Wednesday, July 21
Thursday, July 15
I’ve been up for a couple hours. I can’t shut my brain down and go back to sleep. Mike and Hennessy and Bitzi are sleeping.
Mike’s mom is home from the hospital and Mike’s sister Nancy stayed with her last night and the night before. All her hospital tests came back normal. Her vitals were fine. I don’t know if her symptoms were brought on by acute depression and anxiety or what. In the last couple days she has told people “ I think I’m going to die today.” Everyone is worried and frustrated. We were going to go see her last night but there were other relatives there and she was exhausted. I think she’s starved for attention and shouldn’t be living alone but she’s not my mother. One of the two neighbor ladies who rode with me and Hennessy Tuesday to Lake Geneva has memory loss and seemingly beginning dementia. I didn’t really know her very well when she asked if she could ride with me. I’ve chatted very briefly with her at our monthly neighbor ladies lunches. But her sitting next to me in the front seat for 30 minutes up there and back made it clear she has significant memory issues. She kept asking me the same questions over and over and saying other oddball things. Then we walked around to a couple stores together before the lunch cruise. I’ve had significant brain issues in the past due to my brain lymphoma. This stuff lately is just scary and has stirred up a bunch of anxiety and fear in me. I tell myself everything happens for a reason. It’s supposed to thunderstorm all day today.
In a few weeks Mike and I will have been married 22 years and together for 24 years. We’ve gone through a lot of hard times and stress, illness and drama. He says I’m grouchy all the time and never smile. I think exactly the same about him. I guess I’ve allowed life to grind me down. I feel ground down. This last year has been awful with all the family drama and worry. I feel like Mike and I never have any fun anymore. We’re just tending our duties and going through the motions like coworkers.
My daughter Sarah left her husband last October. Good riddance - never liked him anyway. Her ex is being a real total asshole and isn’t giving her any child support. It’s been enough of a heartache for her losing her dad and the screwed up will and LLC. Will all this crap EVER end?
Tomorrow morning at 8:30 neighbors ( about 8 of them) are coming here to meet for the third time planning our annual neighborhood picnic in August. We have 114 people coming to the picnic. People have been dropping checks in a box on my front porch for a month. Next summer when my 2 years are up being a neighborhood rep I’m not doing it again. Too much bullshit to put up with for no pay.
Sunday, July 11
Friday, July 9
7:46 I’m leaving to drive to Lewistown shortly. It’s another hazy gloomy day. We got the big heavy dresser from Annette’s house loaded in my car and then unloaded here at home and brought in our bedroom. Earlier yesterday afternoon while I went for my massage and chiro appointment, Mike drove over there and got the 2 nightstands and all the dresser drawers so last night we were just hauling the dresser frame. It still was super heavy. When I was younger and my kids were little I used to have to lift, carry and mover everything myself so I’m used to it. I got used to manipulating heavy items by myself. Mikes mother insisted on getting in the way last night and trying to help. She is and always has been a very bossy woman and won’t listen to anyone. She will never change. Her family is so used to her browbeating and mostly just let her have her way. It’s pretty ridiculous coming from that tiny shriveled up old lady. Jesus just step back and let us do it. She was making things WAY worse. Sometimes the past many months her bossiness and craziness is just too much for me. It’s getting worse. For some reason she went out and bought a bunch of new furniture so now she’s getting rid of a bunch of good stuff. We are paying her for the things we’re getting. She claims she won’t take the money but we know she will. She always does. She’s always been a big spender and a gambler.
Tuesday, July 6
The whoosh of the air conditioner and the ceiling fans whirring is the noise in the background as I peck this out on my IPad while finishing my second coffee. I’m feeling better and able to drink coffee again. My bag is packed. Bitzi’s bag of stuff to take to the kennel is packed. I’ve been depressed and crying a bit the last few days. I keep getting these rising waves of emotion over all the stuff that has happened. I know- the past IS the past. I should be - I AM- grateful for my blessings. That doesn’t erase anything or wipe out your hard drive of memories. I’ll try to quit feeling suck-y. I’m just too fucking sensitive, obviously.
Friday, July 2
This morning I took the opportunity to sleep in until after 7. Compared to recent nights I slept pretty well with less than constant coughing. This stuff I get is exhausting, depressing and so completely gross with all the mucous. Until going back in to the schools after I retired, I was somewhat healthy and free of the mucous monster. The money has been good but not so much to be worth my compromised health. I’m doing laundry ( a lot of gross hack towels and sweaty clothes) and I deep cleaned my bathroom and all the surfaces after taking a nice long steamy shower.
I didn’t have a fever all day yesterday and felt better by 2:15 when I had my doctor video visit. He prescribed an antibiotic and I’ve gotten 3 of them in so far. I feel much improved and even took Bitzi on a 1- mile walk around the neighborhood. I’ve been so congested and out of breath lately so have only been taking her up the hill at the park across the street.
I have to go to Goodwill to drop off some stuff and run in Aldi’s and get some more sugar to make hummingbird nectar and some salad mixes and a chicken to roast. I have hardly cooked much at all the past couple months what with working and neighborhood rep functions. Next Friday I’m going down to Canton / Lewistown area to visit my family and see the new baby Oliver. I should feel better and be germ free by then. I’m going to get my handicapped sister Vicki and take her out to lunch in Peoria on my way home.
Next Tuesday through Thursday Mike and I and his son Casey and wife Jackie and their 4- month old son Aiden are going to the resort in Lake Geneva and staying in a 2-bedroom condo unit. We’ll swim, go shopping, go out to eat. I told them I would watch Aiden if they want to go do something. Mike and I now have 7 grandsons and 2 granddaughters from our combined kids. His daughter is expecting another boy in November!
Wednesday, May 19
It’s 5:40. In a bit I have to pack my lunch and go get ready to leave. I’m still congested and woke up earlier feeling like the right side of my throat feels sore just a little. I don’t know what is going on now. I have band practice after work today. I practiced a little a couple times but haven’t nailed the stuff yet. I haven’t really fully accepted playing alto sax yet. My sax is a really heavy old Bundy too.
Last night was our Sun City neighborhood #3 “ Ladies’ Night Out” that I organized. There were about 30 of us seated at 3 tables for dinner and drinks. It was pretty fun but I was tired.
I’m having close neighbors over for a “ drinks on the driveway” gathering here at home on Friday the 28th.
I’m rethinking taking the June summer program teaching job. It’s good money and appealing but I’m feeling tired. This current job would end and then I’d go right into the next one for a month. The June job is special needs preschoolers 4 days a week and 7am-noon those days. Preschoolers can be exhausting though. I haven’t accepted it yet.
It’s Saturday. I just got up, opened the window shades, made myself a cup of bold-roast coffee with French vanilla cream, sat down and Bitzi...
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6:17am For some reason I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. It’s chilly in the house and I have a blanket on my lap. Still cold. I just ...