I have become comfortably numb

It’s gray, overcast and rainy. Mike and I left home at 6am today to pick up two friends in Carpentersville and dropped them at OHare to fly to Tennessee. I’m feeling really numb, depressed and blah today. I don’t feel like doing anything. I just finished something school related on my IPad. Mike is working.

Friday day off

I didn’t have to work today. I slept late. I took Bitzi for a long walk. I watered my flowers. More bad stuff has happened with my sons. I can’t bear it. 

Grief

The situation between my adult kids and their dad’s will has escalated. I am sick over it all. Now my oldest son has been picked up by federal Marshall’s. We all knew it was coming. He’s done it to himself with his addictions. I want to crawl into a deep hole and never come out. My ex created this whole situation and enabled and excused our son his whole life. I can’t do a thing about it. I feel like I’m in the middle of a horrible nightmare. And I have to go to work and act like nothing is wrong. I should be a pro at it by now.

Slug

5:41am Wednesday

I’ve now finished the steroids and have a few more antibiotics left. My wheezing and congestion seems to be getting worse. I woke up several times during the night. I’m feeling tired, sluggish and congested. The last couple days have been worse at my sub job due to the hysterical raging outbursts of the one little autistic girl. She should not be in a regular classroom but evidently due to the whole pandemic bullshit her needs have not be adequately assessed or addressed. She throws hysterical often violent fits randomly about the smallest things and it disrupts the rest of the classroom, the other kids in person and the 16 online kids, the other teacher and me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around that little crazy timebomb. Yesterday was really bad. Honestly after I get home I don’t feel like doing much at all because I feel so drained. I have fourteen days left.

Applying the brakes

I’m feeling overwhelmed and overloaded. I’m canceling and cutting out things for a bit. I’m nearing the end of my steroids and antibiotic but still hacking and wheezing. I need to calm down finish this sub job, get over this crud and relax.

Monday

It’s Monday morning 5:44 am. Counting today I have 16 days left to sub. I only have to go to school from 8-12 today but I have a meeting for neighborhood 3 stuff at 2 and then our community-wide neighborhood reps Zoom meeting at 6:30 tonight. I need to practice my saxophone at some point.

I had a good weekend and went down and saw my kids, grandkids and sisters. It was a lot of driving but I made it. I took Bitzi with me and she loved playing with Samantha’s two ShihTzus. My sister and brother-in-law from Canton are up at Mayo Clinic today in Rochester MN. My brother-in-law, Pete, has been dealing with kidney disease for years and now it’s bad enough to start the transplant process. He is not well overall and he and my sister are scared.

I’m still coughing and hacking a lot. Friday my primary doctor prescribed me an antibiotic and steroid dose pack. Those bring their own unpleasant side effects. Hopefully it will clear up my gunk and be worth it.