Very cold this morning

Right now it’s -10 degrees outside. It’s supposed to be super cold all day. I’m feeling very sleep drunk and trying to snap out of it and wake up. Mike got me two bunches of flowers, chocolate and a gigantic card for Valentine’s Day #Valentinesday.  Usually he gets nothing or some lame silly card. After he completely ignored our twentieth anniversary and my sixtieth birthday--- a few months later after it kept eating at me how uncaring and insensitive he was I told him how much his lack of caring hurt me. Now he’s kind of going overboard but it actually seems forced, phony and insincere. I got him nothing. I guess you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t but I’m still hurting. You can’t just erase it like marker on a dry- erase board. It’s still there.

Gotta go get ready for work.

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2:28

I got done at work early due to the valentine parties. I stopped at the store and then came home. It doesn’t seem so cold now. When I got home I made some spaghetti sauce and a yellow cake. Okay I’m trying to be nice for Valentine’s Day.

I’m depressed about the situation with Samantha and also about Annette’s cancer diagnosis. Mike got her oncologist appointment moved up to next Tuesday and he’s going with his mother.  Having been a reporter for years, he asks many great questions at a medical appointments, takes precise notes and has lots of experience being a cancer patient advocate. God knows he’s been through all the crazy bullshit with my cancer crap #cancersurvivor, #cancersucks, #cancerwarrior, #ihatecancer. He has several small wire bound reporters’ notebooks recording all my appointments and test results dating back to 2008.  I’m really glad that he’s going with her to ask questions and record information.

I’m waiting for the two cake layers to cool then I’ll frosting and assemble it. The spaghetti sauce is simmering on low.

Okay the cake is done. It looks good. The sauce is done. I turned it off because I don’t want the bottom to burn. I’ll go clean up the kitchen in a bit. I’ve had a mild sore throat and hoarseness all week. It’s impossible to rest my voice and not speak. I still have some residual congestion in my bronchial tubes and occasional cough but I feel it’s getting better little by little. You have to count your blessings, not your sorrows and have a grateful heart. 

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5:51 I am feeling great heartache over my daughter cutting off the family. I can’t even check on my granddaughters. It just came out of the blue over Christmas. We don't have any idea why in the hell she’s acting this way or what on earth could possibly have happened for her to act this way. It really really hurts and worries me. I try to tell myself that it will all unfold and come out and be okay eventually but that doesn’t help. I’m sick with worry. I hope seeing my younger daughter and the kids tomorrow helps.