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Showing posts with label survival. Show all posts
Showing posts with label survival. Show all posts

Thursday, March 4

Hello darkness my old friend

It’s 5:55 and I’ve been up for forty minutes. I’ll leave here shortly to drive the mile to our lodge to use the pool and workout. I didn’t go yesterday as I was excruciatingly sore and feel a little creepy like I was getting a cold. Today I’ll get back at it. Later this morning I have a Zoom meeting with my lawyers representing me in the mediation of the RoundUp lymphoma lawsuit. I don’t know if anything good will come of it but I’m going forward anyway. Monday afternoon is the actual mediation hearing ( via Zoom) with the famous mediator Kent Feinberg.

Monday, August 24

Adrift in the ocean

It’s Monday morning. It’s still odd to me how time now seems like a blur with the pandemic, so many working from home, my retirement, listening to the Covid-19 reports every day. Just a really weird period we’re going through. This is the first day of online back to school classes for my former school district. It’s an odd feeling but I have no regrets. 

I have a 2:15 indoor pool slot scheduled to go exercise. Yesterday I went for a couple walks and planted two rose bushes. I’m doing laundry right now. I’ve taken Bitzi outside walking around the yard twice this morning. She is too distracted staring at things, sniffing and trying to chew sticks and leaves.

We went to the wedding Friday night. There was a huge tent in their big back yard with tables for fifty people, a makeshift alter and a dance floor. The flower arrangements were beautiful. The catered food and service were excellent.

Saturday we took my mother-in-laws tiny yorkie to the vet to put her down. She had kidney failure and bone loss and couldn’t eat. It was sad but it was time. 

I’ve been rewatching The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu this past week.

I need to go to the store this morning and transplant some more plants.

Tuesday, August 18


7:25am. I’m drinking coffee 1. I got up, showered, cuddled up Bitzi and took her outside for a walk. I had to pull a leaf out of her mouth that she was trying to chew up. When we got back inside I put her in her little kitchen pen with fresh food and water and she started eating. I’ve been here in the sitting room about fifteen minutes reading the news. Mike just went out in the kitchen and said Bitzi had thrown up. I wonder if she managed to swallow something outside. She’s only about five pounds so I worry when she gets sick. Probably nothing. She seems okay now.

I have a 9:15 pool slot this morning so I can get my exercise in without screwing up my knee. Since it’s  cool I might start digging and planting later after the pool if I’m not too tired.

Tuesday, June 30

Goodbye, June

I’ve been up since around 2am. For some reason I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m sure I’ll hate myself later and need a nap. I’m in a weird frame of mind lately. There’s so much going on and so much to process. Things are starting to open up now and we need to still remain careful and safe. The virus isn’t over yet but a lot of people are acting like it’s gone. 
Mike got up to go to the bathroom a couple hours ago and was stunned to see me out here drinking coffee before sunrise. He’s back in bed asleep now. I fell asleep on the couch pretty early last night and stumbled to bed around nine. 

I hear a train whistle in the distance and birds singing in back of our yard through the screen door. It rained and stormed quite a bit last night. The grass is pretty wet this morning. I’m having my third cup of coffee. Lately I’ve only been having one or two. The puppy is sitting on my lap and her stomach keeps making squishy gurgling noises. I sure hope she doesn’t have an upset stomach. She never seems to want to eat in the morning and feeds later in the day. 

I’ve been kind of looking for a new job but kind of not. I’m not sure. I think I’ll put that off for another month or ten. I just feel kind of empty right now, like I don’t have the motivation for anything new. I need to float in a sensory deprivation pool. I’m kind of hurting but not sure why. Weird.

Thursday, June 25

Chewing the bone

6:48 am The puppy is fourteen weeks old now and consumed with chewing. She pulled the bath towel off the top of her crate that we use to cover it at night. Now she’s in delight chewing and tugging the thick towel. She has a rawhide teething ring and several other things to chew on but she wants to always find something new to chew on. She doesn’t really like to eat when she first gets up. The vet still thinks she’s too skinny. I just gave her a chopped up hard boiled egg in her dry food.

I need to go out to the garden and use the hoe to weed more and plant two cucumber plants and an eggplant. The longer I wait the hotter it gets. I’m lazy....

Wednesday, June 17

Early bird special

6:00 I woke up really early this morning for some reason and got a few things done. I took Bitzi out and now she’s having playtime with her squeaky bone and chew rag and chicken chew ring. She’s been getting pretty cranked up and wild lately. She gets really excited with the kids.Im taking the boys to Lake Geneva public beach later this morning. We’ll go for a while as long as it’s safe and they keep their distance. It’s a nice clean pretty big beach with lifeguard and ropes for the kids. My knee is still bothering me so I don’t know how fun I will be. I’ll probably just sit there watching and trying to not get sunburned. 

I have laundry in the dryer, put the dishwasher stuff away, reloaded it, gathered the trash and recycling. I’m going outside to water in a minute. The two old geezers who live in the house beside us have nothing to do but sit around looking for every tiny little thing they can find to complain to me about. Because they’re ancient dinosaurs I just clench my teeth and nod and walk away. They made some comment about my dropping hostas I transplanted by the mailbox. 

7:03 The boys are awake now. Mike just left for physical therapy. When he gets back he’s going to take my car and fill it with gas. I went out front and watered and transplanted some lilies to the mailbox. I’m hoping today goes smoothly. 
7:41 just discovered the boys didn’t bring swimming trunks. The said they can swim in their shorts but I don’t want to risk the shorts fall down or off in the water. We’ll be running in Walmart. I’ve got to beach bags packed and ready to go. 

1:55 We’re back home from the beach. I made quesadillas for lunch and am doing two loads of laundry. The boys are lying in their room playing on their tablets. We only stayed at the beach about ninety minutes but it was starting to get crowded so we left. I told the boys to keep their distance from people and we weren’t staying long.

Monday, May 25

Remembering the fallen

8:23am It’s Memorial Day. It poured rain for a short times around 6:30 this morning. We’ve had SO much rain lately.

The puppy is sleeping on my lap. So far she’s doing very well. She wasn’t up crying all night. As far as I can tell she didn’t pee or poop in her training cage. She’s getting used to the collar and leash and starting to get the hang of walking with you. She has a long way to go with training but I’m encouraged. It was a long drive to the breeders place in Galena territory. The lady had a cabin set on a hill and the wooden stairs getting up to her front door were a bit scary going up. When we got inside we were “ greeted” ( attacked) by a herd of Shih Tzus- around 20 of them, many trying to climb up our legs and scratching us with their nails. The house had very rustic big log cabin decor and was pretty dimly lit so I had difficulty filling out the paperwork so Michael finished it for me. This puppy had either been inside in a pen with the pack or in a fenced in area in the back of the house that was entirely Astro turf. The dogs also had Astro turf pads inside the house to do their peeing and pooping on. Trying Bitzi to get used to doing her business outside on the grass is our first most important lesson. I’ve hung bells by the back door and every time I take her out we go over and ring the bells. I’m trying to train her to ring the bells to alert us when she needs to go out. I am handling her and touching her belly, legs and tail so she gets used to being handled and remains calm, gentle and submissive. Her mother, Buttercup, is pretty small for an adult Shih Tzu so I don’t expect Bitzi to get very big. 
Today is Memorial Day. My father served 2 terms in the Army. The first time he was stationed in Texas. He re-enlisted during the Korean War and was stationed at an artillery base in Fairbanks Alaska. He achieved the rank of Sergeant. My uncles all served in different branches of the military. 

4:14 pm 

Bitzi is worn out and passed out in her cage. Mike is back in his cage ( office) completing the dreadful online drivers’ safety course after having gotten a speeding ticket a couple months ago. I’ve done an in-person and an online class about fifteen or more years ago. I haven’t had any tickets or fender benders in over five years now. I’m uber careful. I enjoy driving but I’m the overly careful driver everybody honks at and passes. Fine by me. 

Ive been outside with the puppy several times. I talked to the neighbor guy for a long time. I transplanted some shoots from my snowball Bush ( it’s super easy to pull them since the ground is so saturated, and I swept off and sprayed off the back patio and front driveway and sidewalk. I sat outside with the puppy for a long time drinking iced tea, enjoying the breeze. I rolled out my big Bluetooth speaker and was singing away to some great tunes. I made some Purdue pankow crusted chicken nuggets in the oven for lunch. I have a couple windows open, the back screen door open and the ceiling fans on. I hear the tinkle of my wind chimes in the trees out back, the marsh birds singing and the fans whirring away. I’ve messed up my left knee from digging up and transplanting and pulling weeds. My knee is zinging me and my feet are aching the past few days.. I’m going to use my wooden roller on the bottoms of my feet then lie on the floor with my legs and feet up the wall. That should help. I have reserved a plot for planting in our community garden but it’s been closed due to covid but is set to open June first. I’m going to put some tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, peppers, sunflowers in. It’s a 10’ X30’ plot so I’ll see how much room I’ve got once I actually see it and get started. 

Thursday, April 30

Frogs in the distance

10:58am  I’ve been up since 6. I went for a long walk clear down Oak Grove to Cold Springs drive and back on the other side of the street then walked the winding path up the hill in the park across the street from our house. It was chilly, windy and damp out and I had the hood up on my hoodie and tied close around my face so the wind was tolerable. I didn’t see anyone at all out except for at the end when I was going up the steep incline of the hill this jock guy whizzed past me speed walking and then passed me again as he was coming back down. The path makes a loop at the top and there’s a nice sitting bench on the top, in the middle and at the bottom. Moving here to this house with a much smaller yard I’m glad for the park with all the beautiful mature oak trees, flowers and benches right across the street. I call it “goat mountain” and secretly consider it mine. I like to perch at the top on the bench looking down at my kingdom. I chuckle to myself every time I’m up there thinking that. Hey, whatever floats your boat. 

 ike had me cut his hair with his beard trimmer this morning. There isn’t much there to trim but the cuttings did make a little mess on his bathroom sink counter. He used to have thick bushy black hair. Now the hair he does have is mostly gray. I’ve encouraged him to shave it off for a long time but he won’t. 

I can hear the frogs from the marsh behind our yard down the hill chirping and whirring away through our back sliding door. They’re in frog heaven after that heavy rain. 


My youngest daughter Sarah texted me last night that her dad’s colonoscopy biopsy showed a cancerous mass. He’s got to go talk to the doctor Tuesday about surgery and chemo. I feel bad for our kids and grandkids mostly. Gary and I only really started speaking again after 24 years when he was very ill a year ago. He’s been going to some hick doctor in Havana so no wonder it’s taken so long to find out what was wrong. I just feel numb and bacd and it brings back memories of all the stuff from our turbulent 15- year marriage. All the blame was not on him but a lot of it was. I don’t profess to be an angel or without blame. Man, I feel like a car with 350,000 miles on the original engine. This just combines with all the other bad stuff to create the shitstorm tidal wave I felt was coming all through the month of December. I felt it in my gut and deep in my bones. 

12:25pm I just ate a spinach artichoke linguine Lean Cuisine for lunch. I stocked up on a bunch of Lean Cuisines to save cooking and going to the grocery store. Mike refuses to eat them. Yesterday I had a butternut squash and spring vegetables one. Pretty good.

I’m supposed to have three group 5th grade zoom meetings this afternoon. I do not feel at all like doing them. This is all so frustrating. Teaching beginning band students in groups online is like crawling naked over flaming porcupines. I’m sure it’s hard for the students as well. These last few weeks have drug on soooooo slowly like a stoned sloth. Unbearably slow. I HATE this f-Ing bullshit!!!!

I’ve stopped watching the Covid-19 daily press briefings. I’m trying to avoid social media for the most part due to all the batshit crazy things people are posting about politically-fueled conspiracy theories regarding the virus. Please God make it stop! 

The Zoom lessons went okay after all. We’re having meat-free tacos for dinner with yellow rice, refried black beans, diced onions and tomatoes, corn, verde sauce, Mexican cheese, sour cream and Franks hot sauce on flour tortillas. Really good! Tomorrow I’m making pot roast in the crockpot. Last night we got Chicago- style pizza and watched the next to the last episode of Ozark on Netflix. Tonight we’ll watch the last episode of season three. 

Tuesday, April 14


11:16 am 

I have 3 Zoom meetings this afternoon with sixth grade band students: percussion, brass, Woodwinds.I sent them all reminder links yesterday. Tomorrow I’ll send out Zoom meeting reminder links for my fifth graders. Another teacher and I are managing 158 elementary band students from Elgin, South Elgin, Bartlett and Wayne with distance learning daily. We have a shared Google Classroom for each of the two grade levels, I am running the band blog and we’re both doing Zoom group and private lessons. I have six weeks until I retire and it’s dragging by given the situation we’re in. 

Mike is really stressed by everything and it’s becoming increasingly apparent. I don’t know what to do to help make it better. That across the board salary cut really punched him in the gut. That and the stock market. I just feel like I’ve been through so many disasters that this is just another one to get through. 
Hunker  down and grip  tight to the saddle horn an d hang on and it will eventually get better. 

It’s pretty cold and snowing heavily. I brought in the rest of my houseplants that we’re on the front porch and back patio. I’m sure they’re really pissed off and are going to die on me. It’s really to chilly and unpleasant to go out for a walk. I have more bread rising in the kitchen. 

I had a couple more kids request private Zoom lessons this morning so I scheduled them and sent them the links. That should help keep us occupied and out of trouble.

For some reason I’ve been dreaming a lot the past few weeks and I never dream. There’s something weird going on with me it seems. Perhaps some type of spiritual and / or sensory awakening? 

I bought some fresh sweet corn in the husk Saturday to have with Easter dinner Sunday but then forgot it. I’m going to cook it today otherwise it goes bad and starchy. 

11:49 I just cooked the corn on the cob. Really good yellow and white sweet corn. 

Wednesday, March 18

Nesting instinct


It’s a rainy chilly day in sharp contrast to yesterday’s beautiful weather. I’ve only poked my head outside a couple times. Mike has been working quietly in the back office all day. He worked until 12:30am this morning for the election coverage. He did sleep a few hours after that. 

Friday, February 21

And now it’s here

As has been the case the last couple weeks I’m dragging, slow and sleepy this morning wanting to go curl up under the covers and sleep a couple more hours. I put my gents ya in eye drops in this morning and now I’m feeling pain behind the left eyeball. That’s the one that had the detached retina. Not good. Maybe the drops are doing something in there. Probably ought to see an ophthalmologist.....I haven’t gone for a couple years. I just got so freakin sick of doctors after the stem cell transplant.

I need to go prep my lunch & coffee travel mug to take in my car with me for lunch. And get dressed and do my hair and makeup. I am so not in to this. There is a gloom weighing me down. BUT gotta do it to keep my job, not get in trouble, keep getting paid, snap out of it.

Hello darkness my old friend

It’s 5:55 and I’ve been up for forty minutes. I’ll leave here shortly to drive the mile to our lodge to use the pool and workout. I didn’t g...