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Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts

Friday, February 12

Things are getting better


I have to make myself flip on the hopeful-grateful-faithful switch a lot these days because my default settings keep going to worry, anxiety, dread and expecting the worst to happen. I have to mentally kick my own ass and tell myself to snap out of it. Yes I’ve had many awful things happen in my life. No that doesn’t mean they’re going to keep happening nor should I dwell on them and let them ruin the rest of my life. I am steering this boat. I decide how I will feel every single day. I decide how I will respond to people, events, situations.

It’s very early morning and I’m going to the pool in a little bit. It helps restore me. I signed up for a  Zoom class on the life of Eleanor Roosevelt from 10-11:30 today. I’ve read that she was a very strong, kind and inspiring woman. Hopefully that will be good and interesting.

Michael has so much going on with his job now with his regular overload plus all the endorsement interview crap that’s been dumped on him I feel really sorry for him. He just zones out at night. While we’re sitting on the couch watching TV at night he’s getting texts from reporters and front pages to approve. There’s no escape. Only he can decide when it’s time to retire. I think he’s waiting for the next buy-out offers to come around but I could be mistaken. 

I took Bitzi to the lodge to walk with hopes of her doing her business but they have covered all the sidewalks with salt and that hurts her little feet. And it’s snowing again! I brought her home and tried to get her to go in the front yard but no luck so finally brought her in, washed the salt off her feet and put her in her pen in the kitchen. I have a fitness appointment after lunch to use the weight machines at Meadowview Lodge.

I’m aggravated at something. I can’t let it get to me. I have my health. I have my family and a small circle of friends. I have enough in my circle. Nothing can rattle me. I am grateful. I am blessed. 

Friday, January 22

Same old same old

4:47 pm

I got up early this morning and went for a 6:30 pool time. I’ve also taken Bitzi for two long walks. Mike is working late tonight, as Hank Aaron died ( among other stories) and he’s the sports editor. Stupid sports. Just games.....

I’m super sore in my leg and butt muscles from the last couple days. Moving is painful. I’ve done some hard workouts in the pool and walked a lot the past few days. I’m sitting on the big living room couch with my feet propped up on the hassock with a blanket on my lap. Bitzi is splayed out on the rug by the back door exhausted from our walks and running in the house to play fetch ( about a hundred times so far...)

Thursday, March 19

Stir Crazy

As I’ve mentioned before , all through the month of December I kept having this feeling that something BIG was coming. That feeling just kept bugging me. It felt like it was something that would be at least partly bad. And now here we are in the world’s current situation.....

I got to talk to my granddaughter yesterday so that makes me feel better.

My stepdaughter is having her baby tomorrow morning. A boy named Jackson, at least 10 pounds.

I went for a walk in the park across the street this morning before it started raining. Now it’s raining, chilly and foggy.














3:04pm    It’s still raining and chilly outside. Mike is hold up in the office working away. 


Wednesday, March 18

Nesting instinct

3:20pm 

It’s a rainy chilly day in sharp contrast to yesterday’s beautiful weather. I’ve only poked my head outside a couple times. Mike has been working quietly in the back office all day. He worked until 12:30am this morning for the election coverage. He did sleep a few hours after that. 

Tuesday, March 10

Still dark

Now that we’ve changed the clocks back to daylight savings time it’s dark in the morning when I get up. Yesterday was a very difficult drive to work in the dark with the rain and headlight glare on the wet pavement. I missed the exit to I-90 so went straight on 47 to 20 East which took much longer. Then I took 20 to 25 south to Bartlett to my school. Very tense drive. Today I don’t have to leave as early and it’s not raining.

I feel like I have this giant weight on me because of Annette’s cancer and because of my daughter cutting us off for 3 months now. No clue, no argument, no conflict. She just stopped talking and communicating around Christmas #familymatters, #familyissues, #cancerfight,#curecancer.

Today after school we have 6th grade band rehearsal ( concert in one week) and then a 90- minute secondary music staff meeting. I know I’ll be dragging. 

My stepson Casey’s new bulldog Eisenhower



My zinnias are growing



Monday, February 24

FN Monday

Pretty bad sore throat this morning. The sky is really gloomy and overcast. There’s a bunch of snow, rain and wind coming tonight and tomorrow.

More later. 





5:02 pm  I went to the dentist after work and got my three fillings done. Now the left side of my face is numb.
At about 12:45 Michael called me and said his mother was having a complete hysterical sobbing breakdown. His Aunt called him and said she was over there and Annette kind of had a nervous breakdown and was sobbing and wailing so much she couldn’t talk and could barely breathe. It’s another week until her PET scan and brain MRI to see if the left lung cancer has spread but she is totally losing it. They called the doctor and her nurse called back and finally got her to calm down. This isn’t good. She shouldn’t be living alone. I’ve said it for a long time but they don’t listen to me.

Saturday, February 22

Self care when you’re feeling stressed

Saturday is usually a good day. You’ve finished the work week, you can sleep in, you don’t have to pack your lunch, you can stay in your pajamas and you can do what you want. I slept until 7:15 this morning which is late for me. I slept really well through the night. As of yesterday I’m feeling more congested in my lungs even though I’ve been taking the antibiotics since Wednesday. Nothing seems to help.

Poached eggs for breakfast egg poacher pan


Yesterday I arranged for one of our friends to give his drum set to one of my students who has been wanting one for a long time. Mike and I are going to get pick it up in the morning and then deliver it to the boy. The mom said her boy is super excited to get it. I’m happy it will work out. I have some computer school work to do today that will take an hour or so. I ought to get that done before I get sidetracked to other things.

Later this evening I’m going to take a nice long bath and scrape my feet and exfoliate my skin and give myself a facial and hair conditioning treatment #selfcare, #beautyspa, #selfcare, #healing, #watertherapy. In my bathroom I have plants, Buddha pictures and figures and an essential oil diffuser. I try to relax in my tub and let go of all the shit that’s bugging me #spa, #spatherapy, #zen. That’s better than any medicine or talk therapy.

Best wrinkle Serum 

 Still no word from my oldest daughter. I’m just letting it play out but it’s hard. I have learned that I cannot always fix, solve or change things or people. I can only control myself and even then it’s if-y, 


















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3:51   Underneath it all, I’ve been in a pretty bad mood for weeks now. I’m just SO FED UP with bullshit. It’s as simple as that. I try to be nice. I try to be positive. I try to be calm and get along but it’s getting harder and harder for me.










Wednesday, February 12

Trudging through the snow and fog like a zombie

I need to get my gluteus maximus out of the recliner and start getting my hot mess self ready to go to school. It’s supposed to snow again this afternoon. My throat is still sore and hoarse ( third day). Last night I put Vic’s vaporub on my throat with a towel. I’ll gargle with warm salt water before I leave.
     I still feel very low and glum with thoughts of my daughter’s bullshit and Annettes biopsy results. It’s like someone dropped a load of bricks on me. I kept tearing up last night thinking about Mike and his siblings going over to Annette’s this morning to tell her about her biopsy results. It’s got to be difficult. Mike is pretty tough. He just comes out and says things and tells the truth no matter what.
     Okay getting up and getting ready for work. I’ll probably add more later. I will need to vent to you. I am not one who can hold things inside. 

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11:43 I have a pretty generous time gap between schools on Wednesday. I finished up at my first school and then went to the gas station and filled up. Now I'm killing time before I go in to my next school. I've caught up with emails. I texted Mike and he said his mother took the cancer new surprisingly well. It will probably take a while to sink in. I think they're trying to her scheduled with an oncologist appointment now.  I tried calling my daughter again and left a message. 

It's getting colder now and getting ready to start snowing. 








Friday, January 31

You just gotta keep swimming no matter what

So I’m feeling pretty heart sick and angst filled. My oldest daughter hasn’t been talking to any of us since Christmas. It seemed like one day things were okay and the next day she completely cut everybody off so finally yesterday I kept texting her and calling her and texted her husband. Later in the afternoon she sent me an angry hateful cussing rant text. She has gone completely off her rocker. I’ve also been worried for her two young daughters. She evidently has started on some new strong dose of Cymbalta for her fibromyalgia and is trying to cut out all stress and anxiety but it’s obviously making her a crazy bitch. I’ve read up on it and adverse side effects can be anger, hostility, aggression and increased depression.  I’m just going to leave her alone and not contact her anymore. I will never forgive her for what she said. Karma is a bitch. She’ll wake up and realize at some point but I’m done and I’m really hurting. She’s thirty seven and I have to trust things will eventually be okay. It’s very hard and hurts though. I am really sad.

Tuesday, December 31

Good old country comfort

It’s a hazy, overcast morning. There’s snow on the ground but the wind isn’t blowing like it was last night. Mike is getting ready to leave for work. He wakes up slowly. I stay out of his way and don’t mess around with him. Any other time I tease him and mess with him but not in the morning. It’s just not productive.

Something is going on with my left eye. Yesterday afternoon it started watering and itching and feeling funny. I thought the was a hair or lash in my eye. It hurt a little and the lower lid looked swollen. That’s the one that had the detached retina. Both eyes are damaged from the lymphoma tumors. During the night I woke up twice with the left eye matted shut with goo. This morning I washed it out and used some steroid eye drops I had. It feels better now but it’s still not back to normal. It’s always something. It’s like my body is a used car with 300,000 miles on all original equipment. Stuff is going to break down and need fixed or duct taped to hold it together. A lot of people around my age have been having joint replacement surgeries. Amazing what they can do now!

We have an inch or two of snow on the ground. Not a big deal. Mike has announced several times he’s going out to shovel in a few minutes. Okay....

My head feels kind of weird. I guess it’s my sinuses and the dry air from the heat being on. Who know? It’s not always the boogey man. I’m on coffee number two. 

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I just went out and helped Mike shovel. He’s still out there because he’s OCD. The driveway is clear, it’s all melting and we both have 4WD vehicles. Good enough is good enough. I just walk away when he starts getting OCD cranked up like his mother. And she drives him nuts with it!










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