever deeper snow with miles to go before we sleep.
Wednesday, March 11
5:29 pm Wednesday
It has been gloomy, foggy, misty all day. It was a somewhat frustrating workday. We are supposed to be administering this mandatory written and playing tests to all of our band students but they also have other academic testing going on that we, of course, are not informed about in advance so some of my students were missing. The ones who did come we’re fine but I was frustrated and just wanting to get it done. Also now there is all this media coverage of impending doom from the exponentially spreading corona virus. I finish with my lessons and get ready to leave to travel to my second school but I decide I’ll go use the staff restroom down the hall but discover it’s locked with another teacher occupying it so I just went around the corner to pop into the girl students restroom and open the door to the back stall to discover some little girl has pooped numerous turds all around the toilet seat in a symmetrical artful fashion, as if one were decorating the top of a cake. Horrified, I return to my lesson room, notify the office of the poop catastrophe via intercom, gather my things and leave feeling disturbed and rattled.
At my next school I was in the middle of teaching four wild fifth grade trumpet boys when the fire alarm went off. The entire building evacuated and stood shivering on the playground. Four fire trucks and a police car came speeding down the street in front of the screaming children with their sirens on. After an unbearable amount of time the secretary came on over the load speaker thanking everyone for their fast response for the fire drill. Then it was time for dismissal so I accomplished nothing.
When I got back home and went to our community’s main lodge and voted early for the primary.
I remember in December I had strange feeling or premonition that something big and bad was coming. I had no idea what it was but kept feeling it. I chalked it to being a worry wart at the time. Since then my mother-in- law has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer, my oldest daughter hasn’t need talking to any of us family ( have no clue why), my ex- husband is critically ill, and now we are in a pandemic emergency over the spreading corona virus. I felt this big awful tidal wave approaching but it wasn’t clear.
Tuesday, February 11
I remember before Christmas I kept having this feeling something big was coming, that something major was going to happen, some significant life- changing thing. I wasn’t really sure but I could feel it coming in my bones. Now for some unknown reason my daughter has cut me, her father, her siblings and who knows who else out of her life and won’t talk or communicate. Out of the blue. We have no idea what on earth is going on. Also my ex father-in-law died and now my mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer today via results from a lung biopsy. She doesn’t know yet. Mike and his brothers and sister are going over there tomorrow to tell her. She had breast cancer on the same side about fifteen years ago treated with a lumpectomy and radiation. All her checkups and mammograms have been clear. I am just sick over this. She’s been sad, irritable and depressed for four years since her husband , Jerry, died of liver cancer. They’re going to get her a PET scan and battery of tests to find out just how progressed it is. I wish there was something I could do.
I feel SO SAD and awful.
Wednesday, January 1
So this is the first day of 2020. We are sitting around like bumps on a log. I finished the laundry, tidied up the house, made poached eggs and toast. In continuing to try to check on my oldest daughter yesterday she lashed out at me pretty bad in an overly harsh way. I’m leaving her alone to stew in her own miserable juices but now I’m even more worried. I have no idea but obviously whatever is wrong she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s 37 and can take care of herself. Happy f-ing new year. The fun just never ends....
We went to mike’s mother Annette’s this afternoon and then to a couple stores and then had a late lunch at Portillo’s. We’re trying to set up an appointment to take her to look at another Sun City house Sunday afternoon. She’s turned up her nose at all the others we’ve taken her to look at. Oh well, one more house to look at.
Mike and I are going to Lake Geneva Friday for two nights and coming home Sunday morning. Tomorrow I’m going back to our Sun City lodge pool and spa.
No word from my older daughter, not that I expected it..... My younger daughter is much more easy going.
You teach people how to treat you. I’m not taking any more shit off anyone.
Monday, December 30
Just when you think you’ve come a long way, learned a lot, feel confident and secure some shit happens that makes you feel all bewildered, unprepared and clueless. Most of the time I don’t feel like this but life has to keep sending us unexpected zingers to keep us humble I guess.
I’m going to Costco in Lake in the Hills in a little bit to get a little seafood for New Years Eve. We never go out and party and drink. Sometimes we invite people over but this year, as far as I know, it’s just Mike & me. A couple king crab legs, shrimp and scallops for him will do. I don’t really like scallops. A salad and baked potato will be it. Nothing too fancy.
It’s supposed to snow shower this afternoon so I’m going to get my shopping done this morning.
Mike’s mom and Casey came over to watch the Bears game yesterday. We went to look at this house that’s for sale here in Sun City about 3/4 of a mile from our house. We couldn’t go inside and look at it-no realtor or open house but checked out the neighborhood and looked at the interior online. His mother needs to not live alone so far from her kids. Mike is the closest and he’s 35 miles away from her house. More stuff keeps happening with her to show she should not be living alone but her kids keep ignoring it and she’s not my mom so I’m not in charge soooo.....
Something is up with my daughter and I’m not even sure but it’s driving me nuts with worry. No matter how old they get, they’ll always be your baby.
I’m going to go change and head to Costco. Stop worrying about crazy shit that’s probably my imagination.
2:10 I went to Huntley Aldi’s and got some stuff then over to Lake In The Hills Costco and then back home, unloaded my stuff and put it away, then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen. It’s very gloomy out snow and was snowing and sleeting when I was out driving. I’m listening to an Al Jarreau mix playlist from Amazon Prime music via my Alexa through my Alesis transactive Bluetooth big bass speaker. Nice.
I did touch base with my daughter so at least she’s alive. I still don’t know what’s bothering her but she’s 37 and can call me when she’s ready to talk. I don’t chase anyone. I just tell them to let me know when they’re ready to talk or if they need anything. I’m easy. Things almost always work themselves out on their own. Worrying about shit doesn’t help, trust me.
Me on deck of the Pride of America cruise ship sailing between Hawaiian islands June 2018 ( feeling relaxed, grateful and happy)
I just went for a walk down own our block. It’s really cold out there now. I was pretty bundled up with my coat, gloves, hood and scarf around my face but still too cold.
I’m trying to use this old keyboard I had for my iPad. I have one for work that fits my work iPad much better and is a better keyboard to use. This one is kind of janky and doesn’t fit very well on the iPad itself. The keys feel like cheap plastic and don’t go up and down quietly or smoothly. Still, it works. I’m not a snob about stuff at all. Mike is the pick one about almost every little thing. He’s so much like his mother, although he strongly denies it. Hahaha....... His mother came in here yesterday and almost immediately demanded we pull up a couple throw rugs because she decided one of us was going to slip and fall to her death. Then she announced she had removed her shoes at the door ( we don’t give a shit if you wear your shoes in here) and ordered Mike to go find her a pair of my slippers. I didn’t heart that part but noticed later she was wearing my neon yellow water /beach shoes........ (I thought what the hell???) and then a short while later she started complaining really loudly she was freezing and told me to go get her a sweater or jacket. I just looked at her like seriously.....no one else was cold but it was the way she complained and ordered me like I should drop everything and run and get her a sweater. Jesus H Christ. He IS like his mother, Ridiculously fussy. Crazy shit.
It’s 5:55 and I’ve been up for forty minutes. I’ll leave here shortly to drive the mile to our lodge to use the pool and workout. I didn’t g...
6:17am For some reason I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. It’s chilly in the house and I have a blanket on my lap. Still cold. I just ...
It’s the day before Thanksgiving. I’m sitting in my chair in the front room sipping on my coffee. I’m wearing gray soft yoga pants, wool so...