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Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Friday, February 12

Things are getting better


I have to make myself flip on the hopeful-grateful-faithful switch a lot these days because my default settings keep going to worry, anxiety, dread and expecting the worst to happen. I have to mentally kick my own ass and tell myself to snap out of it. Yes I’ve had many awful things happen in my life. No that doesn’t mean they’re going to keep happening nor should I dwell on them and let them ruin the rest of my life. I am steering this boat. I decide how I will feel every single day. I decide how I will respond to people, events, situations.

It’s very early morning and I’m going to the pool in a little bit. It helps restore me. I signed up for a  Zoom class on the life of Eleanor Roosevelt from 10-11:30 today. I’ve read that she was a very strong, kind and inspiring woman. Hopefully that will be good and interesting.

Michael has so much going on with his job now with his regular overload plus all the endorsement interview crap that’s been dumped on him I feel really sorry for him. He just zones out at night. While we’re sitting on the couch watching TV at night he’s getting texts from reporters and front pages to approve. There’s no escape. Only he can decide when it’s time to retire. I think he’s waiting for the next buy-out offers to come around but I could be mistaken. 

I took Bitzi to the lodge to walk with hopes of her doing her business but they have covered all the sidewalks with salt and that hurts her little feet. And it’s snowing again! I brought her home and tried to get her to go in the front yard but no luck so finally brought her in, washed the salt off her feet and put her in her pen in the kitchen. I have a fitness appointment after lunch to use the weight machines at Meadowview Lodge.

I’m aggravated at something. I can’t let it get to me. I have my health. I have my family and a small circle of friends. I have enough in my circle. Nothing can rattle me. I am grateful. I am blessed. 

Wednesday, February 3

The waiting is the hardest part

I have resolved to try my best and stay home and avoid crowds and wear my mask and keep my distance and wash my hands a lot more but I’m really sick of this. I feel bad I’m not working but I feel glad too. Is that weird?

I’ve been going to the pool at 6:30 and exercising everyday and I take Bitzi for at least two  walks every day. That’s helping me sleep at night and not get overrun with anxiety and worry. There’s just SO much stuff going on in the world and with family. It will all work itself out eventually. I’ve been stashing away flower seeds for months and dreaming of spring. 


Tuesday, September 15

It’s just another day

9:30am.   Coffee #1 is being sipped slowly. We’ve taken the dog out twice but she’s too distracted sniffing and staring at things to get down to business and pee so she’s back in her pen in the kitchen. I’ll take her out again in a few minutes. Later this afternoon we’re meeting with a financial planner to roll my two 403B funds and my big lump sum from TRS into a single IRA that’s a conservative safe investment. We had been going to pay the house and car off and then combine them but we’d be hit too hard from taxes in a couple ways so we’re just going to roll and bundle for now. Better safe than sorry. 

I’ve been feeling a bit negative about our community lately. So many noses nitpicky dried up old farts. So many flipping rules. You have to fill out an application and get permission to do just about anything. Since March most all our amenities have been shut down but we’re still all paying our HOA fees. They’ve opened a very few indoor pool slots ( that are mostly always filled up immediately) and arranged for a few food trucks to come ( we pay for that out of pocket though) so what the hell? I’ve been thinking lately about selling this house when Mike retires and moving to Lake Thunderbird in Putnam. Closer to my family. Cheaper. Cheaper property taxes & HOA fees. I’m a country girl redneck at heart.


Today is Bitzis 6 month birthday!








I just read an email from ancestry.com. Their DNA analysis has improved and is more sensitive now.
I’m 57% English
I’m 32% Scottish 
I’m 8% Norwegian
3% German 

Wow Scottish! 

Wednesday, June 3

Pushing through it

12pm   It’s a rainy day today. I got a bag full of tulip bulbs this morning from the Sun City giveaway. I’m ache-y all over from digging and planting the last few days. I need to drive out to my garden plot at the community garden and plant a couple more tomato plants and some sweet corn. I’m sore but it’s not going to get planted unless I do it. Mike doesn’t do anything to help me with our yard or the garden. It does no good to complain. He’s going to play golf Thursday. I’m going to Lewistown tomorrow and coming home Saturday with my granddaughters. 

Monday, May 18

The Last Dance

11:13am Monday 
  We watched the last episodes of the Michael Jordan documentary The Last Dance last night. It was really well done. I watched a lot of those games during their double three-pear era. My oldest son was crazy about basketball and Jordan was his idol. The program was very enjoyable to watch.

I just got home from Aldi. The store here in Huntley is only about a mile from our house. I wore my mask and gloves and used hand sanitizer when I got back in the car and took my gloves off. Everything in the stores is about as safe as they can make it. I do take precautions but I’m not going to stay hidden in my house 24/7 every day in terror. This is bullshit. I’m being careful I’m just not going to go completely out of my gourd off the deep end like a lot of these freaks. Suck it up buttercup. Darwin had the answers. 

I have my last Zoom lessons this week starting in a little while. I’ll be SO GLAD to be done! 

2:34 time gap between lessons. The first girl for the noon lesson ( whose mother just requested this lesson a few days ago) didn't show up so at 12:14 I ended the meeting. Then in the middle of my 2:00 lesson the girl emails me and tells me she's waiting. I'm not sure if she and her mother thought she could just log on anytime and I'd be sitting there waiting or what. I have two more lessons to go today. Both good studious advanced sixth grade girls, a trumpet and an oboe. I wish they could all be as conscientious and polite as these girls. 

5:43om.     As usual, Mike is still back in the office working. I went ahead and ate. I cooked some hot Italian sausage that needed to be cooked. I charred it all crusty in the iron skillet. I ate some leftover tortellini that was in the fridge.( I’m usually the one who eats the leftovers) but then Mike said he thought it looked good so I made a little more tortellini for him to have with his sausage. I have another loaf of bread rising. Wednesday I have to drive to downtown Elgin to my school district central office to turn in my laptop, charger, school IPad and keyboard case, my door key fob and a French Horn. Someone will come out and escort me into the building. After that I have to drive to South Elgin to an elementary school and bag up a few of my remaining possessions and leave my room key. I have to wear a mask and gloves to both places of course. Next week on the 27th my school email will be deactivated along with my school blog, Google Classroom, YouTube channel and everything else associated with my school email account. Today I reset my school Ipad clean of all my stuff. I’m ready. This is really happening. It feels good and exciting but a little scary and sad. It’s like I’m losing part of my identity and don’t know yet what I’m going to put in it’s place. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions brewing around in there. I’m just going to have to become fabulous in a different way. I have my ruby slippers. 

Sunday, April 19

Getting through it

9:52 am Sunday

It get occasional waves of anxiety about this pandemic situation. I try to not be a total swamp bitch to my husband but sometimes I daydream about punching him in the mouth. I don’t think I could run fast enough to realistically ever actually do that. Well, maybe if he was sleeping. It is nice to have someone to cuddle up with and rub my feet at night though. I’m on my fourth cup of coffee so that may be adding to my being a little more cranked up.

Mike is, of course, watching the news. I’m so sick of the news I want to smash them all in the teeth with a hammer too. Of course I never actually act on these violent thoughts but at least I can visualize it. It’s starting to get to me how insensate and oblivious my spouse is. Our twenty two years together have been sweetly seasoned with me going away for a few days at least once a month. It has given our marriage breathing room.i did actually get out alone and go grocery shopping alone the other day and I was gone a couple hours. I really like driving especially in my new car. It’s so nice. 







We’re going to go over and see Mike’s mom today. We haven’t been over to visit her in over a month. Mike has been taking her to her immune therapy infusion treatments and there’s one coming up Tuesday. We video chat with her and keep in touch that way.

I got pictures of my puppy’s parents yesterday. 







Thursday, March 26

The days are a blurry haze

12:00pm 

I’ve been up since around 8. I’ve been sleeping later lately because I have nowhere to be. I’ve been riding along to stores with Mike but staying in the car while he goes inside to shop.

I went to Loyola Tuesday for a check up with my oncologist / transplant doctor. My labs were all really good. He said my immune system is now like a 6 year olds. Still not normal but improving a bit each time I go. I go back in another six months.

I went for a walk but it started raining after a little while so I came back. It’s pretty hazy and damp-ish out there.

1:51 









2:53

It’s doesn’t even feel like a Thursday. Every day just melts into the next like a slow thick blanket of fog. Mike is still working in my little back office. It would be nice to be able to use it next week when I’m supposed to start distance teaching but I’ll have to make do and figure something else out. He does have to take work group video meetings several times a day so that little office space would be the most sound and distraction proof area. I put a bunch of my instruments in my car to give him a little more space. Now due to this world situation his paper is going to start cutting more people. No shock there. 


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