YIN YANG

The dishwasher and furnace are whooshing away in the background of an otherwise silent house.

Last Wednesday my stepdaughter’s mother died and my other stepdaughters father- in- law died. Both of them were in their mid fifties. Yikes! Very sad for the family. I was not close to either one but still feel bad for my stepdaughters. And on the same day our little Mabel was born.  

 It’s Saturday and Mike is back in his office working for a while. He works a little bit on weekend mornings and from 9 to 6 or 7 on weekdays although he has to edit and approve the front page of the next day’s paper every night between 9-11. It seems like it never ends. I doubt he’ll ever retire now that his big boss has retired…… And he wants to blame the pandemic but he never wants to do anything or go anywhere. Just wants to work, eat dinner in front of the TV at night, fall asleep alone watching TV and do it all over the next day. I feel so stifled and claustrophobic and he doesn’t listen or care at all…..

Monday I’m going to visit my new grandbaby, Mabel, and spend time with family. I get a little break.

Baby day

It’s 5:44AM and I’ve been awake for a while. My daughter Sarah is going to the hospital this morning for a C-section delivery because baby girl is in breech position. She said if everything goes smoothly she’ll be back home Friday. I’m probably going to go down there Monday - Wednesday next week to see her and the baby and help out as I can. I woke up an hour ago and couldn’t go back to sleep thinking about her.

Later this morning my sister Sallie is coming up from Canton and Mike’s going to pick up his mother and bring her here so she, Sallie and I can attend a Mae West show and luncheon here in the ballroom at Sun City. Sallie and I will drive Annette home after the show at 3pm. Sallie is staying with us overnight and driving back home tomorrow. 

Start over

It’s Monday morning and a fresh, new start to the week. I’m enjoying my coffee with Bitzi curled up on my lap looking out the front window to the East and the bleak overcast sky.

I need to perk up and get started with my day. Mike just got out of the shower and will soon go back to his office and start his work. There are multiple family issues brewing but none that I need to address right now ( as far as I know….)

I need to make the bed, clean my bathroom, clean the kitchen, clean the spare room, practice, go shopping, stop at Goodwill, go to the gym and pool, take the dog for a couple walks and try to cook dinner. It’s so gloomy outside and I get this glum depressed feeling from it. I also need to put on some music and dance to shake out the gloom. Sounds like a plan! 

Still the same old girl she used to be

This morning I’ve gone through a ton of papers I’ve accumulated over the years: course transcripts, profession development certificates, letters of recommendation, evaluations, legal documents, insurance paperwork. I got rid of 98% of it and only kept a few things. I have 69 graduate  hours past my masters, mostly about autism, ADHD and at-risk/ impoverished students. SO MUCH paperwork from all those years! I don’t need any of it now. I played my old 1974 clarinet twice this morning. My lip is weak. It was pretty bad BUT there were a few passing notes of beauty and joy. I feel somehow renewed. That same dorky nerdy bookworm clarinet little girl is still in here after all these years and everything that’s happened. My heart feels full. 

Cozy comfort

It’s 8:24am Tuesday morning. The dog is curled up on my lap. She’s the closest I can come to having a cat, as Mike is deathly allergic to cats. I took Bitzi out for a walk and she did her business. She had an accident in Mike’s office during the night. I changed her food yesterday so her digestive system is adjusting. 

After while I have to get ready and go pick up two neighbor ladies and go to lunch. There’s a resurgence of Covid cases so we all need to be extra careful. I’m going to live my life though. I can’t stay hidden inside every single day.

My daughter is going to schedule a C- section as the baby is still in breech position. I want to help as much as I’m able. Her boys are 4,9 and 11 and a C- section is a different recovery than vaginal delivery. I just wish the baby would get here and both mom and baby are fine. I had all 4 of my babies the regular way. 

I’ve bought some closet & pantry organizers this past week and they’ve kind of lifted my spirits. There’s more rearranging to do in the cabinets and  I took a load of stuff to Goodwill yesterday to help thin things out. 

In the name of getting more fresh air and exercise I’ve reserved camp sites for 3 different dates in June & July. Two are at Rock Cut State Park and one is at BigFoot Beach state park in Wisconsin. I bought a big nice new tent last year that we never used. I also want to go down to Shawnee National Forest for a couple nights in May but stay in a motel and just hike and check out the area as we’ve never been there. I composed a list of things I want to do this year.Carpe Diem! 

Exhilarated

10:25am Saturday 1/8/22

I’m continuing to feel better and it’s such a joy and relief. I’m so grateful. I am noticing more energy and better clearer breathing. They seem like such simple things unless you don’t have them.

I made a waffle sandwich and coffee for breakfast. I did a bunch of floor stretches while playing with the dog on the living room carpet and then took her outside for a walk. It’s pretty painfully cold out there. Thankfully I have a super warm long quilted maxi coat I bought a couple years ago and it comes in handy a few days each winter.

We’re going to go out to a couple stores and to visit Mike’s mom before the sleet starts in a few hours. 

Faith

9:36 am

I just learned yesterday that my daughter Sarah’s baby is in breech position. She’s supposed to be 37 weeks gestation so the baby most likely won’t rotate to normal position now. She waiting until Monday and then scheduling a C- section. She was somewhat rattled by the news. She doesn’t need another complication. I’m sure it will all go fine but just another thing to think and worry about. 

I spoke to my oldest daughter for a long time yesterday and had no idea just how unhappy she is and all that she’s been going through. I have to remain healthy and strong and fierce for my tribe. Nothing else matters.