Wednesday’s child is full of woe

It’s 7:18am on Wednesday. Wednesday is trash day. We’ve gathered all the trash and recycling and taken the cans out to the curb. I’m drinking hot chocolate. Later today I’m supposed to go to a neighbor ladies lunch. I don’t feel like going.

The situation with Mike’s mother has gotten much worse. I don’t know how she is hanging on and still alive. When we went over there Monday the situation was so grim. She can’t use the left side of her body. She can’t lift her head. She can barely speak a whispery word or two. Her face is all sunken in. She looks way worse than my mother did when she died. It brings back all these horrible memories for me. Annette is in no pain at all. I couldn’t go over there yesterday. Mike went without me. I pray she passes over soon. It’s so terribly sad. It’s like some huge death cloud hanging over. 

Waiting

Mike’s mom is being released from the hospital this afternoon and will be going home to a hospital bed, hospice care and a full-time caregiver. She’s 85 has stage 4 lung cancer and a brain tumor bleed that is inoperable. Mike has been at the hospital with her about 14 hours a day the last several days. It’s just a matter of time with her and the goal is to keep her as comfortable as possible. They have a very large family so Mike has a constant stream of calls and texts since he is the power of attorney. This has been going on for months but it’s ramped way up the last couple weeks since his mom has gotten so bad. 

Tuesday

It’s early afternoon. I had a neighbor ladies’ group breakfast this morning at a nearby cafe. It was a nice time. It’s chillier out today, overcast and starting to rain. Being February I can’t really complain. I sill am feeling symptoms of the cold I’ve had for two weeks.

Good Day, Sunshine

Good day.  The sun is shining brightly on the frigid land outside. It’s much better than overcast gloom, even if it is terrible cold. Also, the wind isn’t blowing so that helps, too. I just did a nice water aerobics class at the lodge. It felt good. Afterward I showered and blew my hair dry. Mike took Bitzi to the groomer. She looks nice. She’s always really tired the rest of the day after grooming for some reason. In a couple hours I’m going to Culver’s because it’s neighbor ladies ice cream social day. We just meet up at 2 o’clock, order whatever we want, push tables together and sit and visit. It’s nice and casual. Some people stay a little while, some people stay a long time. Whatever works. I’m probably going back to the lodge to work out later. The pool class was fun but it wasn’t hard cardio like I’m supposed to be doing. I subbed yesterday and had to walk a lot so was too tired to go to the gym last night. Mike is going to the dentist in a while. He hasn’t been to a dentist in a long time and he’s going to a new dentist today. 

My body is starting to feel different with all this extra exercise the last few months. My legs, thighs, abs and back are starting to feel firmer and more solid. I know I’m building muscle. I’ve lost some weight but not a lot. All in good time. Baby steps………..If you build it, they will come…..I have much been endurance and strength than a couple months ago, that’s for sure. 

Angels watching over me

It’s morning coffee time. In a few minutes I’ll go get dressed, take the dog out to pee and go to cardiac rehab at the hospital campus. I only have four days this week and I’m done completely on Thursday. Friday I’m subbing after having taken a break since early September. After I get back home from rehab I’m riding along with Michael to go to St.Charles and take his mom to Bloomingdale for her CT scan and brain MRI. The doctor had stopped her chemo weeks ago as her cancer had progressed.  The only option left is stronger chemo and she is already depressed, angry, exhausted and has increasing bouts of memory loss. Mike is her power of attorney and the situation has been really draining on him. He is just recently over Covid and I can tell he’s still very tired from it. So I’m going along to help support them both. I’d better get going. More later.

4:20. We’ve been home for a while and I took Bitzi for a brisk walk around the lagoon just now. We got the results of Mike’s mom’s scans she had this morning. The news isn’t good. The cancer in her lung and brain are growing. Mike and his mom have a phone appointment with her oncologist Wednesday morning to talk about it. Mike has been trying to reach his siblings to talk about this. I feel bad for all of them. I’ve been through it with my mom and myself and is just awful. I can’t even imagine how on earth I’m still alive. I’ve always known there are angels watching over and helping me. No kidding. I just hope there are angels for Annette too. 

I’m reading this book now. It’s pretty good. It actually makes a lot of sense if you can get past the adolescent humor and redundancy. Basically a good read.

After the scans and taking Annette home we stopped at Portillo in Elgin for lunch. I know I sound like some old dried up codger but I cannot believe how expensive everything is now. It’s crazy! I brought most of my Italian beef home. It will be good tomorrow.

Fair weather Friends

It’s Saturday morning. I had a great night’s sleep and made a couple waffles with the end of the mix in the Bisquick box. When they were done I sprinkled the three waffles with a little powdered sugar. On my small waffle I put peanut butter, some mixed berries and a drizzle of syrup. It was perfect with my coffee. I tidied up the house a bit and then took Bitzi on a 1.7 mile brisk walk. Being January in northern Illinois, it’s pretty cold out. I wore a heavier coat with a separate hat, my gloves and my fuzzy hood up most of the time but started sweating after about 20 minutes and took my hood off for a while but then put it back on at the end. Bitzi is so small but she does okay on our walks. She has lots of energy!  She of course wants to stop and sniff and do her mini pees a million times. She has really helped get me walking more though. Dog walking, the heart attack and cardiac rehab have really got me much more physically active. 

I have four more sessions  to go and then I “graduate” from cardiac rehab. It’s been a very good experience. It’s a bit embarrassing that it took a friggin heart attack to wake me up and get me moving toward a healthier lifestyle but now I’m very grateful to be doing better and feeling better. The daily vigorous ( aka panting hard and sweating)  exercise is really improving my life.  I don’t know it for a fact but I feel like my immune system is getting stronger too. I’m amazed that Mike just got over covid and I didn’t get it being right here in the house with him. Normally I catch everything.

This is the time of year I like the least due to the prolonged days of dreary, overcast skies. I think of it as the “bucket of suck” season from mid January until the end of March. YUCK. I don’t really mind the cold or snow, just the gloomy skies. I still try to spend time outside in the fresh air every day. I have a lot of houseplants to tend, that gives me some sense of nature and growing. 

I just lost a lot of my text. This stupid keyboard is driving me crazy with it's jumping all over. Gaaaaaaah! 

Hot chocolate

The dog is crunching and slurping her food in the kitchen that I just gave her. I’m in the living room drinking hot chocolate by mistake. I grabbed the wrong pod. Mike is asleep in our bedroom. Is 6:18. He was feeling worse yesterday. I hope he got some good sleep. I stayed in the living room all night and I was coughing quite a lot. As far as I know I’m still Covid negative. I just normally cough a lot. Yesterday was a very quiet blah day. I’m assuming today will be the same. Mike talked to his mom twice on he phone yesterday. She’s getting worse with her dementia and moods and memory. She admitted to Mike that she stopped taking her antidepressants months ago ( no surprise). 

Hum of the dryer

It’s about noon on a Sunday. I’m doing a couple loads of laundry. I can hear the dryer humming away. I like doing laundry and making things clean and fresh.I took Bitzi out for a shor walk. It’s abrasively cold with the wind. I will take her for a longer walk later. 

We had leftovers for lunch. I practiced my clarinet for a while and test drove several reeds. The laundry is done. I’m reading a book on my kindle app. Somewhat interesting and I’ll continue. I have 9 more sessions of cardiac rehab left. I have a neighborhood ladies lunch Tuesday. Mike has Covid. I’m negative. I’m not sure how that works. 

Two thirds done

I’m now going to cardiac rehab workouts every day. I have twelve more to go before I’m done. Besides that I’m also walking with the dog every day.

Armadillo hide

Thank you for being here. It means a lot to me.

I do believe in continuing to learn and improve every day. My resolution is to be more positive about everything and everyone. I’m trying really hard to mute the snarky bitch and negative Nellie who lives in my brain. I already have the habit of being grateful for every day for all my blessings but I still need to be a lot better and I’m trying. I need to be a lot tougher and less sensitive. I need to ba an armadillo and not let things get to me. Who knows how long we have left? Over the holidays there have been two family members and three acquaintances die.shit is getting real. 

Thursday 29

Everyone is tired and sleepy today. Arlo(5) is up but doesn’t want to eat anything I offer him ( as usual) and I’m not letting him eat Cheetos for breakfast. Mike, Oscar & Milo are sleeping. They stayed up late. I fell asleep early last night and was knocked out and oblivious to everybody being up late. During the night I started having a lot of nasal draining and coughing and I had it when I woke up at 6. I called in and canceled my rehab session because I was coughing so much. Now I don’t go back until Tuesday. I’m halfway through, yesterday being my eighteenth session. 

I am careful who I trust. That may make me a bitch and that’s okay. In the past I’ve been used, betrayed and taken advantage of and I have my guard up against most people. It’s sad but I’m overly sensitive and I have to protect my feelings and my heart. I have a lot of casual, social friends but only a couple true heart friends.