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Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts

Friday, June 5


7:39pm Friday   I’m in Lewistown watching my grandsons. The three year old is pretty difficult. I’m exhausted. I have the puppy with me, trying desperately to continue her potty training. It’s hard with the kids, in strange surroundings for the puppy. I forgot to bring her bells she rings when she needs to go out. My daughter Sarah talked to her dads oncologist regarding his biopsy report and prognosis. It’s bad and very grave. His colon cancer has spread to the adrenal glands, lungs and other places. My sons, who work the farm, have been at bitter odds for some time which makes the situation much much worse. Sarah is trying to take care of her dad. He’s very sick and weak. He’s going to get worse quickly. My oldest daughter has been struggling for months. I think a lot of it is her marriage. I’m picking up her girls, my granddaughters, tomorrow and taking them home with me for a week so she can go to Evansville with her husband where he’s working a construction job. It’s a very difficult time for my family. Some of this stuff I can’t talk to my husband about. He tends to be too gruff and inflexible. Life  isn’t a straight line, plainly black and white, right or wrong. Shit happens. Sometimes really bad shit happens... My heart has so many many strings attached to it. Sarah has been sobbing a few times today. I am trying SO HARD to help but still feel helpless. 

Im still really sore from working in the garden. I feel as if I’ve been beaten with hammers. I took a shower but it didnt help. 

Wednesday, March 11


5:29 pm Wednesday

It has been gloomy, foggy, misty all day. It was a somewhat frustrating workday. We are supposed to be administering this mandatory written and playing tests to all of our band students but they also have other academic testing going on that we, of course, are not informed about in advance so some of my students were missing. The ones who did come we’re fine but I was frustrated and just wanting to get it done. Also now there is all this media coverage of impending doom from the exponentially spreading corona virus. I finish with my lessons and get ready to leave to travel to my second school but I decide I’ll go use the staff restroom down the hall but discover it’s locked with another teacher occupying it so I just went around the corner to pop into the girl students restroom and open the door to the back stall to discover some little girl has pooped numerous turds all around the toilet seat in a symmetrical artful fashion, as if one were decorating the top of a cake. Horrified, I return to my lesson room, notify the office of the poop catastrophe via intercom, gather my things and leave feeling disturbed and rattled.
At my next school I was in the middle of teaching four wild fifth grade trumpet boys when the fire alarm went off. The entire building evacuated and stood shivering on the playground. Four fire trucks and a police car came speeding down the street in front of the screaming children with their sirens on. After an unbearable amount of  time the secretary came on over the load speaker thanking everyone for their fast response for the fire drill. Then it was time for dismissal so I accomplished nothing.

When I got back home and went to our community’s main lodge and voted early for the primary. 

I remember in December I had strange feeling or premonition that something big and bad was coming. I had no idea what it was but kept feeling it. I chalked it to being a worry wart at the time. Since then my mother-in- law has been diagnosed with lung and brain cancer, my oldest daughter hasn’t need talking to any of us family ( have no clue why), my ex- husband is critically ill, and now we are in a pandemic emergency over the spreading corona virus. I felt this big awful tidal wave approaching but it wasn’t clear.

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