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Showing posts with label angst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angst. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 27

Moving slowly

It’s midmorning Wednesday. I slept late and still am feeling slow. Yesterday afternoon I started feeling sick at my stomach and between 2-10 had about thirty bathroom trips. I’m not sure what caused it ( maybe these new keto capsules I just started taking) but it was pretty awful. I will be throwing those capsules in the garbage. I feel like a limp dishrag today.I canceled my fitness appointment yesterday and my pool appointment today. I’m going to give it a rest. 

Yesterday afternoon my ex called me and talked for a really long time about his cancer treatment and our kids and grandkids. I’m sure we haven’t talked like that since the mid eighties. It felt pretty surreal. It’s weird how things evolve.

I’m going to go to Kohls and Aldi in a bit and that will be my big accomplishment for the day. 


4:57 pm
It’s almost 5pm and still light out so that’s progress! I am still feeling pretty blah and weak today although I’m not running to the bathroom like yesterday. My muscles burn and ache and I’m just taking it easy. 


Aiden Michael Smith was born at 2:45 today. My stepson Casey & his wife Jackie's baby. Mother & baby doing fine. This makes 8 for us. 

My youngest son Alex and his Cassie are expecting a baby in July.

Thursday, July 30

Rise Up

I’m listening to Billy Joel River of Dreams on my big Bluetooth speaker. Bitzi is in her pen in the kitchen biting her squeakie toy and rattling around. I just had her outside with me picking a bouquet of flowers. She’s been outside with me many times today. She’s lost a few of her front baby teeth and is closing in on five pounds. 
Mike is back in his office. His company offered another round of buyouts but also is probably going to have to just lay people off. I tried as tactfully as I could to get him to consider taking the buyout but no....

I’m supposed to go swim at 3:45 but am feeling kind of too tired. Tomorrow I’m driving to Lacon and bringing home four of my grandchildren to stay ten days. Two granddaughters, two grandsons. Six, eight, ten, thirteen. I’m going to have to come up with ideas to keep them busy. Mike has to work....

I have to go to a dermatology center in the morning for a skin scan ( it’s been a few years. My mother died of melanoma...) and then come home, get Bitzi, drive to Lacon, get the kids and come home. 

Now Blood, Sweat and Tears’ You Make Me So Very Happy is on. I’m playing an old playlist I created on Amazon Prime Music a couple years ago. 

My handicapped sister Vicki is back in the hospital in Peoria for the third time in a month. Today they’re finally doing an upper GI scope to try to figure out what going on. My other sister was exposed to Covid and is quarantining until her test results come back. 

I'm going to go ahead and swim for a while. Maybe it will perk me up a bit. Maybe I'll have a cup of coffee when I get home. 

I worked really hard in the pool with tons of legs lifts, jogging, pumping my arms, stretches, flexes, push-always ( push ups) on the wall. Really brisk good workout. When I got home I took Bitzi out to pee and reclined in my anti gravity lounge chair and watched  the neighbors across the street and allowed my swimsuit under my Hawaiian dress to dry in the breeze. Then I went to take the tote bags out of the backseat in my car ( preparing to transport the kids tomorrow and discovered the boys had spilled a bunch of puppy kibble in the third row seat floor a few weeks ago so it took a while for me to squish back there and get that and I also discovered the lost pink leash, a puppy chew chicken teething ring AND the seat belt for the middle of the second row that I’ve never been un able to locate since I bought the car last fall!

Mike’s boss just told him when I was gone swimming that with the people taking the buyouts the company is still going to have to let a few people go but Mike and all his sports staff people should be safe. But they may need a couple sports people to cover other things besides sports so Mike was SO relieved to hear that none of his people are being cut. His boss did say, however, that he is not the absolute final decision maker so there’s still a slight danger. Mike wants to work a few more years and loves his job. I hate to see him fret about this stuff.

We got an estimate for luxury vinyl plank flooring through our entryway, dining room, living room and kitchen to go over the ceramic tile and linoleum and take out the 21 year old living room cream colored carpet. I’m so excited! And we’re going to update the kitchen! 

Thursday, April 30

Frogs in the distance

10:58am  I’ve been up since 6. I went for a long walk clear down Oak Grove to Cold Springs drive and back on the other side of the street then walked the winding path up the hill in the park across the street from our house. It was chilly, windy and damp out and I had the hood up on my hoodie and tied close around my face so the wind was tolerable. I didn’t see anyone at all out except for at the end when I was going up the steep incline of the hill this jock guy whizzed past me speed walking and then passed me again as he was coming back down. The path makes a loop at the top and there’s a nice sitting bench on the top, in the middle and at the bottom. Moving here to this house with a much smaller yard I’m glad for the park with all the beautiful mature oak trees, flowers and benches right across the street. I call it “goat mountain” and secretly consider it mine. I like to perch at the top on the bench looking down at my kingdom. I chuckle to myself every time I’m up there thinking that. Hey, whatever floats your boat. 

 ike had me cut his hair with his beard trimmer this morning. There isn’t much there to trim but the cuttings did make a little mess on his bathroom sink counter. He used to have thick bushy black hair. Now the hair he does have is mostly gray. I’ve encouraged him to shave it off for a long time but he won’t. 

I can hear the frogs from the marsh behind our yard down the hill chirping and whirring away through our back sliding door. They’re in frog heaven after that heavy rain. 


My youngest daughter Sarah texted me last night that her dad’s colonoscopy biopsy showed a cancerous mass. He’s got to go talk to the doctor Tuesday about surgery and chemo. I feel bad for our kids and grandkids mostly. Gary and I only really started speaking again after 24 years when he was very ill a year ago. He’s been going to some hick doctor in Havana so no wonder it’s taken so long to find out what was wrong. I just feel numb and bacd and it brings back memories of all the stuff from our turbulent 15- year marriage. All the blame was not on him but a lot of it was. I don’t profess to be an angel or without blame. Man, I feel like a car with 350,000 miles on the original engine. This just combines with all the other bad stuff to create the shitstorm tidal wave I felt was coming all through the month of December. I felt it in my gut and deep in my bones. 

12:25pm I just ate a spinach artichoke linguine Lean Cuisine for lunch. I stocked up on a bunch of Lean Cuisines to save cooking and going to the grocery store. Mike refuses to eat them. Yesterday I had a butternut squash and spring vegetables one. Pretty good.

I’m supposed to have three group 5th grade zoom meetings this afternoon. I do not feel at all like doing them. This is all so frustrating. Teaching beginning band students in groups online is like crawling naked over flaming porcupines. I’m sure it’s hard for the students as well. These last few weeks have drug on soooooo slowly like a stoned sloth. Unbearably slow. I HATE this f-Ing bullshit!!!!

I’ve stopped watching the Covid-19 daily press briefings. I’m trying to avoid social media for the most part due to all the batshit crazy things people are posting about politically-fueled conspiracy theories regarding the virus. Please God make it stop! 

The Zoom lessons went okay after all. We’re having meat-free tacos for dinner with yellow rice, refried black beans, diced onions and tomatoes, corn, verde sauce, Mexican cheese, sour cream and Franks hot sauce on flour tortillas. Really good! Tomorrow I’m making pot roast in the crockpot. Last night we got Chicago- style pizza and watched the next to the last episode of Ozark on Netflix. Tonight we’ll watch the last episode of season three. 

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