The situation with Mike’s mother has gotten much worse. I don’t know how she is hanging on and still alive. When we went over there Monday the situation was so grim. She can’t use the left side of her body. She can’t lift her head. She can barely speak a whispery word or two. Her face is all sunken in. She looks way worse than my mother did when she died. It brings back all these horrible memories for me. Annette is in no pain at all. I couldn’t go over there yesterday. Mike went without me. I pray she passes over soon. It’s so terribly sad. It’s like some huge death cloud hanging over.
Wednesday, November 29
It’s 7:18am on Wednesday. Wednesday is trash day. We’ve gathered all the trash and recycling and taken the cans out to the curb. I’m drinking hot chocolate. Later today I’m supposed to go to a neighbor ladies lunch. I don’t feel like going.
Saturday, March 25
The wet fluffy snow looks beautiful and magical, clinging in to the tree branches I see through the window. . I had a wonderful sleep last night after getting up early all week. It’s nice to have a couple days now when I have nothing I have to do. Time to recharge.
I was supposed to go to Lola’s soccer game in Canton this morning but the weather didn’t cooperate. The drive might have been okay but I didn’t want to chance it. They canceled this morning anyway. I’m going down there for a few days in two weeks. That will have to do for family visits. There are birthdays and Easter coming up. I have to go get cards today for those occasions. Milo is turning 13, Sarah 35, Hennessy 9 plus all 12 grandkids will get Easter cards with money. Money instead of candy or stuffed toys, of course.
There are quite a few things to be tended to. I’ll get stared later. I need to return an email but I need to reread it a couple times and chew on it awhile before responding. I need to confirm some dates and update our neighborhood calendar. I’m involved in too many groups and am taking a break from one for a couple months. An introvert, I get overloaded and overly stimulated and have to slink back into my cave for a while and recharge. I’m 63 now and I get sick of peoples’ bullshit. Pretentious people and pushy control freaks are the worse for me. It’s hard to bite my tongue so I mostly tend to sidestep and avoid those types.
I had planned to paint my bathroom cabinet some new perky color when spring came but then decided to just clean it really well, get new hardware. Sand it really good and apply clear poly coat. . My bathroom has been cleared out and in limbo the last week as I’ve been going to work every day and couldn’t get to it. Finally this morning I sanded again for the third time, wiped everything down really well and applied the first clear coat. I’ll let it dry and apply another tomorrow. Hopefully by Monday I can put stuff back and have my bathroom back in order.
I did two loads of laundry, cooked breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen, washed down all the plantation blinds in our bedroom and gave Bitzi her medicine. She’s having gut problems again for some reason. I thought she was better but during the night she had to go out a couple times and even had an accident in the laundry room on the rug.
Mike is spending more and more time helping and dealing with his mom as she struggles with depression, anxiety, her cancer and increasing dementia and forgetfulness. Now that Mike is retired that’s his job- trying to take care of her. At least he has his sister and two brothers and they all get along. That makes it a bit better.
I’ve been subbing again the last couple weeks. I also am a neighborhood rep and schedule and organize frequent events. I’m also the vice chair of our lifelong learning lectures committee. I help locate and schedule the speakers our community hosts every Friday. I’m also in our community concert band, chorus and garden club and a couple sub committees too. Our community is a 55+ active adult community of around 10,000 with a larger community of approximately 35,000. I’m around a lot of old people these days in our community at the various functions. Most ,but not all, are older than me. Many are pretty conservative, religious and stodgy. I sometimes encounter residents who seem to think they are entitled to behave poorly and rudely due to their wealth, age or the number of years they’ve been living here. I’ve noticed a lot of the older people keep to the little cliches and aren’t very friendly. When the neighborhood women meet for lunch or dinner the topic is usually aches, pains, surgeries or medications. I try to avoid talking religion, politics are using my normal salty language. I’m not sure what the men talk about. It appears to me there’s a lot of rambling on and on.
Friday, February 17
Happy Friday. I’m going to the pool in a bit. The Sun is shining and melting the snow from yesterday.
Now I’m back from the pool. I worked out with the foam dumbbells and did a bunch of leg lifts and ab crunches. I soaked in the hot tub for a while, steamed in the sauna and took a nice long shower. I feel good.
Tuesday, February 14
It’s early afternoon. I had a neighbor ladies’ group breakfast this morning at a nearby cafe. It was a nice time. It’s chillier out today, overcast and starting to rain. Being February I can’t really complain. I sill am feeling symptoms of the cold I’ve had for two weeks.
Saturday, January 28
Good morning. I’ve been awake for around an hour. I’ve read the morning papers, emails and social media feeds. I’ve saved a couple goji berry recipes to try and I’m finishing my coffee. Last night was a really good long sleep. I went to bed early. Yesterday I worked out in the pool and then in the evening used my exercise ball for a long time. This morning my muscles are reminding me they weren’t used to working like that.
This morning later I’m meeting a retired teacher friend for breakfast. We haven’t met to talk since November so there’ll be some good catching up. After that I have to walk my dog then go to the gym to work out. I have a new book I’ve started and I have music practice to do. Tomorrow we’re going to Aiden’s second birthday party in the afternoon so that should be nice.
I need to get going and tidy up around here, get dressed and take Bitzi out to pee. She’s curled up next to me on the couch keeping me warm and seems content for now. I love the snowy views out the windows. I love when things get magically coated with white, especially the trees. There is something noble about winer to me.
Yesterday in the pool I briefly floated on my back looking up at the skylights and it was wonderful and spiritual and I felt blessed to be alive. I had the tingly spiritual experience and a warm light washed over me. I hadn’t been to the pool in many weeks. I need to go more frequently. Obviously it has some intense recharging effect on me. Just keep swimming…
Last night I went to bed early because I was mad at Mike and thought he was being a mean grouch ass. It does me no good to try to challenge him or reason with him. He is always right. He always ping pongs my words back at me. The best strategy is always just to go silent and remove myself from the situation. I know he’s dealing with a lot with his mothers cancer now being untreatable. I get it. But I will not be talked to like that by anyone for any reason. What you allow will continue. Silence is often the best response. Silence says so much more than words most times.
Monday, January 23
It’s morning coffee time. In a few minutes I’ll go get dressed, take the dog out to pee and go to cardiac rehab at the hospital campus. I only have four days this week and I’m done completely on Thursday. Friday I’m subbing after having taken a break since early September. After I get back home from rehab I’m riding along with Michael to go to St.Charles and take his mom to Bloomingdale for her CT scan and brain MRI. The doctor had stopped her chemo weeks ago as her cancer had progressed. The only option left is stronger chemo and she is already depressed, angry, exhausted and has increasing bouts of memory loss. Mike is her power of attorney and the situation has been really draining on him. He is just recently over Covid and I can tell he’s still very tired from it. So I’m going along to help support them both. I’d better get going. More later.
4:20. We’ve been home for a while and I took Bitzi for a brisk walk around the lagoon just now. We got the results of Mike’s mom’s scans she had this morning. The news isn’t good. The cancer in her lung and brain are growing. Mike and his mom have a phone appointment with her oncologist Wednesday morning to talk about it. Mike has been trying to reach his siblings to talk about this. I feel bad for all of them. I’ve been through it with my mom and myself and is just awful. I can’t even imagine how on earth I’m still alive. I’ve always known there are angels watching over and helping me. No kidding. I just hope there are angels for Annette too.
I’m reading this book now. It’s pretty good. It actually makes a lot of sense if you can get past the adolescent humor and redundancy. Basically a good read.
After the scans and taking Annette home we stopped at Portillo in Elgin for lunch. I know I sound like some old dried up codger but I cannot believe how expensive everything is now. It’s crazy! I brought most of my Italian beef home. It will be good tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 17
The dog is crunching and slurping her food in the kitchen that I just gave her. I’m in the living room drinking hot chocolate by mistake. I grabbed the wrong pod. Mike is asleep in our bedroom. Is 6:18. He was feeling worse yesterday. I hope he got some good sleep. I stayed in the living room all night and I was coughing quite a lot. As far as I know I’m still Covid negative. I just normally cough a lot. Yesterday was a very quiet blah day. I’m assuming today will be the same. Mike talked to his mom twice on he phone yesterday. She’s getting worse with her dementia and moods and memory. She admitted to Mike that she stopped taking her antidepressants months ago ( no surprise).
Saturday, January 7
The morning is a typical cloudy cold January day. I just opened all the window shades the reveal the bleak, milky sky. It’s the lack of Sun that gets me the most from January through March. I can take the cold and snow but I need sunshine. Mike and I are both sick although I’m at the end of my cold and he’s at the beginning. Both of us have sore noses and chapped faces from blowing our noses and wiping them so much. We both managed to get some sleep last night. We stayed up last night watching the clown show of electing a speaker of the house. When I finally went to bed they finally voted for the fifteenth time and elected Trump puppet McCarthy. I’m so disheartened at all the crazies in this world but then I guess I’m one too. It’s all a matter of your opinion and perspective.