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Showing posts with label heartache. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartache. Show all posts

Thursday, July 9

The heat is on

I haven’t really posted or written much in a while. I want to say there’s been too much going on but I’m not sure that is quite accurate. I haven’t been sure what to say. Through this whole pandemic clusterf*ck I feel like I’ve been under water holding my breath waiting for it to be over so I could come to the surface sunlight and all would be well. The boogie man would be gone. Donald Trump would be gone. The corona virus would be gone. The political unrest would be gone. Cancer would be gone.

But no.

 Here I am and the shit’s still the same. You can’t be too tired. You can’t deny it or ignore it. You can assume somebody else is going to fix it. You have to take a deep breath, pull up yer britches and keep trudging on through the everyday muck and bile of living in this world. You have to pause and revel in the few and far between sweet spots but don’t ever let yourself expect the sweet spots or take them for granted. Oh no. Because karma is always watching your ungrateful ass and will jump up and kick you in the teeth when you least expect it. 

Be constantly grateful  for every sunrise, every rain drop, every morsel of food. Tomorrow it could all be gone.


This is for you.














Saturday, May 9

Spinning wheel

6:54am I’m drinking my first cup of coffee of the day. Mike is on the couch watching Restaurant impossible. We’re going to go over to St. Charles and see his mother in a while. She’s doing very well and hasn’t had any side effects from her one blast of brain radiation (for the tiny cancer spot) or the immune therapy infusions for her lung cancer. That’s great. Her depression appears to have improved greatly from a few weeks ago.

Sarah, my youngest daughter, said her dad is deeply depressed and asked her to help him fill out a living will and other legal papers yesterday. It seems Sarah is the one helping him and not our other three adult kids. Maybe they are and I just don’t know. I’ve been going to call him but I really don’t know what to say. So much water has passed under that bridge all these years.  It’s hard to talk to Mike about it. It’s an emotional pile of writhing, tangled worms in my head, gut and heart. 

The sun is shining. It’s chilly outside but not too bad. I need to keep busy and occupied. It’s when I’m sitting around thinking that I feel anxiety and dread but that stuff doesn’t help anything. I tried to call back the lady about the Huntley Springs activity director job but got voicemail both times. I must have had the ringer off on my phone in the morning when she called and left the message. After doing some research it appears that that new facility has rental condo and apartments at an all-inclusive package. There appear to be no pools or spas or tennis courts or outside activities like our community Sun City. It appears to be for elderly people who are not as active and unable to do a lot. While not a nursing home it seems more like one than my 55+ community. I’m going to keep an open mind.Being just a mile and a half from my house it would be a convenient new job. 

I found out yesterday that I can pick up my new Shih tzu puppy, Rosie, on Sunday May 24 from the breeder in Galena. That’s about a 97- mile drive from Huntley. I’m excited! My daughter Samantha has an 8 year old Shih Tzu named Bubbles who is the best dog ever. Yesterday Samantha and her girls got two boy Shih Tzu puppies from a breeder in Farmington. They named them Apollo and Frankie. Samantha has tow daughters Lola 13 and Hennessy 6. They’re loving the puppies. Bubbles loves them too. 







9:39. Yesterday I felt like I was starting to get a sore throat, was feeling slightly congested and coughing a little. It seems better today. It’s probably just the changing weather and plants blooming. Mike has been having pain and difficulty walking. He thinks it’s planter fasciitis. It started after we walked the golf course path here in Sun City before they opened for golfers May 1. I don’t think it’s as bad as it was last week but walking funny has then bothered his knees and back. He also has two wonky shoulder sockets that also bother his neck, severe asthma and diabetes. Whoever thought I’d be the “healthy one”  around here? Pretty crazy. 






My sourdough starter I’d been brewing for a week in a mason jar helped make some pretty good jalapeño cheese bread. It made two loaves. We both loved it. There’s still a full loaf left. I have more sourdough goo brewing in a jar on the counter.

My sister Sallie took her old IPad to our oldest sister Vicki who is mentally and physically handicapped and lives in a group home in West Peoria with five other disabled women and two professional caregivers working 8- hours shifts a day that’s part of an organization serving the disabled called Epic. They have many group homes throughout the area and a huge building where the residents are transported every day for activities, education and therapeutic sessions. Since the Covid-19 shelter-in-place order these people have all been stuck in their group homes and not allowed visitors. Anyway Sallie took her old IPad over to Vicki and set it up for Facebook messenger video chatting. A supervisor has to help her every time so you have to call there and schedule it. I called her last night and talked for a while. She seemed sleepy and distracted by the TV in their living room. She kept letting the Ipad slump down so I couldn’t see her. Phone calls with her are nearly impossible because she’ll only say a couple mumbled words.  Besides her issues she’s starting to develop dementia. I went and got her and brought her up to our house for a couple days over Christmas. She’s in a wheelchair full time and has no control over her bathroom functions. It was a lot to deal with. She slipped off the shower bench and slid to the floor. I tried and tried to get her up. After a long time Mike and I finally got her up. She was fine but we both hurt our backs. At her house she has a shower chair and can just roll herself in. Phew! That is so much easier! She looked good and healthy in the video chat last night though thank goodness. 

Yesterday I got a big envelope in the mail with homemade Mother’s Day cards and crafts from the grandkids. I was delighted to get them. I miss them all so much. Video chatting just isn’t the same. 

3:55pm   We went to Mike’s mom’s townhome and took her for a drive and got some food for her and took her home. Then we got some food for us and came home. Mikes in the office working. I went ahead and ate- roasted vegetables, some rice, a few strips of gyro meat and a slice of my jalapeño cheese bread. It’s nicer out today than I thought it would be. I’ve been in kind of a subdued shitty mood the last couple weeks. I try to keep it to myself and combat it on my own. I kind of feel like I’m treading water. I haven’t gone full-out batshit crazy psycho bitch or anything. Yet but I can feel it brewing underneath. 

7:43pm. We just got home. I am so f-ing fed up and at my whits end over his grouchy bitching griping sarcastic pissy curmudgeonly bullshit over everything I say or suggest. Everything, I really am and I need a break. I’m leaving for a couple days next Friday. I’ve just had it. F him. 


Tuesday, February 11

Intuition or something else?

I remember before Christmas I kept having this feeling something big was coming, that something major was going to happen, some significant life- changing thing. I wasn’t really sure but I could feel it coming in my bones. Now for some unknown reason my daughter has cut me, her father, her siblings and who knows who else out of her life and won’t talk or communicate. Out of the blue. We have no idea what on earth is going on. Also my ex father-in-law died and now my mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer today via results from a lung biopsy. She doesn’t know yet. Mike and his brothers and sister are going over there tomorrow to tell her. She had breast cancer on the same side about fifteen years ago treated with a lumpectomy and radiation. All her checkups and mammograms have been clear. I am just sick over this. She’s been sad, irritable and depressed for four years since her husband , Jerry, died of liver cancer. They’re going to get her a PET scan and battery of tests to find out just how progressed it is. I wish there was something I could do. 
I feel SO SAD and awful.




Saturday, February 1

You always hurt the one you love

So now we’re going out to buy a new big TV. The old one stopped working two weeks ago. This has been a giant pain in the ass the last two weeks.

We ended up buying a 65” Sony 4K at Costco.

We’re supposed to go to Brian & Michelle’s 30th anniversary party tonight. I’m not feeling well and didn’t sleep last night. I still have this tickle cough in my bronchial tubes. I just used my nebulizer. 

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