Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience. Show all posts

Thursday, February 25

Ten tricks to stay positive

Now in February 2021 the world has been living with, fighting, learning about and worrying over Covid-19. I keep reading all the stories of students in emotional crisis failing at school, the large increase in depression and drug use. Many people  are feeling frustrated and hopeless as the months wear on, with no end or return to normal in sight. 

Because of my abusive first marriage and cancer experiences I’ve learned what helps me to fight off depression. During my cancer treatment I was on antidepressants for several months and saw a counselor for many years. Now I can recognize the signs and symptoms in myself that depression is starting to creep in and I have a bag of tricks I use to stay out of the mood ditch. Here are ten of my favorite go-to tools:
  1. Walk away from whatever it is that’s triggering you. Get your shoes on ( I LOVE my Skechers Go Walk shoes) and take a thirty or more minute brisk walk. Breathe deeply and pump your arms as you take long strides. If you go fast enough the boogie man won’t catch you. Walking outside in nature works best for me but you can go walk through Costco or a mall too! I usually go walk outside with my little ShihTzu puppy, Bitzi, with my disco fever playlist playing through my adorable little EWA Bluetooth speaker. It has great sounds and the quick tempo disco tunes keep me going and raise my spirits. 
  2. Water helps wash away my anxiety. I feel like it cleanses my soul. I like water aerobics or swimming or just floating. I also love a nice hot rejuvenating bath. ( Give yourself a fabulous spa treatment!) Water really works for me and it probably will help you as well.
  3. It helps me a lot to read ( often out loud to myself) Buddha quotes and other positive affirmations. Sometimes I print them out and stick them up to continually remind me of good thoughts that will heighten my spirits.
  4. Plan something special to do. Go visit a friend or a relative. Cook a special recipe. Write long letters. Plan to give yourself a pedicure or new hair style. Shake things up and dust off your sedentary glumness. Make plans for something different!
  5. Talk it out. Call up your oldest, best, truest heart-to- heart friend and just spill your guts. Catch up on what’s going on, vent, cry, laugh and just rebound with an old friend. It’s very restorative after all these months of trying to quarantine. Just DO IT. You’ll be so glad you did. 
  6. When I’m feeling blue being around animals really helps me feel better. Walking a dog, playing with a cat, brushing a horse, holding a chicken - any of those will work.
  7. One of my favorite things to do is take a nice long drive by myself and sing some of my favorite songs. It feels very relaxing and therapeutic. A lot of the old songs bring back so many wonderful memories. 
  8. Make a list of all the good blessings in your life. Carry it with you and take it out and read it often.
  9. Make a list of the things you will accomplish today, tomorrow, next week, next month. Check them off when they’re completed. 
  10. Each  day I look up at the sky and thank the great creator for my  life.I’m still here and alive after all these years and a few near-death experiences. . Usually I do my thanking floating on my back in the pool but you can do it anywhere. This one really helps uplift my spirit! 
  11. Okay I said I’d give you ten but I also thought of something that’s very important to me. If I’m mindful of what I eat and drink I feel better. I honestly am a stress eater and tend to binge on carbs & junk food when I’m feeling sad but that only makes me feel worse ultimately. It raises your blood sugar and can cause you to bloat, feel guilty and maybe even worse. Try to think of food as fuel and not comfort or a sedative. Eat healthy and you’ll feel better. Get some good nutritious food in you.
Despite these coping tools I have I still having be on guard and try to keep my protective bubble. The last several months there has been a lot of drama going on in my family. Adding that in with the election, the insurrection, the quarantine and rising Covid-19 numbers and all the dreadful news it has been hard staying on the rails. You just have to try to get up every day and find whatever good you can. 

Tuesday, February 23

Start each day as a new beginning

I have put my shield up to protect me from all the negativity and drama. I’m holding my blessings up to radiate and infiltrate others who are lacking. I feel strong, happy and alive.

I went for my pool exercise at 6:30 and then took Bitzi for a walk. I’m going to go to the store in a bit.

12:55 The snow mounds are melting and it’s very sunny outside. My kids are still arguing. There’s just a lot of bitterness, jealousy, betrayal, heartache between the four now. If their father had made the will out differently most of this could have been avoided. It’s a mess and I’m not legally involved but I am emotionally wound up in this, trying not to take sides.

I’ve had Bitzi outside for several walks 

Saturday, January 30

Waiting for the storm to hit

The sun is shining and it’s cold outside but not nose hair freezing cold. We are supposed to get a big snowstorm of up to nine inches starting this afternoon and continuing until Sunday night. I hope it will be this winter’s last hurrah. I’ve been up for a while and unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, wiped the counters and stove, fed and took Bitzi outside to pee. Mike just got up and is watching the morning news. He said he’s lost ten pounds. I’ve noticed he’s eating less and reducing his carbs. He’s been on diabetes medicine about five years but never checks his blood sugar and until recently has never watched his carb intake. He also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gout and two painful shoulders that surely need replacement surgery. I’m sure he has sleep apnea. He won’t ever listen or go to the doctor. I’m living with an exhausted surly grouch-ass bear. There is no playful puppy left. I hope if he continues watching what he eats things will improve. He never exercises or will go for a walk or swim with me. He’s just stuck at his laptop or the TV all the time. It does zero good to try to talk about it with him. He just gets mad and defensive. It is what it is. No one can change anyone else. They have to want it. He has the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever known but he also is very gruff. He’s a combination of Lou GrantLou Grant and Andy Sypowicz Sipowicz  a scary  teddy bear. 

I’m going to try to go walk Bitzi as much as I can before the storm hits. I was feeling kind of yucky again last night and my mild sore throat / sinus junk came back. It seems like I’ve been trying to come down with something. I had that horrible digestive ick a couple days ago.

My old friend from high school,Echo,  has yet another skin cancer spot on her back that needs to be surgically removed. She’s had about ten removed so far from all over her body. She used tanning beds for years in her twenties and thirties and now the damage is done. She has had one hell of a time the last several years. 

5 years ago today ( after my stem cell transplant) 

And this morning .....

Saturday, September 19

Patience and love

10:20am Saturday

I just came back from a long walk with the dog. Its very brisk but sunny out there. Mike and I have been discussing and confirming details of the proposed kitchen remodel and new flooring installation. 
Yesterday I had two accidents in the kitchen: first I dropped brownie batter everywhere and in trying to clean it up dropped and shattered a glass loaf pan. I was crying and cursing as Mike worked in his back office unaware of the catastrophe. I cleaned it up with paper towels, brooms and a hand rush. Then I vacuumed and Swiffered thinking Ig gotten it at. This morning in the bright light with better eyesight Mike has found several more shards of glass and is vacuuming thoroughly again. That Pyrex pan just shattered in a million pieces. We don't need to step on one or have the dog try to eat one. Metal pans from now on. I am Mr. Bean.

We're going to a flooring store in a little while then to St. Charles to visit Mikes mom Annette. 

I took Bitzi on a bike ride and I’ve been doing some work in the kitchen. I just got information in the mail to sign up for my retirement dental and vision insurance program. For some reason I thought it was a part of the medical insurance package but upon investigation it is not. This whole retiring during the pandemic sucks. No reception, dinner, party, celebration. Practically no help or assistance from HR or TRS. It’s sink or swim bitches....

Monday, August 31

Weird Monday

8:06am It’s weird that it’s Monday and Mike’s not getting ready to start working. He’s got the whole week off. In a couple hours we’re taking Bitzi over to Annettes in St. Charles to stay until Thursday while we’re in Lake Geneva. She’s excited to watch Bitzi after losing her dog last week. Bitzi is very good and I’m sure they’ll do great together. I haven’t packed my bag yet so need to do that. Yesterday I didn’t feel well and pretty much sat around all day. I took a big nap in bed in the afternoon and watched The Birdcage on my iPad. I think the ragweed pollen is bothering my head because I felt pretty tired, dizzy and my sinuses felt pretty weird. I also had some digestive blockage going on so took some stuff for that. I’m better today and slept really well all night. It’s been chilly the last couple mornings and I’ve had to put a jacket on to take the dog out. For some reason I’m feeling kind of glum and sad today. I’m not really sure why. Stuff with my kids probably. They’re all adults with lives and I just need to not worry and give it to God. Nothings wrong that I’m aware of, I just worry when I don’t hear from them for a while. I must have faith and quit wondering worrying. Worrying helps no one. I’m going to go take a shower and resolve to have a good fun positive day. 

Oscar is 8 today!

3:28 We're at the resort now and weee able to check in to our unit early. It looks like it's getting ready to storm soon. Mike wants to go to Elkhorn tomorrow to see what it's like and also check out Kettle Moraine Forest. Trump is supposed to visit Elkhorn tomorrow even though both the mayor and governor asked him not to come......

Friday, August 7

Go day

6:20 am 

I’m on my first coffee. I’m trying to be quiet. Mike just got up. It’s our twenty-first anniversary today. We have nothing special planned. He got me a card. I haven’t even opened it yet. I got him nothing. He doesn’t like gifts.

Mike has to work today. I’m pretty sure he’s going to work and hang on as long as he can. He says he loves his job but it’s changing beneath him all the time. 

I’m driving the four grandkids back to Canton and maybe seeing my sisters. Depending on Vicki’s condition, I may stay over or I may drive back home. If I come back home I’ll go into clean up and recovery mode and then just relax. Tomorrow is a big birthday party for our neighbor’s  100th birthday. John is a WW II navy / coast guard veteran.  He and his wife Fran are pretty cool.

I’ve been waiting until the end of summertime go get my car washed, waxed and detailed. There was no point to it while hauling the kids around. Maybe next week. 

I can hear my faint wheezing peeping squeaking from my lungs when I exhale. I have been feeling a bit more uncomfortable and mildly congested at night. Although I have no diagnosed pollen allergies I react to something in the air at the end of summer/ beginning of fall. Usually a couple weeks in to the school year is when it gets cranked up. The mold spores disputed into the air from the falling leaves maybe.

I’m leaving Bitzi home. If I do have to go to OSF hospital and see Vicki I can’t take a dog in and she can’t just stay in the car. Mike can tend her. He usually takes a break and walks around the house every so often. 

All the scheduled times to use the big indoor pool next week are already taken. They make the time slots for the following week available online at 9 am every Wednesday. I forgot about it until last night but every slot is full. I suppose I’ll try the outdoor pool. Mike never goes with me. Never to the pool, fitness center, on walks. People assume I’m a widow. It’s just the way it is.

I took the dog out. Lately when I take her out she’s too distracted by looking at stuff, finding sticks to eat, sniffing, digging in the dirt to get down to business and pee. I take her out numerous times a day on walks. Mike takes her out around 9pm and then again around 12am. We take her food and water away about 8pm. She still isn’t allowed to roam free in the house because she’s peed on rugs a few times. She has an 8- panel portable wire puppy pen and a dog crate. She’s in the crate from around 9pm-6am with a couple outings to go pee. She’s five months old now. In another month she might come in heat. I haven’t decided yet whether to spay her or let her have a litter of puppies. The vet said I should wait until she’s 18 months old to breed her. She’s probably not going to weigh 10 pounds when she’s fully grown. I would have to find a similar-sized suitable male. Just not even sure I want to but there’s still a lot of time to decide.

6:42 I’m back home and exhausted. I drove all the way down and back. Vicki is not in an acute condition or in the hospital so I didn’t stay. The kids are back home. My skin biopsies were  all benign. Thank God. 

Saturday, June 13


9:42pm Saturday   I drove the girls back home to Norris then picked up the boys in Lewistown then drove back home. I’m really tired from driving. 

10:49   The boys are in bed. I soaked in the hot tub and exfoliated and put Eucerin on my dry skin. My achiness is better. This week I'm going to take the boys fishing, to the garden, walking the paths of Sun City, to Lake Geneva and shopping. Boys have less drama than girls. 

Wednesday, May 13

Grin and bear it

7:39am. I’ve been up for about ninety minutes. Mike went for physical therapy on his shoulders ( first time). The office is about a mile away from our house -very convenient. He has been having pain and loss of motion in his shoulder sockets for some time and I’ve been nagging him to get it taken care of. 

I have a bunch of back-to-back zoom private 5th grade lessons today between noon and four. Next week will be my last week doing these. The last day of school is May 26. Hurray!

I’m intending to drive down to Lewistown, Canton, Norris Friday and visit my family briefly and drive back home. I haven’t been down there since December. It will be good to take a nice drive and give Mike a break away from me. 👹 The weather is supposed to be really nice. I’m getting my car serviced today with an oil change, tire rotation and new batterie in my fob. I really love driving that car. So nice.

I had a phone interview yesterday with a lady in the home office in Nebraska for Resort Lifestyles Communities Inc. They have an opening for the lifestyle director at a new facility ( Huntley Springs) only about a mile from my house. It’s a 55+ resort all-inclusive community ( all apartments and condos) it is not part of the Sun City community in Huntley where I live.  The phone interview went pretty well I thought and now the site manager is going to call me. They’re going to have to raise the pay higher than the lady on the phone mentioned yesterday for me to even consider it. I don’t know how much wiggle room is there but considering the price the residents pay to stay there I’d say they ought to be able to go much higher. I just was sick of all the hoops and bullshit that have developed with teaching the last few years. Also I am not going to go on being exposed to all those kid germs and being sick constantly. Now that I’ve been out of the schools for a couple months I’m feeling better than I have in a long time. 

10:03. We took my car over to the mechanic and dropped it off. In a couple hours Mike will drive his Tahoe over there and leave it to be serviced and drive my car home then later this afternoon we’ll go get the Tahoe. Both were well overdue for an oil change.

I’ve been tending some sourdough starter for a couple weeks now and have gotten over it so used it all putting it into bread dough. I didn’t follow a recipe I was just free stylin as I usually do. I kneaded for a long time and added some olive oil to it. Now it’s in a big covered bowl on the stove for its first rise. It will either turn out good or suck big time. I like improvising when I cook. It gives an added element of excitement and anticipation for me. Some women have told me they ALWAYS follow recipes exactly. That’s just boring to me. I always have to jazz things up. I do read recipes to get general ideas though.

I just heard another bird hit the window. There are lots of birds around here. Mike hates them. I love them. He doesn’t want any filthy creatures around the house. I just roll my eyes and ignore it. 

10:17 I’m going out for a walk before I have to start teaching. Trying to keep a calm, positive demeanor

4:51pm So only one kid out of six didn’t show up for her Zoom lesson. Not as bad as usual.

8:50 pm  My bread turned out shitty, very dense and biscuit-like. I threw it away. You win some you lose some.

Monday, April 27

Sleep drunk


I fell asleep on the couch last night and slept for hours. When I woke I was uncomfortable and felt groggy as I staggered to the bathroom then climbed in bed then cuddled up to soundly sleeping Michael. We’ve been watching the TV series Ozark on Netflix. It’s kind of dark, funny, creepy. There are three seasons and we fell asleep on the first episode. I have five Zoom lessons this afternoon if they show up and remember. 

8:49 pm

I went to two stores and the post office today. It felt good to get out and drive. I had five Zoom private lessons.I made salsa verde.

Saturday, March 28

Rain on the roof


I’ve been up for quite a while. I couldn’t get back to sleep and laid there tossing and turning, bothering Michael so I finally got up, put on my tone and slippers, washed my face, took out my retainers, brushed my teeth and came out to the kitchen and made myself a coffee with milk and cinnamon in it. I can hear the heavy rain on the roof and the gentle growl of thunder. I think it’s supposed to rain all day and night and into tomorrow.

This whole pandemic is like some weird bell tolling in my mind. I keep thinking of the principal of naturally occurring forest fires supposing to be nature’s way to clear the way for new growth. Is that the same deal as pandemics?Ive become so troubled watching the news with increasing numbers of deaths across the world. It’s very hard not to get bugged out by it. I’ve been trying hard to not let it get to me.

Yesterday Mike got an email from his company notifying all employees that effective immediately there would be an across the board 15% salary cut. About nine years ago it was a 20% cut so Mikes now down 35% of where his salary should be. Plus lately he’s working from home and having a lot more to do and longer hours. Frankly I’m surprised the paper’s still in business. They’ve been making cut after cut for years but at the same time buying up lots of smaller downstate newspapers. I call bullshit. Mike also has a dear old friend who’s on the edge of death. Yesterday was not a good day. The rain is now pelting down harder and louder.

Most  all of the day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I did technology training for distance learning. The platform the district has been using and pushing us to use and training us on ( well one of them) is called Zoom. It’s a free video conferencing app. As of last night at 6 pm we were told NOT to use it with our students due to liability matters with minors. I’ve already used it with a few students. Some teachers have built their whole distance learning units around it. Fucking swell guys.

Mike’s mother had her single brain tumor radiation treatment Wednesday from a gamma knife technology procedure. Evidently the cancer detected in the lower back of her brain was super tiny so it was just a one shot and done. In a week or so she’ll start going for her immunotherapy infusion treatments for the lung and lymph node cancer. Mike and his siblings are taking turns taking her. I haven’t been out to visit anyone or go inside any stores in a couple weeks. My immune system still isn’t strong or normal. We have about 90 confirmed cases of the virus in our county and 8 deaths so far. I’ve been going for walks every day so I get out of the house and don’t completely lose my shit. I’ll greet or chat with neighbors and passersby from a distance as I’m walking. The rain is slowing down now and dwindling off. There is a relaxed soft trickle sound of water out the front sitting room window. 

In the last week several the neighbors around us have had their landscape companies come and do their spring yard opening clean up and prep- remove branches and leaves, re-edge the flower beds, mow, mulch. Most of the neighbors in our 55+ community use landscapers. None of the yards are very big. Most of them also hire snow removal services. We do not. Yet. So anyway, the yards on either side of our house look all spruced up. Ours is not but it’s not bad. I walked around and inspected it yesterday looking for flowers coming up. 

Mike said his daughter is now having pretty bad postpartum depression and Justin, her husband, and Coleen, her mother, have been helping a lot with the baby. I have never been very close with her. She hasn’t let me and I haven’t pushed it. I try to be nice in a gentle way. Not pushy. I hope it gets better for her. 

Now I don’t hear any rain, just the high-pitched squeal and whoosh of the furnace in the laundry room. It’s taken some getting used to living in a house all on one floor with no basement. It is easier to take care of though. We got rid of a ton  of stuff when we moved. Our old house had a large finished basement and we accumulated so much stuff over the years.

Birds have woken up and are chirping away outside. I love birds. There is a wetland / marsh area behind down the hill from our yard and a park across the street with lots of tall stately oak trees so there are a lot of places for wildlife to live nearby. We seem to have a LOT of birds here. When we moved here birds had a big nest in our exhaust vent on the side of the house. You could hear them scratching around in there and going in and out. Pretty creepy. We put a screen up to prevent them from doing it. Every once in a while you can hear them scratching at it trying to get in. They frequently fly into a window too. 

So I have to fill out my TRS retirement forms, scan them and send them in this weekend. I also have to scan our 2016 income tax return because I was on disability due to my stem cell transplant that year and TRS needs that or I won’t start getting my pension. Also, due to Covid-19, there is not any school district retirees banquet planned. Yeah this all blows big time. Oh well.... onward and upward.

Fire And Rain
Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Won't you look down upon me, jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Been walking

Thursday, March 19

Stir Crazy

As I’ve mentioned before , all through the month of December I kept having this feeling that something BIG was coming. That feeling just kept bugging me. It felt like it was something that would be at least partly bad. And now here we are in the world’s current situation.....

I got to talk to my granddaughter yesterday so that makes me feel better.

My stepdaughter is having her baby tomorrow morning. A boy named Jackson, at least 10 pounds.

I went for a walk in the park across the street this morning before it started raining. Now it’s raining, chilly and foggy.

3:04pm    It’s still raining and chilly outside. Mike is hold up in the office working away. 

Wednesday, January 1

The fun never ends

So this is the first day of 2020. We are sitting around like bumps on a log. I finished the laundry, tidied up the house, made poached eggs and toast. In continuing to try to check on my oldest daughter yesterday she lashed out at me pretty bad in an overly harsh way. I’m leaving her alone to stew in her own miserable juices but now I’m even more worried. I have no idea but obviously whatever is wrong she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s 37 and can take care of herself. Happy f-ing  new year. The fun just never ends....

6:05 pm

We went to mike’s mother Annette’s this afternoon and then to a couple stores and then had a late lunch at Portillo’s. We’re trying to set up an appointment to take her to look at another Sun City house Sunday afternoon. She’s turned up her nose at all the others we’ve taken her to look at. Oh well, one more house to look at. 
Mike and I are going to Lake Geneva Friday for two nights and coming home Sunday morning. Tomorrow I’m going back to our Sun City lodge pool and spa.
No word from my older daughter, not that I expected it..... My younger daughter is much more easy going.

You teach people how to treat you. I’m not taking any more shit off anyone. 

Tuesday, December 31

Good old country comfort

It’s a hazy, overcast morning. There’s snow on the ground but the wind isn’t blowing like it was last night. Mike is getting ready to leave for work. He wakes up slowly. I stay out of his way and don’t mess around with him. Any other time I tease him and mess with him but not in the morning. It’s just not productive.

Something is going on with my left eye. Yesterday afternoon it started watering and itching and feeling funny. I thought the was a hair or lash in my eye. It hurt a little and the lower lid looked swollen. That’s the one that had the detached retina. Both eyes are damaged from the lymphoma tumors. During the night I woke up twice with the left eye matted shut with goo. This morning I washed it out and used some steroid eye drops I had. It feels better now but it’s still not back to normal. It’s always something. It’s like my body is a used car with 300,000 miles on all original equipment. Stuff is going to break down and need fixed or duct taped to hold it together. A lot of people around my age have been having joint replacement surgeries. Amazing what they can do now!

We have an inch or two of snow on the ground. Not a big deal. Mike has announced several times he’s going out to shovel in a few minutes. Okay....

My head feels kind of weird. I guess it’s my sinuses and the dry air from the heat being on. Who know? It’s not always the boogey man. I’m on coffee number two. 


I just went out and helped Mike shovel. He’s still out there because he’s OCD. The driveway is clear, it’s all melting and we both have 4WD vehicles. Good enough is good enough. I just walk away when he starts getting OCD cranked up like his mother. And she drives him nuts with it!

Testing testing testing

I’m trying to figure out how to work this Amazon Affiliate business in a way that I can easily manage.  Discount birdbath!  I hope I’m doing...