Positivity

Happy Friday. I’m going to the pool in a bit. The Sun is shining and melting the snow from yesterday.

Now I’m back from the pool. I worked out with the foam dumbbells and did a bunch of leg lifts and ab crunches. I soaked in the hot tub for a while, steamed in the sauna and took a nice long shower. I feel good.

Good Day, Sunshine

Good day.  The sun is shining brightly on the frigid land outside. It’s much better than overcast gloom, even if it is terrible cold. Also, the wind isn’t blowing so that helps, too. I just did a nice water aerobics class at the lodge. It felt good. Afterward I showered and blew my hair dry. Mike took Bitzi to the groomer. She looks nice. She’s always really tired the rest of the day after grooming for some reason. In a couple hours I’m going to Culver’s because it’s neighbor ladies ice cream social day. We just meet up at 2 o’clock, order whatever we want, push tables together and sit and visit. It’s nice and casual. Some people stay a little while, some people stay a long time. Whatever works. I’m probably going back to the lodge to work out later. The pool class was fun but it wasn’t hard cardio like I’m supposed to be doing. I subbed yesterday and had to walk a lot so was too tired to go to the gym last night. Mike is going to the dentist in a while. He hasn’t been to a dentist in a long time and he’s going to a new dentist today. 

My body is starting to feel different with all this extra exercise the last few months. My legs, thighs, abs and back are starting to feel firmer and more solid. I know I’m building muscle. I’ve lost some weight but not a lot. All in good time. Baby steps………..If you build it, they will come…..I have much been endurance and strength than a couple months ago, that’s for sure. 

Saturday at sunrise

Good morning. I’ve been awake for around an hour. I’ve read the morning papers, emails and social media feeds. I’ve saved a couple goji berry recipes to try and I’m finishing my coffee. Last night was a really good long sleep. I went to bed early. Yesterday I worked out in the pool and then in the evening used my exercise ball for a long time. This morning my muscles are reminding me they weren’t used to working like that. 

This morning later I’m meeting a retired teacher friend for breakfast. We haven’t met to talk since November so there’ll be some good catching up. After that I have to walk my dog then go to the gym to work out. I have a new book I’ve started and I have music practice to do. Tomorrow we’re going to Aiden’s second birthday party in the afternoon so that should be nice. 

I need to get going and tidy up around here, get dressed and take Bitzi out to pee. She’s curled up next to me on the couch keeping me warm and seems content for now. I love the snowy views out the windows. I love when things get magically coated with white, especially the trees. There is something noble about winer to me. 

Yesterday in the pool I briefly floated on my back looking up at the skylights and it was wonderful and spiritual and I felt blessed to be alive. I had the tingly spiritual experience and a warm light washed over me. I hadn’t been to the pool in many weeks. I need to go more frequently. Obviously it has some intense recharging effect on me. Just keep swimming…

Last night I went to bed early because I was mad at Mike and thought he was being a mean grouch ass. It does me no good to try to challenge him or reason with him. He is always right. He always ping pongs my words back at me. The best strategy is always just to go silent and remove myself from the situation. I know he’s dealing with a lot with his mothers cancer now being untreatable. I get it. But I will not be talked to like that by anyone for any reason. What you allow will continue. Silence is often the best response. Silence says so much more than words most times. 

A new start

It’s a typical January day. We were coming home a while ago and the snow was coming down so hard we could barely see in front of us. We went to the lodge here  at Sun City earlier. I had intended to work out on the fitness machines but there was a whole bunch of people in there and the machines I had intended to use were already taken so I worked out in the pool then I went in the hot tub and sauna with Mike. It was nice. I haven’t been working out in the pool the last couple months ( due to rehab) and I can really feel it in my muscles now. I have to be dedicated to working out daily now that rehab is over. It’s a new start for my health.

I just played my clarinet for a bit but I’m really tired so didn’t play very long. In a little while I’ll start cooking dinner. I just ate a handful of walnuts to curb my hunger. I had a little bit of oatmeal for breakfast. I finally got Mike to agree to go on another cruise so we’re going next year in May. It’s a long way away but hopefully by then we’ll both be healthier and he’ll be over his germ phobia. He’s always afraid I’m going to catch something. I’m going to start subbing again next Monday now that rehab is over. Mike is nervous about that too- me being exposed to school germs again. I’m not subbing younger than 4th grade and no special ed- too much hands on with those kids. There’s so much going on from now until the end of May that I had to double check the dates before I accepted jobs. It’s good to be busy physically, cognitively, socially.

I may go downstate  to see and visit with an old friend next week - who I haven’t seen in years. I hope it works out. It will be kind of surreal and weird after all this time. We shall see. It’s good to reconnect. I tend to be very sensitive and emotional. I get drippy about things that most people don’t. 

Angels watching over me

It’s morning coffee time. In a few minutes I’ll go get dressed, take the dog out to pee and go to cardiac rehab at the hospital campus. I only have four days this week and I’m done completely on Thursday. Friday I’m subbing after having taken a break since early September. After I get back home from rehab I’m riding along with Michael to go to St.Charles and take his mom to Bloomingdale for her CT scan and brain MRI. The doctor had stopped her chemo weeks ago as her cancer had progressed.  The only option left is stronger chemo and she is already depressed, angry, exhausted and has increasing bouts of memory loss. Mike is her power of attorney and the situation has been really draining on him. He is just recently over Covid and I can tell he’s still very tired from it. So I’m going along to help support them both. I’d better get going. More later.

4:20. We’ve been home for a while and I took Bitzi for a brisk walk around the lagoon just now. We got the results of Mike’s mom’s scans she had this morning. The news isn’t good. The cancer in her lung and brain are growing. Mike and his mom have a phone appointment with her oncologist Wednesday morning to talk about it. Mike has been trying to reach his siblings to talk about this. I feel bad for all of them. I’ve been through it with my mom and myself and is just awful. I can’t even imagine how on earth I’m still alive. I’ve always known there are angels watching over and helping me. No kidding. I just hope there are angels for Annette too. 

I’m reading this book now. It’s pretty good. It actually makes a lot of sense if you can get past the adolescent humor and redundancy. Basically a good read.

After the scans and taking Annette home we stopped at Portillo in Elgin for lunch. I know I sound like some old dried up codger but I cannot believe how expensive everything is now. It’s crazy! I brought most of my Italian beef home. It will be good tomorrow.

Hot chocolate

The dog is crunching and slurping her food in the kitchen that I just gave her. I’m in the living room drinking hot chocolate by mistake. I grabbed the wrong pod. Mike is asleep in our bedroom. Is 6:18. He was feeling worse yesterday. I hope he got some good sleep. I stayed in the living room all night and I was coughing quite a lot. As far as I know I’m still Covid negative. I just normally cough a lot. Yesterday was a very quiet blah day. I’m assuming today will be the same. Mike talked to his mom twice on he phone yesterday. She’s getting worse with her dementia and moods and memory. She admitted to Mike that she stopped taking her antidepressants months ago ( no surprise). 

6:34am

I’m sipping my coffee in the partial dark sitting on the couch in the living room. Mike and I both slept out here in recliners last night. I was coughing and draining really bad Saturday night and barely got any sleep. Mike has Covid and has bad coughing attacks too. Somehow my Covid tests have been negative. I have to go to another cardiac rehab session in a little over an hour. I have all this week and four days next week and then I’m done. I have to call and schedule an echocardiogram today to see if my heart squeezing capacity has improved. It was lowered due to my heart attack in September and I’m hoping it has recovered and improved. Fingers crossed. 

My little grandson Oliver ( 18 months old) is sick with a bad ear infection. Poor little kid. He’s on medicine now and I sure hope it clears him up quick and he feels better. It’s so hard on everyone in the house when a little one is sick. One of my other grandsons, Waylon, is twelve today. It’s crazy how these kids are growing so fast. At times it seems a little surreal that we have twelve grandchildren. Wait- how can I possibly be this old? How did this happen in the blink of an eye? 

Mike is sleeping siting up at the end of the couch. I can hear his relaxed breathing sounds and very faint snoring. The dog is sitting on my lap. I just fed her when I made my coffee. Her stomach is making loud squishy gurgling sounds. I’ll take her out to pee in a while before I leave for rehab. There are a couple patients a rehab who are younger than me. There is another woman but mos are older men. There are also pulmonary rehab patients there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those patients have portable oxygen tanks they pull around with them to the exercise machines. There are a couple twig people who are frighteningly emancipated who can only exercise for 8 minutes at a time and have to stop and check their blood sugars. I am certainly not the most I’ll person there. It’s been a learning, growing, useful experience, for sure. I’m going to actually miss it when I’m done and will have to continue the daily workouts on my own. That will be the challenge to keep it up. 

My resolution for the year is to be more positive in all things with all people. I have this snarky negative cynical critical defensive troll inside my brain that causes me anxiety and prevents me from finding joy. I’m trying to allow my positive self to simply step in front of her and quiet her down. I am moving toward being a more positive and confident woman - but not one of those dreadfully pushy broads that drive me crazy. I want to never stop improving and learning and trying. If you do you just dry up and die.

Gotta go. More later. 

Two thirds done

I’m now going to cardiac rehab workouts every day. I have twelve more to go before I’m done. Besides that I’m also walking with the dog every day.

Armadillo hide

Thank you for being here. It means a lot to me.

I do believe in continuing to learn and improve every day. My resolution is to be more positive about everything and everyone. I’m trying really hard to mute the snarky bitch and negative Nellie who lives in my brain. I already have the habit of being grateful for every day for all my blessings but I still need to be a lot better and I’m trying. I need to be a lot tougher and less sensitive. I need to ba an armadillo and not let things get to me. Who knows how long we have left? Over the holidays there have been two family members and three acquaintances die.shit is getting real. 

Saturday

It’s morning on Saturday. Today is the third and last concert I’m in for the season. It’s all gloomy and overcast outside. I’m taking my time before I go get showered and get going. I think I’ll take the dog for a long walk to get exercise in. I’m still doing cardiac rehab. Gotta do it.  

Typing

I am trying to get used to typing on my new IPad’s new keyboard case. I gave my old one that still worked to my daughter. I’m sure that sure or the kids will find it useful enough. My hands feel awkward and unused to typing, especially on a smaller keyboard. I’m sure it will get better with practice and repetition. Right now it feel janky and my left inner wrist hurts. Oh well. Such is life.

I don’t have cardiac rehab today. I took the dog for a brisk walk around the lodge and lagoon. I’m going to the gym to use the resistance machines in a little while then go to the store and then come home and practice my choral music for rehearsal tonight. For the most part I’m enjoying the experience of singing in a choir again. Some things I don’t like. There are some bossy cranky nitpicks old ladies who think they can boss people around. Also there are some aging ladies with dreadful mile-wide forced vibrato that gags me. Also the director is about 80 and never warms the group up nor every touches on anything close to vocal pedagogy or sound production……. SO there are some things that bug me. I have never gone to the separate Monday night alto section practices. #1 I’m not supposed to drive at night, #2 I don’t need a bunch of old biddies trying to nitpick me to death about things I don’t agree with and #3 I don’t like enclosed spaces anyway. Going to full chorus rehearsal one evening a week is enough for me. And yes, I do sometimes even go over the music and practice at home. My biggest problem is my low vision and reading the actual music but I will admit I’m amazed that I’m able to as well as I am. 

Sunday night we went overt to Casey and Jacki’s house and watched Aiden and the baby for them for 6 hours. The baby is 4 months old now and very sweet. She doesn’t like to stay asleep though once you put her down. We tried twice and 30 minutes afterward she was screaming bloody murder so I just held her until they got home. Then she was out like a light they successfully put her in bed and she slept the I rest of the night. Aiden is going on 2 and very busy. 

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Later-

I went to our lodge here in Sun City and used several of the resistance machines. The cardio machines were all busy so I just came home. I already had my walk. I haven’t used the weight machines for a week so I know I’ll be sore tomorrow. Mike and I are running out to do errands. I’m loving my new car. It’s super cool. It’s a Honda passport built on a truck frame. It has loads of cargo space I the back and many safety features and sits up higher. I loved my Sorrento but I really love this one. I am so freakin blessed.

Black Friday

Good morning. I’m sitting on the couch in the living room. I ate a little of my oatmeal- chia seeds- hemp hearts-peanut butter- mixed berries concoction. It exploded in the microwave while warming it up for the second day in a row. I usually make a big batch of it in a saucepan on the stove then store it in a container in the fridge so I can just scoop some out and warm it up quickly. I feed on it for days. Mike won’t come near it so it’s all mine. Yesterday ,being , Thanksgiving , I didn’t have to go to cardiac rehab so I walked a couple times. Mike and I stayed home and just made some nice pasta and a salad. That was fine. I did a lot of reflection and gave thanks for my blessings all day.

 Tomorrow we’re going to my sister’s for a big Thanksgiving get together. I have to make stuff today to bring tomorrow. I have to work out today. I have chorus and band rehearsals next week, I’m hosting ladies’ BUNCO night Thursday, Friday is the chorus dress rehearsal and Saturday is the concert. The next week is even busier. I don’t have any of the Christmas decorations down out of the garage ceiling shelf. There’s a lot to do and Mike helps very little. It’s like pushing a huge boulder up a steep hill. There are still 2 IKEA lamps sitting in boxes on the chair in the front room. He’s been going to put them together for weeks and there they sit but he’s dealing with bigger issues.  His mother continues to worsen with her health ( lung/ brain cancer),  memory and depression. She is dragging her feet more and more about treatment and wanting to isolate and talking about dying. Mike tries his best to communicate with her doctor and nurse and make sure she’s at her appointments. He and his siblings communicate and coordinate with their mothers needs and care but Mike does the most.

I’m considering auditioning for our community’s spring musical. I have never been on stage in a play or musical- only in the orchestra pit. I’m still waffling. I’m scared and my low vision, chronic respiratory congestion and weakened immune system are holding me back. Auditions are in January. A friend of mine from chorus was just in a production of “ Anything Goes” which inspired me to think about trying it. This whole heart attack / artery blockage thing has changed my outlook. I’m cutting out all the bullshit stuff and people and directing my energy to what brings me joy and lifts me up. I’m swimming toward the sunshine and happiness. 

I’m sick of the commercialism of everyday life. Now it’s way worse with the holidays! I feel like I’m constantly bombarded by ads and offers and schemes in my unending emails, calls and social media feeds. I have all that I need and I’m sick of companies trying to worm their way into my pockets! I’m holding up my minimalist shield to keep them back! 

I have to finish drinking my coffee then go get dressed and take Bitzi out for her morning walk. Then I’ll probably go to the lodge and use the weight machines and do my pool workout. I need to practice my band and chorus music for the upcoming concerts then get the Christmas stuff out and sorted. 

I got a new iPad on sale at Costco! It’s awesome and I just got it set up and just ordered a keyboard case. I’m giving Sarah my old one which is still in good working order but over five years old. I made some cookies to take tomorrow and am going to the gym and pool. 

My friend Marilyn has stage 4 liposarcoma. The chemo didn’t work. She was supposed to have surgery to try to buy her time but now she has the RSV virus and has the surgery postponed weeks. She has made all her funeral arrangements.