Stay young!

Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 3

The waiting is the hardest part

I have resolved to try my best and stay home and avoid crowds and wear my mask and keep my distance and wash my hands a lot more but I’m really sick of this. I feel bad I’m not working but I feel glad too. Is that weird?

I’ve been going to the pool at 6:30 and exercising everyday and I take Bitzi for at least two  walks every day. That’s helping me sleep at night and not get overrun with anxiety and worry. There’s just SO much stuff going on in the world and with family. It will all work itself out eventually. I’ve been stashing away flower seeds for months and dreaming of spring. 

Friday, August 7

Go day

6:20 am 

I’m on my first coffee. I’m trying to be quiet. Mike just got up. It’s our twenty-first anniversary today. We have nothing special planned. He got me a card. I haven’t even opened it yet. I got him nothing. He doesn’t like gifts.

Mike has to work today. I’m pretty sure he’s going to work and hang on as long as he can. He says he loves his job but it’s changing beneath him all the time. 

I’m driving the four grandkids back to Canton and maybe seeing my sisters. Depending on Vicki’s condition, I may stay over or I may drive back home. If I come back home I’ll go into clean up and recovery mode and then just relax. Tomorrow is a big birthday party for our neighbor’s  100th birthday. John is a WW II navy / coast guard veteran.  He and his wife Fran are pretty cool.

I’ve been waiting until the end of summertime go get my car washed, waxed and detailed. There was no point to it while hauling the kids around. Maybe next week. 

I can hear my faint wheezing peeping squeaking from my lungs when I exhale. I have been feeling a bit more uncomfortable and mildly congested at night. Although I have no diagnosed pollen allergies I react to something in the air at the end of summer/ beginning of fall. Usually a couple weeks in to the school year is when it gets cranked up. The mold spores disputed into the air from the falling leaves maybe.

I’m leaving Bitzi home. If I do have to go to OSF hospital and see Vicki I can’t take a dog in and she can’t just stay in the car. Mike can tend her. He usually takes a break and walks around the house every so often. 

All the scheduled times to use the big indoor pool next week are already taken. They make the time slots for the following week available online at 9 am every Wednesday. I forgot about it until last night but every slot is full. I suppose I’ll try the outdoor pool. Mike never goes with me. Never to the pool, fitness center, on walks. People assume I’m a widow. It’s just the way it is.

I took the dog out. Lately when I take her out she’s too distracted by looking at stuff, finding sticks to eat, sniffing, digging in the dirt to get down to business and pee. I take her out numerous times a day on walks. Mike takes her out around 9pm and then again around 12am. We take her food and water away about 8pm. She still isn’t allowed to roam free in the house because she’s peed on rugs a few times. She has an 8- panel portable wire puppy pen and a dog crate. She’s in the crate from around 9pm-6am with a couple outings to go pee. She’s five months old now. In another month she might come in heat. I haven’t decided yet whether to spay her or let her have a litter of puppies. The vet said I should wait until she’s 18 months old to breed her. She’s probably not going to weigh 10 pounds when she’s fully grown. I would have to find a similar-sized suitable male. Just not even sure I want to but there’s still a lot of time to decide.

6:42 I’m back home and exhausted. I drove all the way down and back. Vicki is not in an acute condition or in the hospital so I didn’t stay. The kids are back home. My skin biopsies were  all benign. Thank God. 

Friday, May 1

Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me.

8:48 am Friday
I’m moving pretty slowly today. I just feel kind of muddy in my head. It’s always a bit worrisome for me if I feel any changes to my head/ brain/ thinking/ speech/ swallowing. I’ve been down that road before and always dreading going back. I’m sure taking a walk in a little while will help me snap out of if. I’m supposed to attend some online training session at 10 about using some new software platform the district is rolling out in August. It will not apply to me at all. I’ll probably log on but leave early so at least there’s some record I was there. Pretty much I now feel like a dog running wild without a leash. Nothing matters and the district can’t really do anything about it. I’m trying to reign in my attitude but it’s not working, I do care about my students but that’s all. 

It’s super bright and sunny. Our landscapers come around 7am every Friday throughout the spring and summer. It takes them only 15-20 minutes to whiz through our yard. Today they dug out a bunch of dandelions with their cool long-handled fork tool and sprayed stuff in the dandelion hole so they won’t come back. The 90-some year old nextdoor neighbor lady, Fran, has made several snarky remarks to me about our dandelions hoping they didn’t spread to her yard. Her husband John is 99 and a WWII navy veteran. I’m nice to them but Fran is pretty sharp tongued and snarky when I talk to her alone. She never says anything bitchy to Mike. Every time she says something snarky to me I just think to myself “ you old dried up old c—t” and smile politely and walk away. Be kind to old people. Even if they’re cranky. Most all of the residents here in our Sun City community is very friendly, helpful and kind. A few of them are funny. 
In Kane County we currently have 1667 positive Covid-19 cases and 52 deaths. 

                        May 1, 2015.                                                       May 1, 2016

9:31 Michael is working quietly in the back office. No meetings going on yet. Sports is starting to pick up a little now with golf courses opening today and talk of MLB starting up with limitations. He seems a bit recharged today. We decided we’re having the leftover Chicago pan pizza slices from Wednesday for dinner tonight and I’ll cook the pot roast tomorrow. We’re trying really hard to use things up and not waste anything ( kinda going Amish or pre- depression mode.) 
Tightwad Gazette

I think I’m going to make a sourdough starter today. It will be like my little lab experiment plus it will creep Mike out sitting on the kitchen countertop in a bowl smelling for weeks. Win-win. I have some seeds growing in trays by the back sliding door. That stuff bugs him too. 

10:33. I logged on to the meeting and sat there for a while. There were 178 people in that Zoom. Everybody had their audio and video muted except the presenter. I followed along for a while scrolling down this list of participants- some I knew. Eventually I just clicked out because nothing applies to me. It’s stuff that will be used in August. Now I’m feeling kind of weird. I’m happy to retire. It’s the right thing to do. I’m alive and astonished and truly grateful. This just feels a little weird. You’d think by now I’d be easily able to navigate weird. Aside from a volcanic eruption most horrible things that can happen ( short of actually being dead) have already happened. I still haven’t gone for my walk. That will help snap me out of this funk. 


I went to the store, sent out several student/ parent emails, planted some seeds, tried unsuccessfully to fix the solar fountain in my bird bath, made some hummingbird nectar, went for another walk, talked to a couple friends and my daughter, signed up for Instacart and ordered a few things for tomorrow,  tended my plants, talked to my sister and now back to boredom and scowling. The frogs chirping away in the swamp behind us do help my mood though.

Sunday, April 19

Getting through it

9:52 am Sunday

It get occasional waves of anxiety about this pandemic situation. I try to not be a total swamp bitch to my husband but sometimes I daydream about punching him in the mouth. I don’t think I could run fast enough to realistically ever actually do that. Well, maybe if he was sleeping. It is nice to have someone to cuddle up with and rub my feet at night though. I’m on my fourth cup of coffee so that may be adding to my being a little more cranked up.

Mike is, of course, watching the news. I’m so sick of the news I want to smash them all in the teeth with a hammer too. Of course I never actually act on these violent thoughts but at least I can visualize it. It’s starting to get to me how insensate and oblivious my spouse is. Our twenty two years together have been sweetly seasoned with me going away for a few days at least once a month. It has given our marriage breathing room.i did actually get out alone and go grocery shopping alone the other day and I was gone a couple hours. I really like driving especially in my new car. It’s so nice. 

We’re going to go over and see Mike’s mom today. We haven’t been over to visit her in over a month. Mike has been taking her to her immune therapy infusion treatments and there’s one coming up Tuesday. We video chat with her and keep in touch that way.

I got pictures of my puppy’s parents yesterday. 

Wednesday, March 11


5:29 pm Wednesday

It has been gloomy, foggy, misty all day. It was a somewhat frustrating workday. We are supposed to be administering this mandatory written and playing tests to all of our band students but they also have other academic testing going on that we, of course, are not informed about in advance so some of my students were missing. The ones who did come we’re fine but I was frustrated and just wanting to get it done. Also now there is all this media coverage of impending doom from the exponentially spreading corona virus. I finish with my lessons and get ready to leave to travel to my second school but I decide I’ll go use the staff restroom down the hall but discover it’s locked with another teacher occupying it so I just went around the corner to pop into the girl students restroom and open the door to the back stall to discover some little girl has pooped numerous turds all around the toilet seat in a symmetrical artful fashion, as if one were decorating the top of a cake. Horrified, I return to my lesson room, notify the office of the poop catastrophe via intercom, gather my things and leave feeling disturbed and rattled.
At my next school I was in the middle of teaching four wild fifth grade trumpet boys when the fire alarm went off. The entire building evacuated and stood shivering on the playground. Four fire trucks and a police car came speeding down the street in front of the screaming children with their sirens on. After an unbearable amount of  time the secretary came on over the load speaker thanking everyone for their fast response for the fire drill. Then it was time for dismissal so I accomplished nothing.

When I got back home and went to our community’s main lodge and voted early for the primary. 

I remember in December I had strange feeling or premonition that something big and bad was coming. I had no idea what it was but kept feeling it. I chalked it to being a worry wart at the time. Since then my mother-in- law has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer, my oldest daughter hasn’t need talking to any of us family ( have no clue why), my ex- husband is critically ill, and now we are in a pandemic emergency over the spreading corona virus. I felt this big awful tidal wave approaching but it wasn’t clear.

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