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Tuesday, June 30

Goodbye, June

I’ve been up since around 2am. For some reason I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m sure I’ll hate myself later and need a nap. I’m in a weird frame of mind lately. There’s so much going on and so much to process. Things are starting to open up now and we need to still remain careful and safe. The virus isn’t over yet but a lot of people are acting like it’s gone. 
Mike got up to go to the bathroom a couple hours ago and was stunned to see me out here drinking coffee before sunrise. He’s back in bed asleep now. I fell asleep on the couch pretty early last night and stumbled to bed around nine. 

I hear a train whistle in the distance and birds singing in back of our yard through the screen door. It rained and stormed quite a bit last night. The grass is pretty wet this morning. I’m having my third cup of coffee. Lately I’ve only been having one or two. The puppy is sitting on my lap and her stomach keeps making squishy gurgling noises. I sure hope she doesn’t have an upset stomach. She never seems to want to eat in the morning and feeds later in the day. 

I’ve been kind of looking for a new job but kind of not. I’m not sure. I think I’ll put that off for another month or ten. I just feel kind of empty right now, like I don’t have the motivation for anything new. I need to float in a sensory deprivation pool. I’m kind of hurting but not sure why. Weird.

Sunday, June 28

Sunrise golf

5:22am Mike just left to drive to East Dundee to play golf at the Bonnie Dundee course with two friends. He didn’t seem very perky or alert. Usually he’s not much of a morning person. With the heat and humidity like it’s been I can understand going so early. 

The puppy is quiet in her crate but she hasn’t been outside yet. It’s even too early for her. I’ll take her out in a while. I’ll have to cover myself in mosquito spray before I step outside. My left knee is aching again so I put my brace on it. I’ve gone without if four days now. I was just having a little pain during the night so figured I’d better use it. 

I’ve gotten the second bedroom all clean out of most of the furniture and vacuumed. It’s a bare palate now. I’m putting the sofa sleeper from the sitting room in there and a small dresser and a table and chair to serve as a desk / work space. 

Friday, June 26

Phase Four

7:23am. It’s overcast and lightly, gently raining. I can hear the marsh birds twittering away through the back screen door and the puppy gnawing away at her chew bone and squeaking her pink ball. The landscapers just now arrived and I can hear their mowers whirring in the back yard. The other day we gave  them the full size bed, headboard & sheets and comforter set from our spare room. It’s a small room because I’m redecorating the room in to a more usable space with a small desk. I’ll have inflatable beds for when the kids come.  I found an extra sheet for that bed after they left the other day so just took it out to them with a couple Gatorades. 
Yesterday I went through all the old pictures that were in the spare room and took all the pictures out of all the frames. I’m giving all the frames to Goodwill and sealing all the pictures in a huge ziplock bag. I always start crying when I go through old pictures so I tend to avoid it and put it off. I have a while bunch more pictures in frames in two drawers in my bedroom to go through today. We only have so much wall space in this house. 
Mike is at physical therapy. The landscapers are gone already. It doesn’t take them long for our small yard.
We just found out that Mikes son Casey and his wife Jackie are expecting a baby. That will be number nine for us!

8:41 Mike is home from PT. He has two more weeks to go. I’m going to go start taking the pictures out of frames from the bedroom drawers. I hope I don’t start crying again.  It’s a pretty gloomy day with more rain and storms coming. 

9:27 I’m done with the pictures and took the empty frames to the garage to load in the back of the Tahoe and take to Goodwill. I didn’t look at the pictures too much because I didn’t want to get into that funk about the past. I just took them out of the frames and put them in the big bag with the others. It’s really dark and pouring rain now. Today starts Phase Four of reopening ILlinois so more things will be open. There will be modified indoor seating at restaurants.

11:36 I’m back from Aldi and Goodwill. I got a new thermal zip tote bag at Aldi. I have a tote bag addiction! It was pouring monsoon-like rain when I left Aldi. Fortunately I had my umbrella. I donated over forty picture frames to Goodwill, some of them new or like new. It feels so good to clear things out!

2:40 I’ve been out and taken a couple good walks with Bitzi this afternoon. Now she’s passed out on the rug. It’s starting to rain hard and thunder again. 

Thursday, June 25

Chewing the bone

6:48 am The puppy is fourteen weeks old now and consumed with chewing. She pulled the bath towel off the top of her crate that we use to cover it at night. Now she’s in delight chewing and tugging the thick towel. She has a rawhide teething ring and several other things to chew on but she wants to always find something new to chew on. She doesn’t really like to eat when she first gets up. The vet still thinks she’s too skinny. I just gave her a chopped up hard boiled egg in her dry food.

I need to go out to the garden and use the hoe to weed more and plant two cucumber plants and an eggplant. The longer I wait the hotter it gets. I’m lazy....

Monday, June 22

Easing into a new life phase

8:33am Monday June 22, 2020

It’s getting ready to rain and storm soon. The sky is overcast and the temperature is unusually cool. The birds are singing outside. I can hear them through the back screen door. It’s a very tranquil soothing sound. The puppy is passed out on the area rug at my feet here in the front sitting room, worn out from her morning of walks and play. She has a vet appointment tomorrow for puppy shots. Mike is at physical therapy and will be back shortly and get to work. I’m going to try to get him to move his laptop and work stuff to the kitchen table so I can get in that office and purge my school stuff I no longer need.

8:57.    I just took his laptop, papers, pens and stuff and put them on the kitchen table as we discussed yesterday. He just came through the garage door into the laundry room, glanced in the office and yelled “ Whoa! Where’d all my stuff go?” Uh, hello.....
All my crazy accumulated teaching stuff is going to take some time to sort through. Trying to move forward into my next chapter. I’ve applied for a few jobs but so far nothing is right yet. I want the job to be something here in Huntley that’s easy and no stress or drama. I’m either under or over qualified for most things that fit my criteria. I may just start my own fabulous little business. There are lots of options I’m exploring.
My ex starts his chemo tomorrow. From what my kids say his condition is really bad and the situation is grim, this is effecting my kids and the dynamic between them.

9:28 I just went out to the big side yard flower bed ( we just put in last year after we moved) and pulled a bunch of grass and weeds and I took my slippers and chopped out a bunch of tiny tree suckers coming up from the tree by the street. Since our house is on a corner the front ( East) and side ( north) are visible to everyone driving by. Many people have commented on my new flower bed. Everyone here in Sun City keeps their yards very nice. 

Saturday, June 20



I’ve been awake for a while so just got up. I took Bitzi out to pee and now I’m drinking my coffee while she chews her chicken chew ring on the floor. In a few minutes I’m going out to my garden plot to hoe weeds. The air is thick outside already and there was an air pollution warning for the Chicago area. Mike is still sleeping. I haven’t been sleeping as well the last few nights as I had been in previous weeks. 

Thursday, June 18

Rip snorting

7:14 am.  I’m awake and still foggy headed. I’m sitting here drinking my coffee. Mike is bustling around in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. The landscapers came today - normally they come on Friday. It took them under fifteen minutes to buzz the yard and vanish. I’m taking the boys back today - meeting Sarah in Lacon. They started getting homesick yesterday and asked if they could go home a day early. I’m tired. I got too much sun on my arms and back while working in the yard yesterday. I had put sunscreen on in the morning but didn’t reapply it in the afternoon. I’m planning to leave here with the boys by 8:30 and I’m taking the puppy along so I’ll have to stop to let her out to drink & play. 

Wednesday, June 17

Early bird special

6:00 I woke up really early this morning for some reason and got a few things done. I took Bitzi out and now she’s having playtime with her squeaky bone and chew rag and chicken chew ring. She’s been getting pretty cranked up and wild lately. She gets really excited with the kids.Im taking the boys to Lake Geneva public beach later this morning. We’ll go for a while as long as it’s safe and they keep their distance. It’s a nice clean pretty big beach with lifeguard and ropes for the kids. My knee is still bothering me so I don’t know how fun I will be. I’ll probably just sit there watching and trying to not get sunburned. 

I have laundry in the dryer, put the dishwasher stuff away, reloaded it, gathered the trash and recycling. I’m going outside to water in a minute. The two old geezers who live in the house beside us have nothing to do but sit around looking for every tiny little thing they can find to complain to me about. Because they’re ancient dinosaurs I just clench my teeth and nod and walk away. They made some comment about my dropping hostas I transplanted by the mailbox. 

7:03 The boys are awake now. Mike just left for physical therapy. When he gets back he’s going to take my car and fill it with gas. I went out front and watered and transplanted some lilies to the mailbox. I’m hoping today goes smoothly. 
7:41 just discovered the boys didn’t bring swimming trunks. The said they can swim in their shorts but I don’t want to risk the shorts fall down or off in the water. We’ll be running in Walmart. I’ve got to beach bags packed and ready to go. 

1:55 We’re back home from the beach. I made quesadillas for lunch and am doing two loads of laundry. The boys are lying in their room playing on their tablets. We only stayed at the beach about ninety minutes but it was starting to get crowded so we left. I told the boys to keep their distance from people and we weren’t staying long.

Tuesday, June 16

Sitting by the lake with an ice pack on my left knee


This morning I took the boys fishing again. Due to my knee issue I didn’t climb down the rocky bank and cast a rod out. I sat in a chair on the hill above where they were fishing with an ice pack and ace bandage on my knee. Something inside my knee snapped with each step as I carried my folding chair to the shade. It’s better than it was two weeks ago with only occasional mild pain. I’m figuring it will heal itself like it always does. This all started in 82 just before I had Samantha. 

After fishing we came home and cleaned up and then went to Costco in Lake In The Hills. Then we came home and the boys helped me chop up stuff and peel shrimp for jambalaya. The base of it is simmering on the stove now. I didn’t make it as spicy as I normally do because of the boys. Tomorrow I’m teaching the boys to the Lake Geneva public beach when they first open at 9. OR maybe we’ll go to the beach, stake out a spot and put our stuff down and then go to my favorite nail place and I get a pedicure and then we go back  to the beach an hour or so later when the water is a little warmer. is warmer. We’ll stay for an hour or two unless it starts getting too crowded. They have been very good about wearing their masks, using hand sanitizer and keeping their distance from people. I’m taking them home Friday morning and meeting Sarah in Lacon. I’m tired. After dinner I have to go water the front, back and both sides of the yard then drive out to the garden and water. The boys want to go fishing again tonight. I’m tired. 

Monday, June 15

Walking on eggshells with people


I’m taking the boys up to Lake Geneva for a little while. It’s like trying to move a herd of cats up a mountain of yarn.

3:00 pm.  We went up to Lake Geneva and walked around for about ninety minutes. The boys got sunglasses and a cream puff. We came home and the took the puppy out. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and soup for lunch. I’m doing laundry now. I let both boys order an item on on my iPad. I’m doing laundry now. I’m making fish tacos for dinner and then we’re going to a Forest preserve. I’m tired. Mike was grouchy again this morning but fine when we came back from Lake Geneva. I’m just so tired of everyone.

Sunday, June 14

Flowers in a vase

2:50pm Sunday 

Michael is watching golf / sleeping / snoring on the living room couch. He’s been back in the office most of the day paying bills and doing work stuff. Yesterday while I was gone he went over to his daughter Shannon’s in Arlington Heights to see the baby ( Jackson) who is 3 months old now. Mikes mother, son and daughter-in-law were there too. I missed it because I was driving the girls home and bringing the boys back.

I took the boys and the puppy to the garden this morning early then we went to Walmart and then fishing at the lake here in Sun City. We didn’t catch anything and are going back later switching worms for chicken liver as bait. Then we’re going to build a fire in the fire pit and make s’mores. It seems like Mike is too tired or too busy to do anything with me anymore but he has time for golf and his family. I’m pretty fed up and tired but it sure doesn’t do any good to say anything as he flies into a rage and gets all self defensive. He doesn’t ever want to do anything or plan anything. I just feel like I do everything myself. I’ve had a couple new neighbors asked me if I’m a widow as I’m the only one they ever see out in the yard or walking. I’m frustrated but there’s nothing I can do. There are too many other things and people to worry about. 

The boys are stashed away in the spare bedroom playing games on their tablets. Bitzi is sleeping in her crate, drying off after I gave her a bath and trimmed her face hair.
I went outside and pulled up a few perennials and transplanted them then picked flowers and brought them inside and put them in a vase of water. The two flower bouquets I got for retirement were drooping so I threw them away this morning. 

4:01pm. I went out back to water my flowers. My 7 year old grandson Oscar came out and asked me if he could take Bitzi outside on the leash. I said “okay be careful with her” and kept watering. About ten minutes later I came in and heard the laundry room door slam ( it happens all the times. There’s an air vacuum when you open the door going to the garage.) It was Oscar who accidentally did it. He’s seven. Mike, still comatose flopped on the couch yells “ GOD DAMN IT!” I said you’ve done that yourself many times. He said that’s third time he’s done it. I just went out in front to water grumbling to myself that he’s a fucking grouchass ogre. We’ll see when his daughters baby Jackson gets a little older and I yell and cuss at him. Jesus H. I do not need this shit. 

I’ve stopped reading / watching the news as much as I had been. I just can’t take it any more.I’ve gotten off Facebook and other social media for now.  ( I do like to watch animal videos on TikTok though) I’m tired of the bullshit and drama. I just want to tend my flowers and puppy, love my grandkids and avoid crap. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

6:46. Now Mike’s trying to be extra nice and play with the boys and took them to get McDonalds’. I’m still ticked about the way he’s acted all day and he knows it. Of course he’ll never admit he was wrong or apologize.Ever. 

8:18 Mike went out to the garden with the boys and me and helped fill up the ground and weeds ( for the first time ever) then helped the boys get their bath once we got home and then made us all a s’more. .......

Sarah said her dad is so weak now he’s using a walker. She said she feels like she’s watching him die. He’s got his port in but still not sure when the chemo is starting. I feel so sorry for what Sarah is going through with her father. I gave her chicken and dumplings and a crocheted blanket to give him. She said he barely eats. Despite everything that happened I never wished anything like this on him.

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