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Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Monday, February 22

Monday 4:56 am

It’s very early morning. I woke up due to Mike snoring and couldn’t get back to sleep. There are so many things to think and worry about. I just read that we’ve reached 500,000 Covid-19 deaths in the US ( Reuters)and Dr. Fauci said the pandemic may continue into 2022(People). Pretty depressing news. No wonder there are so many people with anxiety and depression. This is day two of me trying to snap out of it and get back on track with my eating and exercise. Due to what’s going on with the kids and the funeral Friday I’ll need to keep myself on a short leash emotionally and focus on positives. It may sound weird but that’s my plan. I’m going to the pool this morning early, have shopping to do and will take several walks. Mike is swamped with work and busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest so I can’t depend on him for comfort or to vent to. He’s not very warm and fuzzy like that anyway. He always insists I quit being a wuss. He’s right, of course. 

I’m drinking my coffee, trying to wake up. I’m only eating between noon and 6pm and then limited carbs. My gut feels better on this system. I have more energy and focus. I started getting off track in January a little here and there but then it snowballed and I was eating bullshit again so now am getting back on my better habits. Food is medicine to fuel and heal your body. I am lucky to still be alive. I have to take care of my body the best I can. I cannot let my emotions sabotage my health. I have a crazy amount of sub jobs available to me. Most of the area schools are back to in-person or hybrid learning. There were twenty-four available jobs for today. I’m not accepting any in person sub jobs until two weeks after I’ve had the second vaccine. March 9 would be the earliest date I could have it but I haven’t gotten an email yet to schedule it. Mike got his five days after me and they already set his second vaccine appointment. He got his here at Sun City and got the Pfizer. It got the Moderna through my school district, so still waiting to schedule my second dose. 

Besides the stage four colon cancer, my ex husband also had a couple serious blood clots the doctors were concerned about. One by his heart and one in his leg. Supposedly he’d been doing better with his chemo treatments, gained a bit of weight back, more energy and doing better. The night before he died he fell on the ice when he got home from the sale barn and told his mother and our son he was just tired and wanted to go to bed. The next morning he got up and got dressed to go to the sale barn and just fell over on his bed and died. My son found him a couple hours after he died. I bet one of those clots got him. My kids are all now dealing with all this stuff. He had cattle in Missouri and Nebraska and locally. What a huge mess. You just never know. Life is short and you should never assume you have another day. I need to be as loving, giving, joyful and grateful as I can be every single day for the rest of my life.



Saturday, September 5

Changeable mind

7:28am. I was just too damned tired yesterday and decided to stay home and make my drive today. Besides Mike wanted me to go to Seigles in Elgin and look at kitchen cabinets. I still think we should just clean, sand, prime and paint our existing cabinets. I’m more concerned about new counters, sink and lighting to tell the truth. Everything moves at glacial speed with him and it drives me feckin nuts. 

I’m taking the dog with me when I leave in about an hour.

Saturday, June 13


9:42pm Saturday   I drove the girls back home to Norris then picked up the boys in Lewistown then drove back home. I’m really tired from driving. 

10:49   The boys are in bed. I soaked in the hot tub and exfoliated and put Eucerin on my dry skin. My achiness is better. This week I'm going to take the boys fishing, to the garden, walking the paths of Sun City, to Lake Geneva and shopping. Boys have less drama than girls. 

Wednesday, June 10

Chew bone

Mike is getting ready to go to physical therapy for his shoulders. He goes at 7am every Wednesday and Friday. It must be helping as I don't hear him complain of pain or grimace as much. I gathered the trash for trash day and took the puppy out. She only peed and when we came back inside she wasn't concerned much with eating and drinking after being in her cage all night. She's more concerned with exploring, chewing and playing. Bitzi now has a crate, portable platpen, car carrier, chicken chew ring, knitted chew bandana, stuffed dog chew toy, squeaky ball, squeaky bone, collars and leashes. It's unbelievable how many dog accessories we've suddenly acquired now. After nearly five years of not having a pet you forget how it adds up. 

Lola and Henna are still asleep. That's good. They stayed up until almost ten which is late for Henna. Lola has two other sisters and a brother at her dad and stepmoms house. She's bombarded by little kids in both her houses and expected to help with the little ones. Lola is really sharp and more mature for her age. I really missed these girls for those months when their mom( my oldest daughter Samantha) wasn't talking to anyone. Her excuse was her fibromyalgia and nerves but I suspect marital problems were a lot of it. She's been married to Bob, Hennessy's dad, for eight years. Bob is a construction worker. For the last year or so he's been working at a job in Evansville Indiana and coming home for the weekend once a month. A difficult arrangement for a woman I am sure.

It rained and stormed pretty good last night. The grass was wet as I walked around the house with Bitzi. It's hot and humid and the air is thick. I'm having to douse every exposed inch of my skin with mosquito repellant now as I'm some big juicy magnet that attracts them. It's miserable with itchy bites.  

The girls have been taking baths in my jacuzzi tub every night. Last night I took one after they were finished. It's really been getting a work out. I'm going to scrub it out today which is a chore to stretch and reach and scrub. It's good having kids in the house. They eat almost constantly and drag lots of stuff out to the living room. They're pretty good about cleaning up when I ask them. Next week the boys will be here. I haven't informed Mike yet. He's working during the day ( in the little back office) anyway and I'll be tending them. 

7:19 Mike has gone to therapy. I made the bed and tidied up a bit. The puppy is sleeping again although I let her out of her cage. 

My younger daughter said today her dads oncologist is supposed to call to let her know what time to bring him in to get his chemo port surgically installed. Gary wanted to go ahead with the chemo although his diagnosis is pretty bleak. Sarah is the one helping take care of him ( along with her 3 boys at home). Samantha has a pretty shakey relationship with her dad and realizes what a slimy SOB he's been. No matter, I'm trying to help Sarah and take the boys for a while next week. 

Sunday, June 7

Just jump in there and try

7:12 Sunday June 7
Lola (13) and Hennessy (6) are here staying the week. They rode home with me. I didn't feel very well Friday or Saturday. I had a swollen painful left knee that was difficult to walk on and also what seemed to be the start of a UTI. I felt pretty shitty when I got all the way home with the puppy and the girls yesterday. I iced my knee and wrapped it and propped it up. I chugged a TON of water for hours trying to flush away my UTI or whatever was going on. I feel a LOY better today. I've been icing my knee and drinking a lot.

Saturday, May 9

Spinning wheel

6:54am I’m drinking my first cup of coffee of the day. Mike is on the couch watching Restaurant impossible. We’re going to go over to St. Charles and see his mother in a while. She’s doing very well and hasn’t had any side effects from her one blast of brain radiation (for the tiny cancer spot) or the immune therapy infusions for her lung cancer. That’s great. Her depression appears to have improved greatly from a few weeks ago.

Sarah, my youngest daughter, said her dad is deeply depressed and asked her to help him fill out a living will and other legal papers yesterday. It seems Sarah is the one helping him and not our other three adult kids. Maybe they are and I just don’t know. I’ve been going to call him but I really don’t know what to say. So much water has passed under that bridge all these years.  It’s hard to talk to Mike about it. It’s an emotional pile of writhing, tangled worms in my head, gut and heart. 

The sun is shining. It’s chilly outside but not too bad. I need to keep busy and occupied. It’s when I’m sitting around thinking that I feel anxiety and dread but that stuff doesn’t help anything. I tried to call back the lady about the Huntley Springs activity director job but got voicemail both times. I must have had the ringer off on my phone in the morning when she called and left the message. After doing some research it appears that that new facility has rental condo and apartments at an all-inclusive package. There appear to be no pools or spas or tennis courts or outside activities like our community Sun City. It appears to be for elderly people who are not as active and unable to do a lot. While not a nursing home it seems more like one than my 55+ community. I’m going to keep an open mind.Being just a mile and a half from my house it would be a convenient new job. 

I found out yesterday that I can pick up my new Shih tzu puppy, Rosie, on Sunday May 24 from the breeder in Galena. That’s about a 97- mile drive from Huntley. I’m excited! My daughter Samantha has an 8 year old Shih Tzu named Bubbles who is the best dog ever. Yesterday Samantha and her girls got two boy Shih Tzu puppies from a breeder in Farmington. They named them Apollo and Frankie. Samantha has tow daughters Lola 13 and Hennessy 6. They’re loving the puppies. Bubbles loves them too. 

9:39. Yesterday I felt like I was starting to get a sore throat, was feeling slightly congested and coughing a little. It seems better today. It’s probably just the changing weather and plants blooming. Mike has been having pain and difficulty walking. He thinks it’s planter fasciitis. It started after we walked the golf course path here in Sun City before they opened for golfers May 1. I don’t think it’s as bad as it was last week but walking funny has then bothered his knees and back. He also has two wonky shoulder sockets that also bother his neck, severe asthma and diabetes. Whoever thought I’d be the “healthy one”  around here? Pretty crazy. 

My sourdough starter I’d been brewing for a week in a mason jar helped make some pretty good jalapeño cheese bread. It made two loaves. We both loved it. There’s still a full loaf left. I have more sourdough goo brewing in a jar on the counter.

My sister Sallie took her old IPad to our oldest sister Vicki who is mentally and physically handicapped and lives in a group home in West Peoria with five other disabled women and two professional caregivers working 8- hours shifts a day that’s part of an organization serving the disabled called Epic. They have many group homes throughout the area and a huge building where the residents are transported every day for activities, education and therapeutic sessions. Since the Covid-19 shelter-in-place order these people have all been stuck in their group homes and not allowed visitors. Anyway Sallie took her old IPad over to Vicki and set it up for Facebook messenger video chatting. A supervisor has to help her every time so you have to call there and schedule it. I called her last night and talked for a while. She seemed sleepy and distracted by the TV in their living room. She kept letting the Ipad slump down so I couldn’t see her. Phone calls with her are nearly impossible because she’ll only say a couple mumbled words.  Besides her issues she’s starting to develop dementia. I went and got her and brought her up to our house for a couple days over Christmas. She’s in a wheelchair full time and has no control over her bathroom functions. It was a lot to deal with. She slipped off the shower bench and slid to the floor. I tried and tried to get her up. After a long time Mike and I finally got her up. She was fine but we both hurt our backs. At her house she has a shower chair and can just roll herself in. Phew! That is so much easier! She looked good and healthy in the video chat last night though thank goodness. 

Yesterday I got a big envelope in the mail with homemade Mother’s Day cards and crafts from the grandkids. I was delighted to get them. I miss them all so much. Video chatting just isn’t the same. 

3:55pm   We went to Mike’s mom’s townhome and took her for a drive and got some food for her and took her home. Then we got some food for us and came home. Mikes in the office working. I went ahead and ate- roasted vegetables, some rice, a few strips of gyro meat and a slice of my jalapeño cheese bread. It’s nicer out today than I thought it would be. I’ve been in kind of a subdued shitty mood the last couple weeks. I try to keep it to myself and combat it on my own. I kind of feel like I’m treading water. I haven’t gone full-out batshit crazy psycho bitch or anything. Yet but I can feel it brewing underneath. 

7:43pm. We just got home. I am so f-ing fed up and at my whits end over his grouchy bitching griping sarcastic pissy curmudgeonly bullshit over everything I say or suggest. Everything, I really am and I need a break. I’m leaving for a couple days next Friday. I’ve just had it. F him. 

Sunday, April 19

Getting through it

9:52 am Sunday

It get occasional waves of anxiety about this pandemic situation. I try to not be a total swamp bitch to my husband but sometimes I daydream about punching him in the mouth. I don’t think I could run fast enough to realistically ever actually do that. Well, maybe if he was sleeping. It is nice to have someone to cuddle up with and rub my feet at night though. I’m on my fourth cup of coffee so that may be adding to my being a little more cranked up.

Mike is, of course, watching the news. I’m so sick of the news I want to smash them all in the teeth with a hammer too. Of course I never actually act on these violent thoughts but at least I can visualize it. It’s starting to get to me how insensate and oblivious my spouse is. Our twenty two years together have been sweetly seasoned with me going away for a few days at least once a month. It has given our marriage breathing room.i did actually get out alone and go grocery shopping alone the other day and I was gone a couple hours. I really like driving especially in my new car. It’s so nice. 

We’re going to go over and see Mike’s mom today. We haven’t been over to visit her in over a month. Mike has been taking her to her immune therapy infusion treatments and there’s one coming up Tuesday. We video chat with her and keep in touch that way.

I got pictures of my puppy’s parents yesterday. 

Wednesday, March 11


5:29 pm Wednesday

It has been gloomy, foggy, misty all day. It was a somewhat frustrating workday. We are supposed to be administering this mandatory written and playing tests to all of our band students but they also have other academic testing going on that we, of course, are not informed about in advance so some of my students were missing. The ones who did come we’re fine but I was frustrated and just wanting to get it done. Also now there is all this media coverage of impending doom from the exponentially spreading corona virus. I finish with my lessons and get ready to leave to travel to my second school but I decide I’ll go use the staff restroom down the hall but discover it’s locked with another teacher occupying it so I just went around the corner to pop into the girl students restroom and open the door to the back stall to discover some little girl has pooped numerous turds all around the toilet seat in a symmetrical artful fashion, as if one were decorating the top of a cake. Horrified, I return to my lesson room, notify the office of the poop catastrophe via intercom, gather my things and leave feeling disturbed and rattled.
At my next school I was in the middle of teaching four wild fifth grade trumpet boys when the fire alarm went off. The entire building evacuated and stood shivering on the playground. Four fire trucks and a police car came speeding down the street in front of the screaming children with their sirens on. After an unbearable amount of  time the secretary came on over the load speaker thanking everyone for their fast response for the fire drill. Then it was time for dismissal so I accomplished nothing.

When I got back home and went to our community’s main lodge and voted early for the primary. 

I remember in December I had strange feeling or premonition that something big and bad was coming. I had no idea what it was but kept feeling it. I chalked it to being a worry wart at the time. Since then my mother-in- law has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer, my oldest daughter hasn’t need talking to any of us family ( have no clue why), my ex- husband is critically ill, and now we are in a pandemic emergency over the spreading corona virus. I felt this big awful tidal wave approaching but it wasn’t clear.

Saturday, February 22

Self care when you’re feeling stressed

Saturday is usually a good day. You’ve finished the work week, you can sleep in, you don’t have to pack your lunch, you can stay in your pajamas and you can do what you want. I slept until 7:15 this morning which is late for me. I slept really well through the night. As of yesterday I’m feeling more congested in my lungs even though I’ve been taking the antibiotics since Wednesday. Nothing seems to help.

Poached eggs for breakfast egg poacher pan

Yesterday I arranged for one of our friends to give his drum set to one of my students who has been wanting one for a long time. Mike and I are going to get pick it up in the morning and then deliver it to the boy. The mom said her boy is super excited to get it. I’m happy it will work out. I have some computer school work to do today that will take an hour or so. I ought to get that done before I get sidetracked to other things.

Later this evening I’m going to take a nice long bath and scrape my feet and exfoliate my skin and give myself a facial and hair conditioning treatment #selfcare, #beautyspa, #selfcare, #healing, #watertherapy. In my bathroom I have plants, Buddha pictures and figures and an essential oil diffuser. I try to relax in my tub and let go of all the shit that’s bugging me #spa, #spatherapy, #zen. That’s better than any medicine or talk therapy.

Best wrinkle Serum 

 Still no word from my oldest daughter. I’m just letting it play out but it’s hard. I have learned that I cannot always fix, solve or change things or people. I can only control myself and even then it’s if-y, 


3:51   Underneath it all, I’ve been in a pretty bad mood for weeks now. I’m just SO FED UP with bullshit. It’s as simple as that. I try to be nice. I try to be positive. I try to be calm and get along but it’s getting harder and harder for me.

Wednesday, February 12

Trudging through the snow and fog like a zombie

I need to get my gluteus maximus out of the recliner and start getting my hot mess self ready to go to school. It’s supposed to snow again this afternoon. My throat is still sore and hoarse ( third day). Last night I put Vic’s vaporub on my throat with a towel. I’ll gargle with warm salt water before I leave.
     I still feel very low and glum with thoughts of my daughter’s bullshit and Annettes biopsy results. It’s like someone dropped a load of bricks on me. I kept tearing up last night thinking about Mike and his siblings going over to Annette’s this morning to tell her about her biopsy results. It’s got to be difficult. Mike is pretty tough. He just comes out and says things and tells the truth no matter what.
     Okay getting up and getting ready for work. I’ll probably add more later. I will need to vent to you. I am not one who can hold things inside. 


11:43 I have a pretty generous time gap between schools on Wednesday. I finished up at my first school and then went to the gas station and filled up. Now I'm killing time before I go in to my next school. I've caught up with emails. I texted Mike and he said his mother took the cancer new surprisingly well. It will probably take a while to sink in. I think they're trying to her scheduled with an oncologist appointment now.  I tried calling my daughter again and left a message. 

It's getting colder now and getting ready to start snowing. 

Tuesday, February 11

Intuition or something else?

I remember before Christmas I kept having this feeling something big was coming, that something major was going to happen, some significant life- changing thing. I wasn’t really sure but I could feel it coming in my bones. Now for some unknown reason my daughter has cut me, her father, her siblings and who knows who else out of her life and won’t talk or communicate. Out of the blue. We have no idea what on earth is going on. Also my ex father-in-law died and now my mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer today via results from a lung biopsy. She doesn’t know yet. Mike and his brothers and sister are going over there tomorrow to tell her. She had breast cancer on the same side about fifteen years ago treated with a lumpectomy and radiation. All her checkups and mammograms have been clear. I am just sick over this. She’s been sad, irritable and depressed for four years since her husband , Jerry, died of liver cancer. They’re going to get her a PET scan and battery of tests to find out just how progressed it is. I wish there was something I could do. 
I feel SO SAD and awful.

Saturday, February 1

You always hurt the one you love

So now we’re going out to buy a new big TV. The old one stopped working two weeks ago. This has been a giant pain in the ass the last two weeks.

We ended up buying a 65” Sony 4K at Costco.

We’re supposed to go to Brian & Michelle’s 30th anniversary party tonight. I’m not feeling well and didn’t sleep last night. I still have this tickle cough in my bronchial tubes. I just used my nebulizer. 

Thursday, January 16

I have become comfortably numb

I'm feeling pretty glum tonight. I'm frustrated, sad and feel helpless. You can only do so much. 

Friday 4:98 am

I still haven’t really spoken to my oldest daughter in a few weeks but have got a couple quick dodging text responses. I’m pretty sure something awful has happened and she doesn’t want to tell anyone. I am vexed and can’t quit worrying.  I just have this suspicious feeling and it’s driving me crazy. I want to help. My protective mama bear alert has been going off. I’m afraid it’s her husband and she’s afraid or ashamed to tell. I have lived that situation and I know. I wish she would talk to me. I guess when she’s ready.She’s an adult and I can’t make her do anything #parentinggrownadults 

Pink Floyd  I Have Become Comfortably Numb 
Comfortably Numb

My ex father in law is supposed to be near death my younger daughter told me yesterday. He’s 90-some and has lived in Florida for many years. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him.  He and my ex husband had a very weird not close relationship.One reason my ex was messed up.  I did not like my ex father-in-law. He was a very harsh , brash know-it-all asshole in his younger days. I have actually been getting along with my ex husband the last year. Funny how times fixes things and you come to realize so much more and grow wiser. It took a long long time for all that anger and hurt to heal #timehealsallwounds 

 For a couple months I’ve had this sense, this funny feeling in my gut that something was coming, something big was going to happen or someone was going to die. I’ve felt it looming in the background, a premonition or whatever.I feel it hasn’t happened yet but it’s still unclear and I still feel it hanging in the air out there #premonition, #intuition

I’ve been fighting a sore throat and a wolf cough the last few days and it seems like maybe it’s not going to get so bad. I’ve been taking my Emergency C powder every morning, my vitamins, probiotic, kefir, flushes my sinuses, gargling with warm salt water, running the vaporizer beside the bed at night, washing my hands a lot and I take Advil Cold & Sinus gel capsules . 
Advil cold gel caps

The flu is going through the schools. My six year old grandson has been sick with a fever and cough all week but is feeling better now. If the weather isn’t bad I’m going to drive down to Lewistown in the morning m hopefully see my grandson Waylon who I haven’t seen in a long time and the other kids and come home Sunday afternoon. I have a dentist appointment for fillings Monday at 8am. I have 5 small cavities that developed while I had braces.  

I’ve been awake since about 2am. I tried to go back to sleep for a while. Mike was making his funny breathing snoring sounds, obviously asleep. I don’t want to wake him so I just got up and made coffee, put my socks on, grabbed my throw blanket and turned the thermostat up. Today should be an easy day. I’m only at one school.

Yesterday some mysterious yellow envelope was delivered to Mikes newspaper office with crazy 9-11 scrawlings all over the front so the police and EMS were contacted and eventually the FBI. The building was evacuated and the deemed the envelope safe for transport and took it to the lab. Mike was notified before he left the house in the morning so he just worked from home. After a few hours the staff was allowed back in the building to resume work.  They’ve received crazy threats many times. Some nut job gets pissed off about some story or editorial they read in the paper and decide to come down to the office and kick somebody’s ass or shoot up the building. One crank threaten to slash throats and rape all the women. Journalism can be a risky profession and it has only gotten worse in our current political climate and current administration. Mike has been confronted in the parking lot walking to his car in the past. He has fielded numerous threatening calls. They have a secure facility and security guards on hand but things still happen.
The Daily Herald

Wednesday, January 1

The fun never ends

So this is the first day of 2020. We are sitting around like bumps on a log. I finished the laundry, tidied up the house, made poached eggs and toast. In continuing to try to check on my oldest daughter yesterday she lashed out at me pretty bad in an overly harsh way. I’m leaving her alone to stew in her own miserable juices but now I’m even more worried. I have no idea but obviously whatever is wrong she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s 37 and can take care of herself. Happy f-ing  new year. The fun just never ends....

6:05 pm

We went to mike’s mother Annette’s this afternoon and then to a couple stores and then had a late lunch at Portillo’s. We’re trying to set up an appointment to take her to look at another Sun City house Sunday afternoon. She’s turned up her nose at all the others we’ve taken her to look at. Oh well, one more house to look at. 
Mike and I are going to Lake Geneva Friday for two nights and coming home Sunday morning. Tomorrow I’m going back to our Sun City lodge pool and spa.
No word from my older daughter, not that I expected it..... My younger daughter is much more easy going.

You teach people how to treat you. I’m not taking any more shit off anyone. 

Ten tricks to stay positive

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