Stay young!

Saturday, February 29

Blackberry pancakes

10:24 It’s Saturday and I’ve been up for a couple hours. We went out a did some errands and I made blackberry pancakes when we got back. I just ate one with my coffee. Pretty darned tasty. Mike just left to go to the Chicago golf show with his son Casey, son-in-law Justin and nephew Matthew. He’ll be gone several hours. I’m going to go get my car washed and then go hang out at the lodge pool #justkeepswimming, #watertherapy, #wellness. I am trying for calmer, happier, healthier.

This Tuesday Mike goes to the doctor for his shoulders and neck issues and Thursday he’s taking his mom for her PET scan and brain MRI. That will be a big ordeal to get done.

Friday, February 28

Quiet day

This is a school district in-service day and I took the day off. I’m still congested, tired, burned out and glum. Still no progress with my daughter who hasn’t been talking to any of us since Christmas ( none of us did or said anything. There was no incident or confrontation.) Its very worrisome, frustrating aggravating. I have been in angst for many weeks now. 
The situation with Mike’s mom continues to get worse. She is depressed, angry, unwilling to do or participate in anything, help herself.Her PET scan is next Thursday but since her initial diagnosis of lung cancer she’s just given up. If the PET scan shows it has spread it will only make things worse. I wouldn’t be surprised if she refuses treatment. 



Mike is getting ready to leave for work. I have to take my clarinet over to Les in Streamwood to fix my pinkie key problem. I couldn’t see to fix it myself. I may go to the pool and sauna and steam myself. All these news reports of the corona virus spreading are concerning. I have a weak immune system anyway and don’t need more stuff to catch #pandemic. I’m glad I’m retiring and in a bunch of schools all the time. 





Monday, February 24

FN Monday

Pretty bad sore throat this morning. The sky is really gloomy and overcast. There’s a bunch of snow, rain and wind coming tonight and tomorrow.

More later. 





5:02 pm  I went to the dentist after work and got my three fillings done. Now the left side of my face is numb.
At about 12:45 Michael called me and said his mother was having a complete hysterical sobbing breakdown. His Aunt called him and said she was over there and Annette kind of had a nervous breakdown and was sobbing and wailing so much she couldn’t talk and could barely breathe. It’s another week until her PET scan and brain MRI to see if the left lung cancer has spread but she is totally losing it. They called the doctor and her nurse called back and finally got her to calm down. This isn’t good. She shouldn’t be living alone. I’ve said it for a long time but they don’t listen to me.

Saturday, February 22

Self care when you’re feeling stressed

Saturday is usually a good day. You’ve finished the work week, you can sleep in, you don’t have to pack your lunch, you can stay in your pajamas and you can do what you want. I slept until 7:15 this morning which is late for me. I slept really well through the night. As of yesterday I’m feeling more congested in my lungs even though I’ve been taking the antibiotics since Wednesday. Nothing seems to help.

Poached eggs for breakfast egg poacher pan


Yesterday I arranged for one of our friends to give his drum set to one of my students who has been wanting one for a long time. Mike and I are going to get pick it up in the morning and then deliver it to the boy. The mom said her boy is super excited to get it. I’m happy it will work out. I have some computer school work to do today that will take an hour or so. I ought to get that done before I get sidetracked to other things.

Later this evening I’m going to take a nice long bath and scrape my feet and exfoliate my skin and give myself a facial and hair conditioning treatment #selfcare, #beautyspa, #selfcare, #healing, #watertherapy. In my bathroom I have plants, Buddha pictures and figures and an essential oil diffuser. I try to relax in my tub and let go of all the shit that’s bugging me #spa, #spatherapy, #zen. That’s better than any medicine or talk therapy.

Best wrinkle Serum 

 Still no word from my oldest daughter. I’m just letting it play out but it’s hard. I have learned that I cannot always fix, solve or change things or people. I can only control myself and even then it’s if-y, 


















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3:51   Underneath it all, I’ve been in a pretty bad mood for weeks now. I’m just SO FED UP with bullshit. It’s as simple as that. I try to be nice. I try to be positive. I try to be calm and get along but it’s getting harder and harder for me.










Friday, February 21

And now it’s here

As has been the case the last couple weeks I’m dragging, slow and sleepy this morning wanting to go curl up under the covers and sleep a couple more hours. I put my gents ya in eye drops in this morning and now I’m feeling pain behind the left eyeball. That’s the one that had the detached retina. Not good. Maybe the drops are doing something in there. Probably ought to see an ophthalmologist.....I haven’t gone for a couple years. I just got so freakin sick of doctors after the stem cell transplant.

I need to go prep my lunch & coffee travel mug to take in my car with me for lunch. And get dressed and do my hair and makeup. I am so not in to this. There is a gloom weighing me down. BUT gotta do it to keep my job, not get in trouble, keep getting paid, snap out of it.

Thursday, February 20

Almost Friday almost the weekend

6:25 pm

I’ve been home from work for a while. I did some school work, called the pharmacy, heated up and ate some leftover ramen noodles with peas, corn and butter, read emails, washed my face, brushed my hair, used my prescription eye drops, take my antibiotic and put my pajamas on. I have infection in my lower lungs. I knew that before going to the doctor yesterday. I’m rattle-y, junky and wheeze-y. It makes it difficult and aggravating singing and playing instrument at work all day. My throat hurts and my voice is pretty hoarse. Very attractive. I am SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!We watched the democratic presidential debate last night. It got pretty frickin nasty and heated! I almost felt like I was watching WWE wrestling.




I am still pretty depressed about stuff but trying really really hard not to be.

Wednesday, February 19

Porcupine in my throat

The TV news makes my head throb. I want to watch it but I don’t want to watch it. Reading the paper is kind of the same but usually not as cheesy. Yesterday president Trump commuted the prison sentence of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. That didn’t surprise me at all. Trump is just doing things for that flash, shock and publicity. I hope I live to see the day he’s run out of office and locked up for all his crimes.
Tonight is another Democratic presidential debate in Las Vegas, the first one including billionaire former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. He is the eighth richest person on earth worth an estimated 68 billion dollars. I am anxious to see how he functions at the debate.

I feel like crap this morning. My throat is sore, I’m congested and my eyes have been watering, itching, matting shut and sensitive for weeks. I’m going to the doctor after school today. I just feel like sleeping all the time lately. Part of that is the weather and gloominess every day.

I want to be here....



Yesterday Mike took his mother to the oncologist. Her tumor on the left side is about 2” in diameter. It is mutation PDL1. The oncologist said this cancer type responds well to immune therapy but she has to have tests to make sure it hasn’t metastasized to other organs before treatment is decided. She has to have a brain MRI and a full body PET scan. Once they were done with the oncologist appointment it was too late to schedule the scans so Mike will do that today #cancersucks, #lungcancer, #curecancer. Mike is all too familiar with all these procedures, testing and medical linger from being ny cancer advocate for years.


I need to go to the grocery store again. Mike will stop at the store but he doesn’t shop to cook meals. He’ll pick up an item or two if I ask him but mostly he’ll get himself Gatorade or hot dogs or stuff like that. He doesn’t cook so doesn’t get the meal prep shopping deal. Maybe I can go during my time gap between schools. 






Monday, February 17

Suds

Im up doing laundry, tidying up, reading, drinking coffee. When I got up a while ago I discovered Mike propped up on the living room couch in a stupor. Now he’s skulked off back to bed and closed the door. Our bedroom now in this house is bigger than any bedroom I’ve ever had- almost too big. There’s a huge walk-in closet and huge bathroom attached. In our bedroom we have our queen black metal frame bed, a 4- drawerblonde wood  IKEA dresser, a couple metal IKEA tables holding Walmart ceramic lamps serving as nightstands, a flat-screen TV on a stand ( we never turn on or use) and an old pinkish multicolor ugly recliner still in good shape that Mike bought for his divorced apartment in 1997. We are not fancy expensive furniture people. We are not make payments for five years for furniture kind of people. We are simple basic serves our needs folks.
Anyway the big ‘ master bathroom” in our bedroom suite is mine. It has a jacuzzi tub, separate shower area, separate toilet room, separate lighted makeup vanity. Mike uses the full guest bathroom on the other side of the house down the hall by the guest bedroom. His has a tub and shower and vanity and he’s perfectly happy. We have always had our own separate bathrooms and that’s fine. I have too much stuff on the counter and that drives him nuts. My bathroom is bigger than my old bathroom but has MUCH less storage space which can be a problem. I had to get rid of a whole bunch of stuff. Same with this new kitchen - WAY less cabinet and counter space. The first couple months I felt really frustrated, traumatized and heartbroken. We intended to do a kitchen update, change the counters and sink, add an additional cabinet or two but now with Mike’s job situation concerns we’ve put the brakes on that for now. We’re focusing on real needs right now instead of wants or desires or wild hairs up my ass frivolous spending ideas.

So the company buyouts / cuts/ downsizing process for Mike’s company is still going on and the full results and outcome are as of yet unknown and so I have stopped a lot of my normal spending. I have unsubscribed from numerous monthly things which just slowly leech money and suck you dry gently in the background. My current mission is to get creative and use up what ingredients we already have in the kitchen and cut way down on stores and restaurants. Kind of like the show Chopped- you create meals using ingredients you have on hand. Very thankfully I learned very well how to do that living on a farm out in the boonies with a bunch of kids. Use what you’ve got. Improvise, substitute.





In this life, where have you found refuge? Refuges include people, places, memories, ideas, and ideals—anyone or anything that provides reliable sanctuary and protection, so you can let down your guard and gather strength and wisdom.
- Buddha’s Brain 


In April 2015 I had a sudden major violent seizure out of the blue signaling my brain cancer had returned after 7 years. After 5 years, in 2013, top specialists proclaimed me cured and no longer needed routine brain MRIs.
You NEVER know what will happen or if you will be granted a tomorrow. What will be left behind when I’m gone? Who know if and or when my cancer will return? What lasting thing of value can I leave except for memories that I helped another in some small way? Things do not matter.

Do all that you can, with all that you have, in the time that you have, in the place where you are.

11-13

I’ve been in a weird mood lately and mostly keeping to myself. I went to see my kids last weekend. I so needed that. Good for the soul. I’m still struggling with my mostly constant bronchial congestion and wheezing. I’m using my nebulizer now before going to work. Two trimesters to go.




For this is Christmas

So it’s 6:02 on Christmas morning. Vicki is sleeping in the spare room. Mike is sawing logs like Paul Bunyan in our bedroom ( I can hear him through the closed door) all is quiet and peaceful just like I like it.

I was super tired last night after having stayed at the hotel with Samantha and five of the grandkids and swimming twice and then driving Vicki all the way here. I hadn’t slept much in two nights so after I got Vicki in her pajamas and put to bed and all her presents put out under the tree I took a melatonin to help me sleep. I slept very soundly.






I just Tried putting the spiral-sliced ham I bought in my big crockpot to cook and it’s too big to fit so I had to dig out this huge heavy duty deep-dish round pizza pan to put it in then I added the spice packet on top the ham with a little water for steam then tented it up with several layers of aluminum foil then pinched sealed all the edges tight in hopes on sealing in the moisture so it won’t be took dry. I’m having some left lung pain this morning (nothing new) so I just used my Symbicort inhaler and sat back down to finish my coffee. i was pleasantly surprised that Vicki is able to navigate in and out of all the rooms with her wheelchair. We’ve lived here since March but this is the first time Vicki has been here. I guess since this whole community of homes was built for people 55 and older they’d make the doorways wide enough for wheel chairs and all one level. We watched an Animal Planet show last night and Vicki was laughing out loud at the penguins and baby alligators. Mike went out shopping Monday night while I was gone and bought Vicki some presents- a Minnie and Mickey doll, a jewelry box and bead necklaces, a couple stuffed animals. I bought her a sweater and another outfit and a fluffy pouf pillow for her bed at her house. She’ll have a lot to open when she wakes up after while. We’ll go for a walk today and maybe go look around at Walgreens. Mike is going to his family Christmas gathering at his brother Stevens in Downers Grove. I told him Vicki and I are staying home. It doesn’t start until its getting dark and it would be too difficult with that many people. I feel like they always treat Vicki like some pitiful circus freak. They’ll look at her with an obvious level of discomfort, shove a $20 bill in my hand and tell me to but something nice for her and then quickly move away. It’s just weird. I’d rather stay home than deal with it and Mike is fine with going by himself. I can’t stand his loud mouth obnoxious brother Steven anyway. Ugh.

I was raised a Methodist. My mother read the Bible to us every night before we went to sleep.

I haven’t gone to a church service in a long long time. I have investigated many religions over my life and attended lots of different types of services and ceremonies. I align my beliefs and life outlook most closely to the teachings of Buddha, who was just a guy and didn’t proclaim to be a messiah or God. I just don’t believe all that other stuff. I respect other people’s beliefs as long as they don’t push their crazy shit on me or try to shame me. I like the season of Christmas but I don’t like the actual religious stuff or nut jobs who wave their crap about. Nope......



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Deep in the abyss

So now it;s Thursday. Mike just left for work finally. It’s 9:53. He starts late. This is my last vacation day to myself. I’m going to the pool / spa in a little while. I scrubbed the stove down this morning with an SOS pad. Mike said it still smelled like fish in the kitchen after the New Years Eve seafood cooking on top of the stove. I didn’t smell it but my sense of smell hasn’t returned to normal since the stem cell transplant four years ago. I can smell some things but not like other normal people. Whatever...

It’s bright and sunny but colder today. I have decided not to worry about my kids. They’re all adults. I’ve spend enough time worrying about them. Things always turn out okay.  So push that aside. My pink eye shit is better but not gone completely. Yesterday and last night I rubbed fresh aloe juice on and in them and put a wet washcloth over my eyes quite a bit. Very soothing. They still look a little puffed. I haven’t put on any eye makeup for a couple days. My brows and lashes are practically transparent. 

I’m using my old janky keyboard with my iPad. The keys and action really are shitty. Mike bought himself a new ipad about 18 months ago. Being OCD he searched and researched for along time until finally buying it and getting the best deal. Then, as usual, he didn’t use it but left it in the original box in the closet. I finally got it out the other night and set it up. He still hasn’t really used it. He will not use gifts people give him either. They sit on the shelf. He has some weird-ass tendencies.......

After I get back from the pool I’m going to pack my stuff for our 2 nights in Lake Geneva. Years ago we got conned in to buying a timeshare through the Grand Geneva resort. We can use our yearly points to stay at their other resorts around the country, We’ve stayed in Gatlinburg and Las Vegas with points at the sister resorts. There are lots of others we haven’t tried. Anyway so you get a very nice 1 or 2 bedroom condo unit with a living room and fully stocked kitchen at each of these resorts. Nice.  Not sure the yearly taxes and maintenance fees are worth it though. Super big pain in the ass to get out of your timeshare contract. I’m sure we will eventually. Almost everything is a scam.......


                          the taxes for the now legal pot are ridiculous!!!! This receipt is NOT mine, by the way. I’m too cheap to pay that!






(Temporary Backup) Winter in Chicago far west suburbs

Well I’m not driving down to Lewistown. It started snow sleeting yesterday afternoon and continued most of the night. It’s supposed to be warmer for a while this morning then later the temperature drops and it gets windy and flash freezes all the melted stuff. I made poached eggs egg poacher  and toast for breakfast then put on my insulated leggings, thermal Columbia top winter thermal top and my Ugg furry boots Winter boots  and put my hair in braids to control it. We’re going out to shovel and scrape ice in a few minutes. My throat is sore and my cough is getting worse. I’m going to the pool later and steaming myself in the sauna to open up my breathing. nebulizer

Now it’s snowing hard again! Gotta get our asses out there #midwestwinter, #chicagowinter and get to shoveling and using the snowblower.

(Temporary Backup) Dragging to Friday

I am so relieved today is Friday. I’m still feeling drug out, tired and congested from the bad flu I had a couple weeks ago. This time of year is always the same- cold, gloomy, overcast and lots of kids and school staff sick and trying to survive until spring. I did order and receive some packets of zinnia zinnias nd morning glory seeds to plant as soon as spring arrives.  I had bought some hyacinth bulbs that bloomed but we’re kind of shitty and fell over and died so I threw them out. 

I just put a pork roast in the crockpot with seasoning to cook all day. Later when I get home I’ll shred it apart with two forks and add some Open Pit barbecue sauce . Last weekend at the anniversary party they had lots of food but I really liked the pulled pork sliders so I’m trying to make that.
OPEN PIY


Wednesday afternoon I made meatballs in the oven, mashed potatoes, corn , brocolli and also made some vegetable soup with some of the browned ground beef. Yesterday afternoon I doctored the soup up with more stuff and made dinner rolls to go with it so we had soup and fresh rolls for supper.

I still haven’t spoken to my older daughter. I’ve decided I have enough to take care of and I am not going to put up with her verbal abuse. I am guessing her new fibromyalgia medicine has triggered it but nothing excuses her behavior. You teach people how to treat you. Next weekend I’m going to go see my other daughter and grandsons. I haven’t seen them since before Christmas. 

Presidents’ Day

8:11 am This is Presidents’s day and I have the day off from school. Mike has to go in to his newspaper office but he usually doesn’t leave home until 9 or so. I have been sick in varying degrees since September. Right now I have my usual congestion plus my throat is sore and my voice hoarse. I went to Peoria and stayed at the hotel with my three grandsons. My youngest daughter and her husband stayed in another room down the hall. We swam for about 90 minutes Saturday late afternoon but left when the pool got too crazy full. Evidently there were a couple birthday parties going on and the hotel was pretty full. Our rooms were way back on the far end of the property. We had never stayed back there and it was a really long walk to get to the pool and breakfast area. The pool water was a bit chilly for me but the boys didn’t care and had a blast. I ordered from Avantis for dinner and Sarah and Keith went out for a rare alone dinner. The boys were asleep with the TV and lights off by 9:30 but I kept hearing a group of little girls running up and down the hall outside our room giggling and squealing. I fell asleep for a couple hours but woke around 1am hearing someone in the room above us stomping and jumping so I couldn’t go back to sleep for a long time. Sunday morning we woke up, went down for breakfast and we’re all going to go swim for an hour or two but my head felt full and dizzy and I felt like shit so I stayed in the room to tidy up and the rest of them went to swim. We left the hotel around 11 and I drove home. My daughter texted me last night that she didn’t feel well and had a sore throat and white spots on her throat. I just hate this suck-y time of winter when it’s cold, gloomy and everyone is sick. Gaaaah! I keep thinking about going south in February in coming years # bucketofsuck,#winterinchicago, #ineedsunshine
I guess it could be worse.....Mike is taking his mom to the oncologist tomorrow after getting the stage 4 cancer results from her lung biopsy #cancersucks, #cureallcancers. Due to the latest results on his mother Mike has put off getting his painful shoulders and neck problems looked at. When it rains it pours.
It’s supposed to start snowing from 10-1 and then turn to rain for the rest of the day. I have a couple errands to run and then I’m going to the dentist for fillings this afternoon.
I’ve been sleeping with my vaporizer misting on the nightstand with eucalyptus oil in it every night to help me breathe better.





Saturday, February 15

Saturday in the park

The sky is very gray and overcast with  no hint of the sun. Looking out the front window snow covers most of the view. I’m moving slowly this morning. My head feels full and stuffy. Mike is watching The Dog Whisperer in the living room alone and laughing out loud to himself. We haven’t had a pet for five years since Scooter died of lung cancer. We took him to the vet and held him and petted him while the IV drug ended his life. I tear up even now thinking about. Since then my fucking brain cancer came back so I had to have a bunch of chemo and then the Godawful stem cell transplant. My immune system has been rebuilding the last couple years so we’ve been pet free in our home. We might get a puppy this summer. I’d like a cat but Mike is deathly allergic to cats.



I’m going to wrap up the rest of the cake I made yesterday and get it the hell out of here. Neither one of us needs more cake.



Friday, February 14

Very cold this morning

Right now it’s -10 degrees outside. It’s supposed to be super cold all day. I’m feeling very sleep drunk and trying to snap out of it and wake up. Mike got me two bunches of flowers, chocolate and a gigantic card for Valentine’s Day #Valentinesday.  Usually he gets nothing or some lame silly card. After he completely ignored our twentieth anniversary and my sixtieth birthday--- a few months later after it kept eating at me how uncaring and insensitive he was I told him how much his lack of caring hurt me. Now he’s kind of going overboard but it actually seems forced, phony and insincere. I got him nothing. I guess you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t but I’m still hurting. You can’t just erase it like marker on a dry- erase board. It’s still there.

Gotta go get ready for work.



******************************
2:28
I got done at work early due to the valentine parties. I stopped at the store and then came home. It doesn’t seem so cold now. When I got home I made some spaghetti sauce and a yellow cake. Okay I’m trying to be nice for Valentine’s Day.

I’m depressed about the situation with Samantha and also about Annette’s cancer diagnosis. Mike got her oncologist appointment moved up to next Tuesday and he’s going with his mother.  Having been a reporter for years, he asks many great questions at a medical appointments, takes precise notes and has lots of experience being a cancer patient advocate. God knows he’s been through all the crazy bullshit with my cancer crap #cancersurvivor, #cancersucks, #cancerwarrior, #ihatecancer. He has several small wire bound reporters’ notebooks recording all my appointments and test results dating back to 2008.  I’m really glad that he’s going with her to ask questions and record information.

I’m waiting for the two cake layers to cool then I’ll frosting and assemble it. The spaghetti sauce is simmering on low.

Okay the cake is done. It looks good. The sauce is done. I turned it off because I don’t want the bottom to burn. I’ll go clean up the kitchen in a bit. I’ve had a mild sore throat and hoarseness all week. It’s impossible to rest my voice and not speak. I still have some residual congestion in my bronchial tubes and occasional cough but I feel it’s getting better little by little. You have to count your blessings, not your sorrows and have a grateful heart. 
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5:51 I am feeling great heartache over my daughter cutting off the family. I can’t even check on my granddaughters. It just came out of the blue over Christmas. We don't have any idea why in the hell she’s acting this way or what on earth could possibly have happened for her to act this way. It really really hurts and worries me. I try to tell myself that it will all unfold and come out and be okay eventually but that doesn’t help. I’m sick with worry. I hope seeing my younger daughter and the kids tomorrow helps.

Thursday, February 13

Frozen yuck

We got a couple inches of snow and more is coming. It turned significantly colder yesterday. I have my tall Ugg boots on and am wearing my long quilted puffer coat. This too shall pass. Here goes.....






5:12
The drive to school this morning was unpleasant. Now that we live in Sun City Huntley it’s about 18 miles to work every day through hectic suburban traffic. I take I-90 East for 7 miles and then Randall Road to South Elgin. It was snowing, the roads were not cleared very well and Randall Road is busy hell under good conditions. I am not going to miss mornings like that when I’m retired.

Mike’s sister Nancy has been staying with Annette ( their mom) since yesterday when they ( all four siblings) told her her lung biopsy came back stage four cancer. When they told her she was surprisingly calm about it. They made her an appointment with the oncologist and talked to her about what possible tests and treatments she might need. Later on in the evening when only Nancy was there with her she broke down crying. Sometimes bad news takes a while to sink in. Nancy is a flight attendant and has to leave and fly out of O’Hare tomorrow. Mike and his brothers will go over to see her over the weekend but she gets depressed when she’s alone. I’ve told Mike and her before that she can come and live with us. I don’t know what will happen.



My daughter Samantha is still giving me and the rest of the family the silent treatment and none of us have any clue what the hell is her problem. I’m going to see my younger daughter and sons and grandsons this weekend. That will be nice at least.




Wednesday, February 12

Trudging through the snow and fog like a zombie

I need to get my gluteus maximus out of the recliner and start getting my hot mess self ready to go to school. It’s supposed to snow again this afternoon. My throat is still sore and hoarse ( third day). Last night I put Vic’s vaporub on my throat with a towel. I’ll gargle with warm salt water before I leave.
     I still feel very low and glum with thoughts of my daughter’s bullshit and Annettes biopsy results. It’s like someone dropped a load of bricks on me. I kept tearing up last night thinking about Mike and his siblings going over to Annette’s this morning to tell her about her biopsy results. It’s got to be difficult. Mike is pretty tough. He just comes out and says things and tells the truth no matter what.
     Okay getting up and getting ready for work. I’ll probably add more later. I will need to vent to you. I am not one who can hold things inside. 

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11:43 I have a pretty generous time gap between schools on Wednesday. I finished up at my first school and then went to the gas station and filled up. Now I'm killing time before I go in to my next school. I've caught up with emails. I texted Mike and he said his mother took the cancer new surprisingly well. It will probably take a while to sink in. I think they're trying to her scheduled with an oncologist appointment now.  I tried calling my daughter again and left a message. 

It's getting colder now and getting ready to start snowing. 








Tuesday, February 11

Intuition or something else?

I remember before Christmas I kept having this feeling something big was coming, that something major was going to happen, some significant life- changing thing. I wasn’t really sure but I could feel it coming in my bones. Now for some unknown reason my daughter has cut me, her father, her siblings and who knows who else out of her life and won’t talk or communicate. Out of the blue. We have no idea what on earth is going on. Also my ex father-in-law died and now my mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer today via results from a lung biopsy. She doesn’t know yet. Mike and his brothers and sister are going over there tomorrow to tell her. She had breast cancer on the same side about fifteen years ago treated with a lumpectomy and radiation. All her checkups and mammograms have been clear. I am just sick over this. She’s been sad, irritable and depressed for four years since her husband , Jerry, died of liver cancer. They’re going to get her a PET scan and battery of tests to find out just how progressed it is. I wish there was something I could do. 
I feel SO SAD and awful.




Monday, February 10

Recliner girl

It’s 4:41 and I’ve been home for a while. I’ve been on the phone with TRS and AIG about retirement. My head is going to explode there’s so much stuff to process. I sort of felt yucky at work today so I got off the phone and took a nice leisurely warm shower and put on my pajamas. I have heard spring birds singing outside the last few days. I heard some as I walked to the mailbox earlier. Hearing them warms my heart and makes me feel better. There IS hope of better days ahead. I get so cranky, miserable and anxious this time of year. It will make me feel better to see the kids this weekend. I’m looking forward to that.
I think Mike just wants to have pulled pork for dinner tonight. That’s easy because it’s already made. I’ll just have a sweet potato. I’m sitting here sideways in my old brown leather recliner. I always sit here and read sideways with my legs draped over the arm. It serves its purpose and is still in okay shape. We’ve trying to save up and put a big chunk of money against the house. We’re going to pay it off completely this summer. That will make retirement a bit easier.

I need to start proofreading my damned posts. Sometimes I’ll go back and reread them and die of embarrassment at the typos and dumbass things that accidentally get in. Often I type posts on my IPad when I’m not quite yet awake and sipping my first coffee. The old one finger pecking on the IPad can also spell disaster. #makeamericasmartagain.

Sunday, February 9

Sunday snow’s a-comin

I made some cinnamon rolls this morning and now I’m finishing my second cup of coffee. It’s supposed to start snowing soon up to three inches and then start raining. I just don’t like the sleet and ice so maybe the rain will just melt all the snow. My friend who lives in Denver just got slammed with a crazy amount of snow so this stuff won’t seems like much compared to that. 

Mike and I didn’t do too much yesterday. We took his car ( black Chevy Tahoe) to Fast Eddies here in Huntley for an exterior wash and interior cleaning. I took my Kia Sorrento there Friday afternoon but just got the exterior wash as it was full of my instruments and school stuff. After the car wash yesterday we went to a couple stores then came home and stayed home. Neither of us are feeling very good or frisky. We’re both tired.  






Mike’s mom had a lung biopsy Thursday of a spot that showed up on a CT scan and she should get the pathology report back tomorrow or Tuesday. It’s the left lung. She had breast cancer on the left about fifteen years ago and was treated with a simple lumpectomy and a little radiation. She’s been pretty depressed since her husband Jerry died three years ago. She’s stopped going to mass, bingo and doesn’t want to go anywhere or take a shower or get dressed. We’ve all tried and tried.      
Depression?







At some Point we’re going to go away to somewhere warm and sunny during February. We both like the thought of the Florida keys. Neither of us like crowds or touristy bullshit places. We really love nature and water.








11:16 It’s snowing very heavily now - crazy heavy but it’s not supposed to last that long or accumulate to much.     We’re cleaning the house, doing laundry and preparing for the coming work week. I think we’ll run out briefly and drop a couple things off at Goodwill. Since our house is smaller than the old one we need to continually thin things down. I guess I’m now used to not having a basement but we need to redo the attic stairs so I can go up and down more easily and safely to store and retrieve things. The aluminum pull-down stairs are hard to pull down and just scary for me#seniorcitizen, #aginggracefully, #retire2020, #chicagowinters.







So after cooking a bunch this week we now have in the fridge vegetable beef soup, pulled pork, meatballs and cheesecake  I should put some in the freezer today.
cheesecake mix






2:30 It's STILL snowing! I just made chocolate chip cookies and will put a bunch of stuff in the freezer ( the squirrel in me!)


3:27   I did some school work in my little back office. After I retire I can get rid of a lot more stuff. I bought Milo a trombone and a different mouthpiece and a padded strap for his case and a beginner book to start. I’ll also give him a folding music stand to go with it.

I put the chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon rolls I baked today in smaller bags in the freezer. I don’t need them sitting out on the counter tempting me. Mike and I are going to go out and shovel before the sleet starts and it gets dark. We have a lawn maintenance company mow and trim all summer. I just tend my flowers. Lots of residents here in Sun City have snow removal service but we shovel our own. Both of Mike’s shoulders are starting to go bad. I’m sure he’ll get them fixed at some point. We’ll probably have the snow removal service at some point too.





5:19 I know today is an unusually long post for me. Sometimes I get on a roll. Also being stuck inside with the snow gave me ample time to blabber on more than usual.

We went out and shoveled then went to the store and ran a couple errands. It’s misting rain now. There’s probably 2-3 inches of snow on the ground but it’s pretty wet and melting and slides easily. Since I’m so congested I got about a third of the driveway cleared and had to stop for a huge hacking attack before I continued. I had a couple of those before we were finished. Got a lot of gunk out from all the hacking though.
We just got home from errands and the neighbor lady kitty corner across the street from us with the loud vicious dog who always barks it’s fucking head off was out shoveling ( and of course, you could hear her fucking dog barking inside the house) so Mike gave me the bags to bring inside and said he was going to go help her shovel. I would have gone to help too if it weren’t for her having that loud fucking dog barking ALL THE TIME. Uh no....

I’m making a little fettuccine after while. I got a new seed starter kit and some zinnia flower seeds!!! The snow plow just went by. We live on a corner lot. Every time the snowplow goes by they pile our driveway closed! Damn it! I think they do it on purpose.




Hello darkness my old friend

It’s 5:55 and I’ve been up for forty minutes. I’ll leave here shortly to drive the mile to our lodge to use the pool and workout. I didn’t g...