Stay young!

Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 23

Start each day as a new beginning

I have put my shield up to protect me from all the negativity and drama. I’m holding my blessings up to radiate and infiltrate others who are lacking. I feel strong, happy and alive.

I went for my pool exercise at 6:30 and then took Bitzi for a walk. I’m going to go to the store in a bit.

12:55 The snow mounds are melting and it’s very sunny outside. My kids are still arguing. There’s just a lot of bitterness, jealousy, betrayal, heartache between the four now. If their father had made the will out differently most of this could have been avoided. It’s a mess and I’m not legally involved but I am emotionally wound up in this, trying not to take sides.

I’ve had Bitzi outside for several walks 

Monday, February 22

Monday 4:56 am

It’s very early morning. I woke up due to Mike snoring and couldn’t get back to sleep. There are so many things to think and worry about. I just read that we’ve reached 500,000 Covid-19 deaths in the US ( Reuters)and Dr. Fauci said the pandemic may continue into 2022(People). Pretty depressing news. No wonder there are so many people with anxiety and depression. This is day two of me trying to snap out of it and get back on track with my eating and exercise. Due to what’s going on with the kids and the funeral Friday I’ll need to keep myself on a short leash emotionally and focus on positives. It may sound weird but that’s my plan. I’m going to the pool this morning early, have shopping to do and will take several walks. Mike is swamped with work and busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest so I can’t depend on him for comfort or to vent to. He’s not very warm and fuzzy like that anyway. He always insists I quit being a wuss. He’s right, of course. 

I’m drinking my coffee, trying to wake up. I’m only eating between noon and 6pm and then limited carbs. My gut feels better on this system. I have more energy and focus. I started getting off track in January a little here and there but then it snowballed and I was eating bullshit again so now am getting back on my better habits. Food is medicine to fuel and heal your body. I am lucky to still be alive. I have to take care of my body the best I can. I cannot let my emotions sabotage my health. I have a crazy amount of sub jobs available to me. Most of the area schools are back to in-person or hybrid learning. There were twenty-four available jobs for today. I’m not accepting any in person sub jobs until two weeks after I’ve had the second vaccine. March 9 would be the earliest date I could have it but I haven’t gotten an email yet to schedule it. Mike got his five days after me and they already set his second vaccine appointment. He got his here at Sun City and got the Pfizer. It got the Moderna through my school district, so still waiting to schedule my second dose. 

Besides the stage four colon cancer, my ex husband also had a couple serious blood clots the doctors were concerned about. One by his heart and one in his leg. Supposedly he’d been doing better with his chemo treatments, gained a bit of weight back, more energy and doing better. The night before he died he fell on the ice when he got home from the sale barn and told his mother and our son he was just tired and wanted to go to bed. The next morning he got up and got dressed to go to the sale barn and just fell over on his bed and died. My son found him a couple hours after he died. I bet one of those clots got him. My kids are all now dealing with all this stuff. He had cattle in Missouri and Nebraska and locally. What a huge mess. You just never know. Life is short and you should never assume you have another day. I need to be as loving, giving, joyful and grateful as I can be every single day for the rest of my life.



Friday, June 26

Phase Four

7:23am. It’s overcast and lightly, gently raining. I can hear the marsh birds twittering away through the back screen door and the puppy gnawing away at her chew bone and squeaking her pink ball. The landscapers just now arrived and I can hear their mowers whirring in the back yard. The other day we gave  them the full size bed, headboard & sheets and comforter set from our spare room. It’s a small room because I’m redecorating the room in to a more usable space with a small desk. I’ll have inflatable beds for when the kids come.  I found an extra sheet for that bed after they left the other day so just took it out to them with a couple Gatorades. 
Yesterday I went through all the old pictures that were in the spare room and took all the pictures out of all the frames. I’m giving all the frames to Goodwill and sealing all the pictures in a huge ziplock bag. I always start crying when I go through old pictures so I tend to avoid it and put it off. I have a while bunch more pictures in frames in two drawers in my bedroom to go through today. We only have so much wall space in this house. 
Mike is at physical therapy. The landscapers are gone already. It doesn’t take them long for our small yard.
We just found out that Mikes son Casey and his wife Jackie are expecting a baby. That will be number nine for us!

8:41 Mike is home from PT. He has two more weeks to go. I’m going to go start taking the pictures out of frames from the bedroom drawers. I hope I don’t start crying again.  It’s a pretty gloomy day with more rain and storms coming. 

9:27 I’m done with the pictures and took the empty frames to the garage to load in the back of the Tahoe and take to Goodwill. I didn’t look at the pictures too much because I didn’t want to get into that funk about the past. I just took them out of the frames and put them in the big bag with the others. It’s really dark and pouring rain now. Today starts Phase Four of reopening ILlinois so more things will be open. There will be modified indoor seating at restaurants.

11:36 I’m back from Aldi and Goodwill. I got a new thermal zip tote bag at Aldi. I have a tote bag addiction! It was pouring monsoon-like rain when I left Aldi. Fortunately I had my umbrella. I donated over forty picture frames to Goodwill, some of them new or like new. It feels so good to clear things out!

2:40 I’ve been out and taken a couple good walks with Bitzi this afternoon. Now she’s passed out on the rug. It’s starting to rain hard and thunder again. 

Friday, June 5


7:39pm Friday   I’m in Lewistown watching my grandsons. The three year old is pretty difficult. I’m exhausted. I have the puppy with me, trying desperately to continue her potty training. It’s hard with the kids, in strange surroundings for the puppy. I forgot to bring her bells she rings when she needs to go out. My daughter Sarah talked to her dads oncologist regarding his biopsy report and prognosis. It’s bad and very grave. His colon cancer has spread to the adrenal glands, lungs and other places. My sons, who work the farm, have been at bitter odds for some time which makes the situation much much worse. Sarah is trying to take care of her dad. He’s very sick and weak. He’s going to get worse quickly. My oldest daughter has been struggling for months. I think a lot of it is her marriage. I’m picking up her girls, my granddaughters, tomorrow and taking them home with me for a week so she can go to Evansville with her husband where he’s working a construction job. It’s a very difficult time for my family. Some of this stuff I can’t talk to my husband about. He tends to be too gruff and inflexible. Life  isn’t a straight line, plainly black and white, right or wrong. Shit happens. Sometimes really bad shit happens... My heart has so many many strings attached to it. Sarah has been sobbing a few times today. I am trying SO HARD to help but still feel helpless. 

Im still really sore from working in the garden. I feel as if I’ve been beaten with hammers. I took a shower but it didnt help. 

Monday, May 18

The Last Dance

11:13am Monday 
  We watched the last episodes of the Michael Jordan documentary The Last Dance last night. It was really well done. I watched a lot of those games during their double three-pear era. My oldest son was crazy about basketball and Jordan was his idol. The program was very enjoyable to watch.

I just got home from Aldi. The store here in Huntley is only about a mile from our house. I wore my mask and gloves and used hand sanitizer when I got back in the car and took my gloves off. Everything in the stores is about as safe as they can make it. I do take precautions but I’m not going to stay hidden in my house 24/7 every day in terror. This is bullshit. I’m being careful I’m just not going to go completely out of my gourd off the deep end like a lot of these freaks. Suck it up buttercup. Darwin had the answers. 

I have my last Zoom lessons this week starting in a little while. I’ll be SO GLAD to be done! 

2:34 time gap between lessons. The first girl for the noon lesson ( whose mother just requested this lesson a few days ago) didn't show up so at 12:14 I ended the meeting. Then in the middle of my 2:00 lesson the girl emails me and tells me she's waiting. I'm not sure if she and her mother thought she could just log on anytime and I'd be sitting there waiting or what. I have two more lessons to go today. Both good studious advanced sixth grade girls, a trumpet and an oboe. I wish they could all be as conscientious and polite as these girls. 

5:43om.     As usual, Mike is still back in the office working. I went ahead and ate. I cooked some hot Italian sausage that needed to be cooked. I charred it all crusty in the iron skillet. I ate some leftover tortellini that was in the fridge.( I’m usually the one who eats the leftovers) but then Mike said he thought it looked good so I made a little more tortellini for him to have with his sausage. I have another loaf of bread rising. Wednesday I have to drive to downtown Elgin to my school district central office to turn in my laptop, charger, school IPad and keyboard case, my door key fob and a French Horn. Someone will come out and escort me into the building. After that I have to drive to South Elgin to an elementary school and bag up a few of my remaining possessions and leave my room key. I have to wear a mask and gloves to both places of course. Next week on the 27th my school email will be deactivated along with my school blog, Google Classroom, YouTube channel and everything else associated with my school email account. Today I reset my school Ipad clean of all my stuff. I’m ready. This is really happening. It feels good and exciting but a little scary and sad. It’s like I’m losing part of my identity and don’t know yet what I’m going to put in it’s place. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions brewing around in there. I’m just going to have to become fabulous in a different way. I have my ruby slippers. 

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