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Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 23

Start each day as a new beginning




I have put my shield up to protect me from all the negativity and drama. I’m holding my blessings up to radiate and infiltrate others who are lacking. I feel strong, happy and alive.

I went for my pool exercise at 6:30 and then took Bitzi for a walk. I’m going to go to the store in a bit.

12:55 The snow mounds are melting and it’s very sunny outside. My kids are still arguing. There’s just a lot of bitterness, jealousy, betrayal, heartache between the four now. If their father had made the will out differently most of this could have been avoided. It’s a mess and I’m not legally involved but I am emotionally wound up in this, trying not to take sides.

I’ve had Bitzi outside for several walks 

Monday, February 22

Monday 4:56 am

It’s very early morning. I woke up due to Mike snoring and couldn’t get back to sleep. There are so many things to think and worry about. I just read that we’ve reached 500,000 Covid-19 deaths in the US ( Reuters)and Dr. Fauci said the pandemic may continue into 2022(People). Pretty depressing news. No wonder there are so many people with anxiety and depression. This is day two of me trying to snap out of it and get back on track with my eating and exercise. Due to what’s going on with the kids and the funeral Friday I’ll need to keep myself on a short leash emotionally and focus on positives. It may sound weird but that’s my plan. I’m going to the pool this morning early, have shopping to do and will take several walks. Mike is swamped with work and busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest so I can’t depend on him for comfort or to vent to. He’s not very warm and fuzzy like that anyway. He always insists I quit being a wuss. He’s right, of course. 

I’m drinking my coffee, trying to wake up. I’m only eating between noon and 6pm and then limited carbs. My gut feels better on this system. I have more energy and focus. I started getting off track in January a little here and there but then it snowballed and I was eating bullshit again so now am getting back on my better habits. Food is medicine to fuel and heal your body. I am lucky to still be alive. I have to take care of my body the best I can. I cannot let my emotions sabotage my health. I have a crazy amount of sub jobs available to me. Most of the area schools are back to in-person or hybrid learning. There were twenty-four available jobs for today. I’m not accepting any in person sub jobs until two weeks after I’ve had the second vaccine. March 9 would be the earliest date I could have it but I haven’t gotten an email yet to schedule it. Mike got his five days after me and they already set his second vaccine appointment. He got his here at Sun City and got the Pfizer. It got the Moderna through my school district, so still waiting to schedule my second dose. 

Besides the stage four colon cancer, my ex husband also had a couple serious blood clots the doctors were concerned about. One by his heart and one in his leg. Supposedly he’d been doing better with his chemo treatments, gained a bit of weight back, more energy and doing better. The night before he died he fell on the ice when he got home from the sale barn and told his mother and our son he was just tired and wanted to go to bed. The next morning he got up and got dressed to go to the sale barn and just fell over on his bed and died. My son found him a couple hours after he died. I bet one of those clots got him. My kids are all now dealing with all this stuff. He had cattle in Missouri and Nebraska and locally. What a huge mess. You just never know. Life is short and you should never assume you have another day. I need to be as loving, giving, joyful and grateful as I can be every single day for the rest of my life.





















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7:37




Monday, June 8

Starting the next chapter

7:17am Monday, June 8,2020

I've been up about an hour. I took a nice long peaceful shower, got dressed, took the puppy out, fed her, cleaned up the kitchen and living room, filled the dishwasher and turned it on, took stuff out to the recycling bin in the garage, wiped the kitchen counters down and gave the dog a bath in the utility sink in the laundry  room. I toweled her off but she's in her crate now shivering lying on her blanket on the pad trying to dry off. My granddaughters Lola & Henna are still sleeping. 

Mike just got up a few minutes ago. Yesterday he went and played 9 holes of golf with his son Casey at Old Wayne in West Chicago. It's a private club with beautiful huge stately oak trees. Mike used to have a membership there but hasn't for around 9 years. His mom& dad used to live next to the course. He and his dad used to play there. I thought it was a little weird since we have a golf course right here in Sun City but I think maybe in Mikes mind it's like a family legacy thing in honor of his father. Whatever floats your boat. He's taking his son and his nephew. I'm assuming one day he'll be taking Jackson his new grandson. His daughter Shannon had Jackson in March. We've only seen him in person once. Michael always seemed to consider he wasn't a " real grandpa" before because the kids were from my children and he only saw them a couple times a year. I see them more frequently as I go to see them on my own. Now one of his own kids has reproduced but he's still a bit backward in embracing the grandpa concept. He jokes around a lot with the kids and does things for them, don't get me wrong. He isn't a pissy grouchy old goat like my grandpa Goulding was. 

I had mentioned to the girls we might drive up to Lake Geneva Wisconsin today but they obviously forgot as they're still sleeping. Lake Geneva is only 30 minutes away straight north on route 47. 

8:04am  the puppy, Bitzi, was trembling so bad from her bath ( even though I toweled her off) Mike was worried about her shivering in her crate ( she weighs about three pounds now) so I took her out and wrapped her in a towel and Mike used my blow drier on her gently as I held her. I have her on my lap in the front room now swaddled in her little baby blanket from the breeder. She's falling asleep after all that. 


The girls are up now. I'm doing laundry and have some Pillsbury orange cinnamon rolls in the oven. Lola found some Starbucks instant latte packets in the cabinet someone gave me and I never used so she fixed herself one. She will be fourteen on November 11 ( my birthday ) and she's going into eigth grade and Hennessy is going in to  first grade.

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Tuesday 10:19am

I just read the above post from yesterday and discovered several typos and grammatical errors and corrected them, cringing and feeling horrified. I really need to stop pecking with one finger so quickly and hit publish before proofreading my stuff. Gaaaah! Damn it all.

I forgot my bag in Lewistown Sunday and will get it next weekend when I take the girls back and pick up the boys and bring them back. I left my IPad in my bag so am just using my phone this week, as if I wasn't screwy enough.

Hennessy & Lola at Lake Geneva yesterday 








Arlo and Milo in Lewistown Friday 






7:58pm Tuesday night

The girls are getting their baths. It's been raining and there's a storm watch until midnight. I'm trying to think of things to do with the girls until Saturday....

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