Sunday, November 19
The situation in our home is strained due to my mother-in-law’s illness, hospice care, Mike being gone much more than normal, people constantly calling and texting him. This has been going on for many months and snowballing bigger and bigger. I’m trying to be helpful and supportive but staying out of the way. There’s a huge stream of people going to visit her the last several days. It’s too much for her weakened condition but it’s not my deal.
Saturday, January 28
Good morning. I’ve been awake for around an hour. I’ve read the morning papers, emails and social media feeds. I’ve saved a couple goji berry recipes to try and I’m finishing my coffee. Last night was a really good long sleep. I went to bed early. Yesterday I worked out in the pool and then in the evening used my exercise ball for a long time. This morning my muscles are reminding me they weren’t used to working like that.
This morning later I’m meeting a retired teacher friend for breakfast. We haven’t met to talk since November so there’ll be some good catching up. After that I have to walk my dog then go to the gym to work out. I have a new book I’ve started and I have music practice to do. Tomorrow we’re going to Aiden’s second birthday party in the afternoon so that should be nice.
I need to get going and tidy up around here, get dressed and take Bitzi out to pee. She’s curled up next to me on the couch keeping me warm and seems content for now. I love the snowy views out the windows. I love when things get magically coated with white, especially the trees. There is something noble about winer to me.
Yesterday in the pool I briefly floated on my back looking up at the skylights and it was wonderful and spiritual and I felt blessed to be alive. I had the tingly spiritual experience and a warm light washed over me. I hadn’t been to the pool in many weeks. I need to go more frequently. Obviously it has some intense recharging effect on me. Just keep swimming…
Last night I went to bed early because I was mad at Mike and thought he was being a mean grouch ass. It does me no good to try to challenge him or reason with him. He is always right. He always ping pongs my words back at me. The best strategy is always just to go silent and remove myself from the situation. I know he’s dealing with a lot with his mothers cancer now being untreatable. I get it. But I will not be talked to like that by anyone for any reason. What you allow will continue. Silence is often the best response. Silence says so much more than words most times.
Tuesday, January 24
The Sun is coming up. The quiet pastel display out of the front window is beautiful and awe inspiring. I love my mornings alone to read the newspapers on my iPad and sip my coffee.
I have to go get dressed and take Bitzi out to pee in a few minutes. Mike is still sleeping. He had a rough day yesterday with his mother’s latest test results. He’s dreading talking to her about it, talking with his siblings about it, talking with his mom and her oncologist tomorrow. It’s a difficult situation. I’ll just try to be as helpful and supportive as I can.
Monday, January 16
I’m sipping my coffee in the partial dark sitting on the couch in the living room. Mike and I both slept out here in recliners last night. I was coughing and draining really bad Saturday night and barely got any sleep. Mike has Covid and has bad coughing attacks too. Somehow my Covid tests have been negative. I have to go to another cardiac rehab session in a little over an hour. I have all this week and four days next week and then I’m done. I have to call and schedule an echocardiogram today to see if my heart squeezing capacity has improved. It was lowered due to my heart attack in September and I’m hoping it has recovered and improved. Fingers crossed.
My little grandson Oliver ( 18 months old) is sick with a bad ear infection. Poor little kid. He’s on medicine now and I sure hope it clears him up quick and he feels better. It’s so hard on everyone in the house when a little one is sick. One of my other grandsons, Waylon, is twelve today. It’s crazy how these kids are growing so fast. At times it seems a little surreal that we have twelve grandchildren. Wait- how can I possibly be this old? How did this happen in the blink of an eye?
Mike is sleeping siting up at the end of the couch. I can hear his relaxed breathing sounds and very faint snoring. The dog is sitting on my lap. I just fed her when I made my coffee. Her stomach is making loud squishy gurgling sounds. I’ll take her out to pee in a while before I leave for rehab. There are a couple patients a rehab who are younger than me. There is another woman but mos are older men. There are also pulmonary rehab patients there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those patients have portable oxygen tanks they pull around with them to the exercise machines. There are a couple twig people who are frighteningly emancipated who can only exercise for 8 minutes at a time and have to stop and check their blood sugars. I am certainly not the most I’ll person there. It’s been a learning, growing, useful experience, for sure. I’m going to actually miss it when I’m done and will have to continue the daily workouts on my own. That will be the challenge to keep it up.
My resolution for the year is to be more positive in all things with all people. I have this snarky negative cynical critical defensive troll inside my brain that causes me anxiety and prevents me from finding joy. I’m trying to allow my positive self to simply step in front of her and quiet her down. I am moving toward being a more positive and confident woman - but not one of those dreadfully pushy broads that drive me crazy. I want to never stop improving and learning and trying. If you do you just dry up and die.
Gotta go. More later.
Thursday, December 29
Everyone is tired and sleepy today. Arlo(5) is up but doesn’t want to eat anything I offer him ( as usual) and I’m not letting him eat Cheetos for breakfast. Mike, Oscar & Milo are sleeping. They stayed up late. I fell asleep early last night and was knocked out and oblivious to everybody being up late. During the night I started having a lot of nasal draining and coughing and I had it when I woke up at 6. I called in and canceled my rehab session because I was coughing so much. Now I don’t go back until Tuesday. I’m halfway through, yesterday being my eighteenth session.
I am careful who I trust. That may make me a bitch and that’s okay. In the past I’ve been used, betrayed and taken advantage of and I have my guard up against most people. It’s sad but I’m overly sensitive and I have to protect my feelings and my heart. I have a lot of casual, social friends but only a couple true heart friends.
Friday, November 25
Good morning. I’m sitting on the couch in the living room. I ate a little of my oatmeal- chia seeds- hemp hearts-peanut butter- mixed berries concoction. It exploded in the microwave while warming it up for the second day in a row. I usually make a big batch of it in a saucepan on the stove then store it in a container in the fridge so I can just scoop some out and warm it up quickly. I feed on it for days. Mike won’t come near it so it’s all mine. Yesterday ,being , Thanksgiving , I didn’t have to go to cardiac rehab so I walked a couple times. Mike and I stayed home and just made some nice pasta and a salad. That was fine. I did a lot of reflection and gave thanks for my blessings all day.
Tomorrow we’re going to my sister’s for a big Thanksgiving get together. I have to make stuff today to bring tomorrow. I have to work out today. I have chorus and band rehearsals next week, I’m hosting ladies’ BUNCO night Thursday, Friday is the chorus dress rehearsal and Saturday is the concert. The next week is even busier. I don’t have any of the Christmas decorations down out of the garage ceiling shelf. There’s a lot to do and Mike helps very little. It’s like pushing a huge boulder up a steep hill. There are still 2 IKEA lamps sitting in boxes on the chair in the front room. He’s been going to put them together for weeks and there they sit but he’s dealing with bigger issues. His mother continues to worsen with her health ( lung/ brain cancer), memory and depression. She is dragging her feet more and more about treatment and wanting to isolate and talking about dying. Mike tries his best to communicate with her doctor and nurse and make sure she’s at her appointments. He and his siblings communicate and coordinate with their mothers needs and care but Mike does the most.
I’m considering auditioning for our community’s spring musical. I have never been on stage in a play or musical- only in the orchestra pit. I’m still waffling. I’m scared and my low vision, chronic respiratory congestion and weakened immune system are holding me back. Auditions are in January. A friend of mine from chorus was just in a production of “ Anything Goes” which inspired me to think about trying it. This whole heart attack / artery blockage thing has changed my outlook. I’m cutting out all the bullshit stuff and people and directing my energy to what brings me joy and lifts me up. I’m swimming toward the sunshine and happiness.
I’m sick of the commercialism of everyday life. Now it’s way worse with the holidays! I feel like I’m constantly bombarded by ads and offers and schemes in my unending emails, calls and social media feeds. I have all that I need and I’m sick of companies trying to worm their way into my pockets! I’m holding up my minimalist shield to keep them back!
I have to finish drinking my coffee then go get dressed and take Bitzi out for her morning walk. Then I’ll probably go to the lodge and use the weight machines and do my pool workout. I need to practice my band and chorus music for the upcoming concerts then get the Christmas stuff out and sorted.
I got a new iPad on sale at Costco! It’s awesome and I just got it set up and just ordered a keyboard case. I’m giving Sarah my old one which is still in good working order but over five years old. I made some cookies to take tomorrow and am going to the gym and pool.
My friend Marilyn has stage 4 liposarcoma. The chemo didn’t work. She was supposed to have surgery to try to buy her time but now she has the RSV virus and has the surgery postponed weeks. She has made all her funeral arrangements.